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Jesus vs. Superman

 
  

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A
02:06 / 14.08.03
That picture of Jesus with heat vision in one of the joycore threads got me to thinking- who would win in a knockdown dragout brawl between the Son of God and the Last Son of Krypton?

Discuss.
 
 
Saint Keggers
02:31 / 14.08.03
Jesus.
He's got that whole Son Of God style Power Word KILL! Besides...he has no weaknesses if he so chooses... Supe has the whole Kryptonite and magick thing working against him.
 
 
Cloned Christ on a HoverDonkey
03:09 / 14.08.03
I reckon Superman would win hands down.

He hasn't got that 'Son Of God' complex, which would prevent him from standing in the way of free will and everything. I mean, when have you ever seen Jesus flying round the Earth so fast that he un-happens the things that Superman's just done, eh?
 
 
Saint Keggers
03:15 / 14.08.03
But he has that whole "snap my fingers and dad makes sure you never existed" thing...
 
 
—| x |—
05:04 / 14.08.03
Well first we have to ask ourselves what Jesus we are considering? If we are looking at the whole turn the other cheek Jesus, then he simply wouldn't fight Superman--no matter what that fae in blue tights did to provoke him. On the other hand, if we are considering the Jesus who freaked out at the temple and attacked the money changers--Jesus of the Sword--well, then that old suck Super would be a mere bug crushed under the mighty foot of The Son of Man.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
07:40 / 14.08.03
Jesus would be handicapped by his sandals. And Supie could easily pin him to the ground by taking hold of his flowing hair and long beard.

Mary Magdalene would rip the ass off Lois Lane though.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
09:15 / 14.08.03
Yeah, what is it with you people? It's all Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. He was lame, come on- get with the Revelation.
 
 
Ganesh
09:42 / 14.08.03
Superman would mash Jesus to a pulp - but that'd make Jesus a martyr, so he'd really win...

(Do you see?)
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
09:56 / 14.08.03
Anna de L: Whoah! Jesus wins BIG in Revelation! Yay Jesus!
 
 
Mourne Kransky
10:07 / 14.08.03
Yeah but then there would be no crucifixes.

Churches all over the world would be full of sculptures and paintings of The Holy Pulp. Christians would wear squashed tomatoes, instead of crosses, round their necks on chains.

When He rose again on the third day and revealed himself to the women at the tomb, it would have been like a scene from The Blob.

Might have spiced up the Mel Gibson cinéma verité, this High Mash version of events.
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
11:01 / 14.08.03
The Big Blue v The Big Jew? Who'd win?
The readers, that's who! Excelsior!
 
 
grant
15:18 / 14.08.03
I'm with Bizunth on this one.
 
 
A
15:36 / 14.08.03
Y'know, it'd probably be like every other crossover ever, meaning they'd mistakenly fight for a bit, and then realise their error and team up to defeat the Vulture, or Paste Pot Pete, or something.
 
 
Morlock - groupie for hire
16:10 / 14.08.03
Hang on, doesn't this whole trinity thing mean Supes can call on a couple of buddies?
 
 
A
16:27 / 14.08.03
Come on. If Supes can call Batman and Wonder Woman in, then the Holy Trinity doesn't stand a freakin' chance.
 
 
A
16:36 / 14.08.03
Oh yeah, and Lois Lane knows all kindsa Deadly Martial Arts. She'd knock that Magdalene hoebag to the curb.
 
 
Lionheart
16:49 / 14.08.03
It'll be a tie.

Superman will keep kicking Jesus' ass but Jesus will keep coming back to life!
 
 
grant
18:35 / 14.08.03
Actually, Superman came back to life himself. If anyone remembers the Electric Blue Superman.

What I want to know is if Superman ever fought Satan. I know Lucifer's a character in the DC universe, and I know Satan popped up a lot in Marvel comics in the 1970s (Damien Hellstrom, SON OF SATAN!), but I don't know if Big Blue and the Lord of Lies ever faced off.
 
 
pointless and uncalled for
18:40 / 14.08.03
This isn't even a question.

Superman wins but only by default because Jesus doesn't exist.
 
 
Ganesh
19:11 / 14.08.03
In the interests of, well, interest, I've started an identical thread over on Cross+Flame. Wave to my doppelganger!
 
 
grant
19:57 / 14.08.03
I've been far more active over there.
 
 
cusm
20:23 / 14.08.03
You've got to keep in mind that the Second Coming Jesus is the 2 fisted ass-whooping King of Kings, possibly with a giant 6 eyed mecha power suit. All he as to do is turn on the Kryptonite emitter, and Superman is toast. That's why Batman is lurking nearby to take out the emitter with a skillfully tossed battarang...
 
 
cusm
20:25 / 14.08.03
And you know it'd be Bizzaro-Christ they team up to defeat in the end, anyway.
 
 
Mono
21:17 / 14.08.03
Sorry to burst your bubbles, but they are the same guy. I had a drwam last summer that I was Papa Smurf riding around the forest on a tiny four-wheeler, engaging in a battle of wits with the Son of Satan. When I won, the reward was the secret knowledge that Jesus was really Superman, son of God.

Seriously.
 
 
Spaniel
21:35 / 14.08.03
I think Logan would kick both their arses.

SNIKT!
 
 
000
21:59 / 14.08.03
Jesus Christ is the King of retcon, roughly 1700 years before the word retcon began usage and has therefore seniority (& superiority) from the fact that he has endured anything from dual pisces = 2 Jesuses, one poor, one rich, or twins, or one real (Jesus) another myth (Christ/Karast) and to such tales as Jesus being an Egyptian royal, or a royal of other nationalities who wound up in England to raise babies, such as Tamar, who supposedly started a sect in the South of France, I would say that even though Superman's altered appearances since his inception are plentiful, he doesn't have a prayer in hell to match Jesus Christ.

Flashback to year 33 AD, as Jesus has a vision of the year 2003 and sees what has been written about him: "Fuckin' Hell..."
 
 
Spyder Todd 2008
22:25 / 15.08.03
Jesus. Superman is a pussy. 'Nuff said.
 
 
Saint Keggers
02:19 / 16.08.03
I hear the WB is starting a new show called Nazareth in which a young Jesus goes through the trial and tribulations of being a child with goldlike powers and having to keep it a secret from his friends. With Marc Blucas as Pontus Pilot,the friend of jesus.
 
 
penitentvandal
19:58 / 16.08.03
Well, according to Sean Ryder, Jesus was Batman, and as we all know that Batman can beat Superman in a fight...
 
 
bitchiekittie
20:06 / 16.08.03
threads like these are what keeps me coming back.

...ah, damn, now they know how to get rid of me...
 
 
The Falcon
00:56 / 17.08.03
Jesus and Superman wouldn't really fight, man. It'd be like all those other cross-company things, apart from the recent really shit one, where they'd have a misunderstanding and stand-off, and then they'd go off to fight the combined powers of Lex Luthor and Satan. Or Neron.

Which would admittedly almost make up for the fact that you didn't see them fight very much.

On the other hand, are we talking post-Resurrection Jesus and pre-Crisis Superman? Or what? I need terms here.
 
 
grant
01:15 / 17.08.03
Dude - you need to click that link Ganesh put up.
 
 
bio k9
03:39 / 17.08.03
Good lookin' out on the nipples, Ganesh.
 
 
Saint Keggers
03:56 / 17.08.03
I think the real question is Mary Magdelyn or Catwoman?
 
 
El Gato Was Right: the t-shirt
15:26 / 17.08.03
I think Jesus would win because Superman is vulnerable to magic.
 
  

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