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<slightly hysterical>
I'm sorry, I'm a total shondah to the revolution...
First of all, I'm scrupulous about not stealing normally. I've only ever stolen, like, legal pads from the office... well once I did take a really nice packing tape gun; but I only meant to borrow it --I was temping and I was moving-- but they let me go three days early & I still had the gun at home.
I went to go steal the kiss kiss bears from Hallmark.
It seems there's only one Hallmark store in the city & anytime I get into a car by myself it's a comedy; I have an unerring sense of misdirection. So I was driving in circles for about an hour before I finally found the store.
But still calm, since that's basically normal for me.
Did I mention that I'm dressed all *in black* like a commando? And I have my old backpack not my new one that I got for my laptop, the better to fit bears in. And I have my little letter-opener in my coat pocket, in case I have to snip off any inventory control tags.
I walk around the store. I note the one security camera, which is unfortunately pointed in the general direction of the kiss-kiss bears. But no matter, there's a back corner completely hidden from the front window, the security camera, and the cashier's counter.
I waste too much time and look too many times at the security camera.
Finally I grab up four bears and duck around the corner. I pretend to look at cards, even though no one's watching me. The bears are in a heap on the floor next to me. They're a lot bigger than I imagined. I massage them, feeling for inventory control devices--none apparent, but I am afraid. I unzip my backpack slowly, and it's SO LOUD, I never knew that a zipper could be SO LOUD... and I shove one boy bear in my backpack and then shove in the other boy bear and the two girl bears.
My backpack is BULGING. My heart is going like The Telltale Heart.
Then I think about Winona Ryder.
I lose my nerve. Rip open the zipper, unpack bears... and then go put them nicely back on their shelf.
Definitely cannot manipulate the magnets from outside, surgical alteration required.
Clothes are not removable from bears, which is philosophically interesting as girl bear's dress is integrally part of her body, same for boy bear's coveralls.
<faints> |
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