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"And then there was this mess."
Umm.... What mess? I haven't really been paying attention to a lot of threads because they start to do my head in, but this means that sometimes I get out of the loop.
"And I needed to show some sincerity, because I was proposing to ask people to admit vulnerability, and to acknowledge the vulnerability of others without condescension. I couldn't do that in the Sam Vega screen name. If there was anyone out there who was actually hurting, that would be like talking to your grieving mate through a pair of cheap designer shades."
Again, I'm not sure what exactly you are referring to, but it's probably not that important. What is interesting is that, right now, I am actually hurting, and I don't really want to talk about it on here, or on any other public spaces. Partly because it seems like I keep talking about it (in one-on-one scenarios), and no matter how much I talk about it and how much sensible advice I get, the situation doesn't change inside my head. That and, really, it's no one else's fucking business -- but maybe that's just me being defensive.
But, as far as the name thing goes, I've discovered that now that I've changed my 'Lith i.d. to my own name, it's a great deal more awkward to just mention stuff like that at all, let alone talk about it in any great detail. I noticed the same thing with my blog, too. When people knew who I was and had invested some kind of attachment to my life (they read my site on a daily basis, that's an attachment), I no longer wanted people to know about stuff because in some ways they were too close to it and I didn't have the curtain of anonymity to hide behind anymore.
"The reason I bring this up is that I think sometimes screen names give us a character we don't want, or reveal more than they're intended to, or even get between us and the board and the other people on it."
Yes. That's why I wanted to move from being known as kookymojo to be known by my own name, since I am known by my own name everywhere else online these days. kookymojo is fluffy and flirty, she drinks frou-frou cocktails and likes everyone and making new friends. kookymojo is the very essence of pop glamour. Anna is those things too, but at the moment Anna is more cynical and sad; songs make her cry, she's full of resentment, she doesn't trust new people. Maybe being Anna online allows for me to be all those different aspects that I am when people communicate with me offline.
"I also think - I know - that they can acquire tendencies of their own, like Rod Hull's bloody Emu. I suppose what I'm saying is that if you're in a rut, or if you feel too exposed or too well-armoured to engage on the board, try changing your name. But give it some thought, find something appropriate and uplifting - if you mock yourself in your own name, for example, you may find you approach the board feeling wounded."
Interestingly, at a time when I am existing under the identity I've had with me all my life, I am in fact incredibly uncomfortable in this skin. And yet, on the one hand, I'm loathe to change it and hide behind something else because it feels important to me to face this thing head on as myself. But, on the other hand, I don't want to expose myself and leave myself vulnerable to everyone else, so I've retreated into lurking and not saying so much. In fact, it's not really even lurking, since I'll just avoid other people talking about themselves all together, so I avoid lots of threads on message boards, or I delete mailing lists, and I rarely read blogs anymore. |
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