I was raised hardcore Episcopalian, very WASP father, imprinted on me solidarity and non compromise in regard to worship. "Unless you have the PLAGUE you are going to church!" In retrospect I feel that this has made me rigid and armored in a lot of ways, but I also kind of dig it. Having to sit in an uncomfortable pew, kneeling on granite, the boring hymns, the elitist churchgoers; overall it strengthened my willpower(and spite,) both essential for magical initiation in such a circumstance.
I dug on the gnostic experience of it all, as well as the dark, powerful authority of the church. Communion was fucking awesome, what with the eating flesh and drinking port, I could feel the gnosis and I became an addict to it. Even though I was in an Episcopalian mindset I didn't seem to fixate on the same restrictions that other peoples of that kind seem to have. I was obsessed with the idea of magic as a concept, as an aesthetic, and the fact that I just knew it worked, I just knew from having gnosis and the spark that told me there was something more.
I explored around on my own from middle school or so, and all I could really find was crappy public library books on witchcraft, occasional deals involving quartz crystals and broomsticks, it was cool but not powerful or interesting to me, and I felt pretty unfulfilled up until I was 14, when I went on a trip to Hollywood to catch up with my estranged brother.
He, at it had turned out, been very involved with the IOT, OTO, TOPY, etc. and basically had every experience that I wished I had endured during my early years. He showed me pictures of him with Tim Leary and america Hoffman, told tales of him befriending El Duce from The Mentors and all sorts of crazy shit. During these 2 weeks I absorbed, prominent among many other things; 'Liber Null & Psychonaut', 'A Clockwork Orange', EXIT Magazine, Crowley, Austin Osman Spare, and more.
That started things off nicely, planted seeds, got the wheels moving, I did so many sigils that it hurts to think about, started reading Robert Anton Wilson and Chris Hyatt, got into -some- Crowley and lots of Regardie. And then the music, god, I could go on, Coil, Death in June, Aphex Twin, Skinny Puppy, Ministry, PTV, Nurse With Wound, and more and more and more.
So I just sucked in media and symbolism and pumped out magic and tried to effect change in my life, which at the time was very depressing. Around 15-16 I had my first psychedelic experience with mushrooms, which I had grown myself, and it was everything I wanted it to be. Months later, I ate over 8 grams of Ecuadorian strain in tea that I had grown in my closet living with my parents(hah,) and thats when I had what I consider to be my first huge, initiatory experience. My bunk bed turned into a sarcophagus and I had a very intense, 'solar' experience where I honestly don't remember much besides melting into nothingness and coming back in pieces, being very aware that I had merged with -something-, I 'knew' that it was Ra when it happened, I can in retrospect also interpret this as a sort of HGA/VALIS/Cosmic Placenta dealie, but whatever the fuck it was it steered me right on the path and I've been doing justice to that work and that goal as much as I can ever since. |
