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Why I hate kids

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13:52 / 10.09.03

This weekend I had Flux and his son and daughter over for another a barbecue, because I'm leaving my current apartment and I don't think the landlord of my new place will allow a Weber grill out on the fire escape. And I love to grill. I'm good at it, too. My friends call me "The Foreman." Get it? Get it?

I like Flux, but I've had some problems with his kids, if you remember. They're always doing stuff that annoys me. Anyway, it happened again this weekend.

I created a nice, tight structure of charcoal under the grill, and squirted it with lighter fluid. Then, in order to mend fences with Eddie, because I don't want any static with the Fluxmeister, i offered to let him light it up with a kitchen match. But that kid screwed it up. First, he couldn't get the match lit. What kind of ten-year-old doesn't know how to light a match? Then, when I lit the match and handed it to him, he just dropped it in there like a big wuss. Come on! You gotta get your hand in there, and make sure every coal is lit. Who doesn't know that?

After the grill was good and hot, I asked everyone how they'd like their Toddburgers (tm). Eddie, the little bugger, said "Medium Well." Medium Well! What kind of man eats beef cooked Medium Well! "Well" should not be part of your vocabulary when it comes to meat, nor "Medium." I thought it was my duty to introduce the boy to the joys of rare, bloody meat, since his dad was obviously not getting the job done.

So I cooked his burger for about 5 minutes, plopped it on an English Muffin, and gave it to him. He took one bite and made a face. "It's cold, daddy." he said. Flux was busy gobbling down his own burger, and just made a noise with his mouth full, so I told Eddie that was how it was supposed to taste. So he finished it up with a big smile.

wouldn't you know, a few hours later he was puking all over my bathroom! Dude, I have to clean this place before I move out! The last thing I need are more vomit stains on the tile.

Eddie puked for a little while, and then sat on the sofa (not in MY CHAIR, no. He learned his lesson last time) for a while. I offered him some of my whiskey, to help settle his stomach, but he wouldn't take it. What a wuss.

So, kids suck. Especially flux's.

14:00 / 10.09.03

Wait until you get some of your own. It'll be like that every day.

14:14 / 10.09.03

This tale disturbs me, in an Alice "Eat Me" fashion.

14:16 / 10.09.03

I hate teenagers. I chose this apartment, and went to pretty shocking lengths that I won't get into to get it, because it was a quiet family building with bikes in the hallway and a working front lock. This is so unusual in my neighborhood, I felt like I'd been transported to another time and place each time I came home. And I really liked that feeling.

But there's this girl down the hall who, I swear, just turned hot like six weeks ago. When I moved in she was a dork. She's maybe sixteen and she's all right, though she always sort of sneers when she says hello to me, but that's all right, because I remember when I was sixteen I sneered at everyone, too. But the thing is that all these boys are starting to hang around here now. They use the N-word constantly and had a party last weekend that spilled out into the hall where a fight broke out. I spent Saturday night crouched by the door with a killing stick in my hands, having flashbacks. I even put shoe-polish on my face, I was that weirded out.

And somehow this has led to a bunch of grown men hanging out in my hallway every night until 1 or 2 am, shooting craps on this weird little table and smoking cigarillos. At least one of them gives me the hairy eyeball every time I bring home a "date", as if I'm the one who doesn't belong here! I pay rent here, motherfucker! Well, most of the time I do, but anyway I have a lease. What are you doing here? Can't you go shoot craps on your weird little table in the park like normal people?

So anyway, I still feel like I'm being transported into another time and place every time I come home, but now it's a terrible time and place, possibly with dinosaurs or rampaging Legionaries or something.

Wait, what's that smell?!?

Matthew Fluxington

14:22 / 10.09.03

Why are so cruel to Eddie, Todd? I just don't understand why you seem to get off on pushing my kid around. I'm sorry he's not a "real man" like you, but he's only ten years old. It's really dangerous to eat rare hamburgers, you're lucky he didn't get very sick, because don't think for a moment that I wouldn't have sued you.

Have you ever considered that my kids are nice and normal, and you're some kind of sick boozehound who is trying to get little kids drunk? I like you a lot, but you're going to have to learn how to treat my kids right or I will not come to your barbeques anymore, no matter how much I love your Toddburgers and your homemade burger relish.

Matthew Fluxington

14:23 / 10.09.03

And for God's sake, Theo is a boy, not a girl. He's just a big fan of the Powerpuff Girls, okay?

14:32 / 10.09.03

What kind of man eats beef cooked Medium Well!

Absolutely. Next thing you know, they'll be turning to total wussy, pathetic, girly vegetarians. You gotta put some backbone in em, todd. I say you should kidnap Flux's kids, chain them up and feed em nothing but raw meat for a week. Get them to do manly things bare knuckle fighting and send them to bed with a good beating - don't pull any punches.

Think of it like a mini boot camp. They'll thank you in the end.

14:35 / 10.09.03

Actually, Lurid, I was play-fighting with Theo last week, trying to toughen her up a little, you know? And she surprised me with a nasty right hook to the nuts. She's got a bit of a mean streak, that one.

14:36 / 10.09.03

make em kill their grub - "you want to eat, sissy? first you gotta KILL!"

naked. with uzis. at the mall. MAXIMUM effect!

14:39 / 10.09.03

Don't you think that's a little harsh, Lurid? I mean, yeah, I'd be afraid of his kids becoming vegans or whatever bullshit if I were Flux, but chaining them up? Just think of the mess they'd make. In any case, if I do have kids, I don't think I'd trust them with you. You seem kind of sick.

14:52 / 10.09.03

I am better than your kids.

15:41 / 10.09.03

What kind of man eats beef cooked Medium Well!

Dude, I want to know what kind of man serves a hamburger on an English Muffin?

15:44 / 10.09.03

What are you talking about? An english muffin is the PERFECT base for a Toddburger. All the nooks and crannies get soaked in grease and juices and blood. You just slap them on the grill and toast 'em up a little bit first so they don't get soggy. Burger buns, my friend, are WEAK.

15:54 / 10.09.03

You know, todd, I think this thread might actually create vegetarians. If I wasn't already, the loving description of "All the nooks and crannies get[ting] soaked in grease and juices and blood" would've turned me on the spot.

16:01 / 10.09.03

Hey, your grill -- your rules, I was just asking. But, once you've decided to make burgers instead of ribs, or maybe steak, you've pretty much lost the authority to talk about what's weak, city-boy.

16:01 / 10.09.03

You know what? I think you're wrong. I think it will have the exact OPPOSITE effect. Vegetarians will read this thread, read about the joys of grilling, and their stomachs will start to rumble and make them think to themselves, "Damn, I miss animal fat, dripping into a bun, and coating my fingers and face as I enjoy a big patty of 100% USDA Grade B Prime Chuck." And they'll high themselves over to the nearest bar/grill and order up a 7 oz burger. With bacon.

16:09 / 10.09.03

hehehe.

Oh, this all takes me back to the strict Presbyterian macho enforcement of my childhood. Glad to know you're recreating the pain and deliberately setting out to fuck up another generation of kids with all the "red-blooded real men" role modelling. They'll laugh so hard in later life when they look back on how easy it was for grown ups to abuse their power and take pleasure in making them miserable.

You don't like cold, bloody meat, little boy? What a wuss! And yes, I would behave in just the same way if you were a fully adult male who was bigger and stronger than me, capable of making his own informed choices and the proud bearer of mature taste buds.

Grown ups suck. Children just watch them and learn.

16:24 / 10.09.03

What I want to know is if you were complaining like this to Flux about his kid during the barbeque?
10 year old cant light a match...Im almost 30 and sometimes I cant get those suckers going. Its why they invented lighters.
Kid drops the match when you hand it to him. Fuck yeah. Those things are hot.
Kid has an opinion as to how he likes his burger? And it dares be contrary to yours? Good for the lil rugrat! Most of the 10 yr olds I know would just say "like McDonalds".
Then you give him his burger the way you like it and have the audacity to get pissed off when he's sick??? If it was my kids id be aiming him towards your valuables and to hell with the toilet.
I like my meat 2 ways..bloody or burnt to a crisp...but an english muffin???? At least the kid has age as an excuse. The perfect bun for a burger is a sourdough bun. (In my opinion)

16:24 / 10.09.03

Total sense of humour failure there, admittedly, but I've just spent the whole doing Child Protection training. Leaves you feeling sensitised to how the world looks through a child's eyes.

Thank fuck I'll never breed. I think anyone who can raise a kid who grows up moderately well adjusted in this fucked up world deserves a harp and a halo and unlimited free child care so they can still go down the pub.

16:35 / 10.09.03

English muffins are sourdough, you Canadian nitwit. Go eat some Vichy Fries, Canada! Go bbq a goose or a duck or a beaver whatever that animal is on your flag!

18:46 / 10.09.03

...unlimited free child care so they can still go down the pub.

So are you and Tusker offering to babysit? Because I could do with a pint.

22:42 / 10.09.03

I have learned to like kids a bit, since I have one...a son, turning 3 yrs. this month.

I get to play make-believe stuff and fight monsters, watch cartoons with the little dude, and we get all the little toys at restaurants, watch big trucks with awe and of course, play on the swings. Those are just a few reasons I appreciate my son.

On the other hand...

The phrase "I am going to take you home right now and spank you!", has taken a rather unsexy turn.

Qalyn: Canada does not have any animals whatsoever on their flag. It is a leaf...a maple leaf.

Personally, I would eat an English muffin, anyday...but it may depend on whose. :P

22:45 / 10.09.03

Tricks, that is patently ridiculous. Who bbq's a leaf, for God's sake? Or has socialized medicine and secret government funding of comedy troupes so ruined their economy that the poor citizens of Canadia are forced to eat foliage?

22:48 / 10.09.03

We call it salad :P

Matthew Fluxington

23:00 / 10.09.03

I just want to say that though I normally wouldn't choose to put my burgers on an English Muffin, they are absolutely ideal for Todd's Toddburgers. Todd gets the big sandwich-style English Muffins, and you top them with his homemade relish, some melted Muenster cheese, and a little bit of coleslaw, and serve it with some dill pickle spears. It's fucking amazing. Todd's got a real talent for burger cooking.

Todd, what are you doing on Friday? We should have another bbq. Qalyn, you should come too.

23:17 / 10.09.03

I'd like to, but I'm not sure I can make it. That girl down the hall came on to me this morning and I'm really worried that she's going to start trouble now that I've turned her down (Hell hath no anger like a woman who's been scorned, as they say). I moved into my van, pretty much--writing this from a Starbucks, btw, where they have free WiFi--but I'm still really worried about my stuff that's still in the apartment. I think I should keep the van parked outside the apartment building and make sure no one breaks into my apartment. Also, I don't want to drive around too much because gas is expensive these days.

Hey, does Theo still want to learn to drive? I could totally teach her, Flux. It's super easy, not a stick or anything.

23:19 / 10.09.03

Him, I mean! Sorry. I know Theo's a boy, but I keep forgetting. Where would a little girl get a right hook like that? Crazy!

23:42 / 10.09.03

And where is the mother in all this? Hmm? Flux? I know she's had some problems with the authorities recently, but surely she's at liberty now? You can't keep keeping those kids away from her, you know. It's just not right. Sorry, but I feel I have to say something at this point.

02:34 / 11.09.03

Hi. I know you guys are all probably in bed or whatever, or on your way to work over England and Canada, but I can't sleep--the traffic noise from the BQE is much more intense than I'd anticipated. So I'm at this 24 hour Starbucks in Manhattan, I got the van parked out front where I can see it and everything. It's crazy that they have 24hour Starbucks, don't you think? Like, if you're an insomniac or something the last thing you need is coffee. But I guess people work nights.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you about how the barista gave me all this attitude just now; total hairy eyeball situation. She didn't say anything nasty, but she was all stink-eyed. Like, I know I "could use a haircut" or whatever, and I'm a little rumpled from staying in the van and I've been smoking waaay too much, but fuck, this is the night shift at Starbucks, you should see some of the bums in here. Literally! Bums! She's kind of cute, though.

All right, later Barbelith.

02:36 / 11.09.03

Fridge, dude, that's not cool. Flux has been really jittery about her all month. Lay off, seriously.

03:01 / 11.09.03

Sweet Christ, you should see the look this barista just gave me, this fuckin' night-shift-at-Starbucks-on-57th-Street barista, because I was over in that badger thread and I looked at those dancing badgers and laughed out loud. You'd think I was looking at pr0n or something. Hello? It's the gentleman by the condiment counter in the tank top and snow boots that's cursing and ranting, not me, you just can't see his mouth moving because he has three handkerchiefs and a pair of panties over it.

I swear. This place is a freakshow, and this little ringleader/barista is going to wake up in the morning with her teeth in the frappuchino mix if she doesn't keep her little eyes to herself.

Anyway, I stopped listening to that badger song like halfway through, could someone tell me how it ends?

Regrettable Juvenilia

08:00 / 11.09.03

And where is the mother in all this?

Remember, these are Flux's adopted children. The birth mother and father are in rehab and a New Jersey correctional facility respectively. Now, normally the adoption authorities wouldn't grant custody of two young children to one man in his twenties, but Flux was obviously such good father material that they made an exception.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:21 / 11.09.03

Yeah, well I once made an exception in Flux's case, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of the little darlings since. And the authorities have the audacity to tell me I never had any kids in the first place!

Honestly, man, that Flux's corruption goes straight to the top.

Regrettable Juvenilia

09:35 / 11.09.03

Yeah. He planned the whole thing all along. It's a huge and elaborate set-up. He PLAYED us!

12:12 / 11.09.03

adoption authorities...such good father material

a ha.

HAHAHAHAHAH

Flyboy, you buy that shit? Son, you've been played. Look closely at those pics of Flux's kids he's spammed everyone with. Don't they look a little strange, if you know what I mean? These aren't American children.

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