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I haven't been around this parts for Too Long. This thread's worth resurrecting.
My magic/kal awakening came at a time when I was sure I was going nuts, like many others, and I felt terribly, terribly alone -- even when my social group as all supposed pagans, witches, and magicians. I talked to Gods when they didn't -- or didn't admit to it. I intuitively led our rituals and made shit happen. I had some skills that seemed to have come from nowhere.
I never saw myself as an agent on a mission until I had a Calling to serve Inanna, who I approach as a manifest intelligence, a godform, the universal sacred whore, and the original femme fatale. In the six years since, I've tried to reach Her though other forms as well (Venus, PombaGira, Mary Magadalene, Babalon), but there is something specific about Her as Inanna. She isn't a metaphor for something else for me -- She Is.
I felt without tribe for a very long time -- my personal mythology of these non-normative encounters as entirely self-centered. I met some Otherkin people who tried to draw me in, that wasn't right. The queer punk kids back home were a better fit.
Then came The Invisibles. Sure, I had lots of latent spy infatuations. As a little kid my girlfriend and I played spy sex games, interrogations and concealing 'microfilm' in our... well.. the spy/sex connection was there, in a big way. It didn't hurt any that my first 'adult' girlfriend was the one who initiated me to The Invisibles. And that it's sort of a tradition in our big, polymorphously perverse polyamorous extended loose tribal unti to pass The Invisibles on to new lovers. Maybe it's a test of sorts. If anything, it's reprogramming, but it will only work if the latent desires are there.
I never adopted an apocalyptic elements into my personal mythology. I more gravitate towards death and rebirth -- maybe that's the decade of paganism. I embraced Shiva worship for a long period (98 to 01), obsessed on what Kula Shaker sings about in "Mystical Machine Gun" -- "Retain a sense of suicide." I took pieces of The Invisibles, Sumerian mythology, and more to make sense of magick in the Here and Now.
The largest scale mythomanical mission was carried out in the guise of a tightknit group of friends who were urban exploration affecianados. The group took on a mgical life of it's own, with synchronicity running full tilt for the nine months we were working together. For a time, the co-founder of this group (I being the other, he and I being lovers then and the group dissolving when we did) wanted to have an Invisibles College as part of it, to train explorers. (He is still doing this -- see here.) We all use done another's obsessions with sex and death, which i re-contextualized for my personal mythology, of the sacred whore who soothes warriors, and of Inanna as goddess of Love and War. Of course it all ended badly, bad breakups, venereal disease, the whole nine.
When it ended, I "ate" it, and began to put it into my novel as a way to take control over the magical energy we had built up together. I had a lot of tendencies like Robin to do metafiction, to put myself into my work not toflatter myself, but to make things happen for me outside the work, to meld the two until writing became sympathetic magic. So, rather than feel nuts, I write, I try to just turn my back on the self-doubt and call myself an artist and not a lunatic. When the book is done I may think differently.
(The book is called beautifultoxin.) |
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