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Long distance relationships

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00:36 / 28.07.03

I've just come back from the world gymnaestrada in lisbon, where, at the closing ceremony-party, i randomly met a lovely young volunteer-man, Pedro (laugh if you will) in a strange gymnaestrada dance where you hug people. I got a photo taken of both of us, and he gave me his tshirt. I spent the rest of the night looking for him, and eventually found him and he signed the tshirt. Then I lost him again. I was kicking myself that i didnt get his number or anything, but if this doesnt make you believe in fate, i duno what will. Out of 26,000 people there, i sat on the train at the end, and he was behind me, so wrote email addresses on each others tshirts, and spoke til i had to (grudgingly) leave.

And that was it. Nothing else came of it, other than a twisted ankle from falling down the stairs whilst excitably telling a friend all about him . Yet I've come home feeling that i've left something really important behind, for once, its not my passport.

I got home and he'd already sent me probably the nicest email i've ever had, and it seems he feels pretty much the same. Persuing someone thousands of miles away, who iv bumped into seems crazy, but i cant imagine never seeing him again. I've never clicked like that with anyone before. I want to go back, and have hundreds of 1/2 portugese babies.

Have you people ever had anything like that (though it seems pretty unlikely) or even just more normal long distance relationships before, and what came of them?

I want to be back there now.

08:00 / 28.07.03

Ooh, Gingerbob that sounds lovely, but a bit painful too.

Don't know about persuing it though. Nearest long distance thing I ever had was with a beautiful young man named Pascal in Paris, whom I met after the marathon there this April. However, I'm not such a lover of starshine as I used to be. Recognising we had one night and no more meant that I managed to get full concentrated lurve out of it.

I suppose the important thing is to enjoy all of those yummy feelings. I can't pass any meaningful wisdom on I'm afraid.

08:17 / 28.07.03

I've only really had the slightly different experience of an established relationship becoming temporarily long-distance over the course of a year - and, even though we saw each other at weekends, that was bad enough.

I dunno, Gingerbop, what are the possibilities in terms of pursuing it? Any chance of you finding work in Portugal or Pedro doing so here? If so, I might be tempted to give it a go. What I wouldn't do is move somewhere I hadn't got a job (or the prospect of one) solely on the strength of a potential relationship...

09:12 / 28.07.03

Its not what you want to hear gbop, but long distance relationships are really hard. If I were you I'd see him when possible, but otherwise carry on as always. (Unless you really are going to move.) Mind you, if anyone had said that to me...

09:37 / 28.07.03

Post the photo and we'll decide if he's any good for you before you take this any further.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

10:56 / 28.07.03

The only way you can know is to go back and see.

11:16 / 28.07.03

Difficult path but not impossible. I believe if you give it some time with the emails and IM, you may get to know a little about the mind that went with the personality (and the great bod, I am assuming

) Who knows, it maybe that after a few days you find them utterly boring! Emailing, like letter writing can allow for a different insight into a person that just talking could not. Consider it a blessing that you are being permitted to investigate before you go jumping into another (if you have experienced this) situation that may just be a waste of time. However, there still is no guarantee this could be right for you, but the chances are much better if you have a opportunity to know what you are getting into, without getting into it...err, too much anyway.

All the best and take care of that ankle you crazy gymnist!

XOXOXO

Whisky Priestess

12:20 / 28.07.03

I'm in a medium-distance relationship now, and that's fine because we can see each other weekends and occasional weeknights, only living 2 or 3 hours away from each other; however, I would initially recommend an email flirtation with this guy rather than flying over to Lisbon (best to get him to visit you IMHO - saves on travel and lets you see how well his gets on with your friends, handles your parents etc.)

And while you're "dating" him online don't consider yourself betrothed - the terrible truth is that in the long run, it's damn hard to manage a relationship where you only see them every few months. One of my friends did this and ended up being serially unfaithful and mucking things up bigstyle. Mind you, it didn't help that his girlfriend was a mad, pathologically jealous Italian ...

The Return Of Rothkoid

13:04 / 28.07.03

Listen to Lurid, he speaks truth. They're fucking hard, and for a while I was serially involved in long-distance things. They're really fucking hard, and if your jealously level is at all anywhere above normal (or exists, basically), you will have a problem with it, no matter how level-headed you tell yourself you are.

Consider long and hard - and not just on the basis of the way you feel now (which will be difficult to do, I know) - and ask yourself if you're going to get what you want from it. Is it worth the investment? Because long-distance, especially internationally, can be a terrible financial and horrific emotional drain. Or, to put it as bluntly as someone had to me at some point: "Dude; you're this fucked up over someone who's not even here?"

15:33 / 28.07.03

Thats just what im telling myself, except for added onto the end is "and you barely fucking know him."

The possibility of going/working there, are probably higher than they'll ever be. I have no ties. But im not prepared to go now, before getting to know him more (emails/letters).

And yes, Maytricks- great bod. Beautiful. Would make lovely babies. And would add another nationality to our fast-expanding sibling's-spouses list.

Getting him to come over here is something i hadnt considered, but is a very cunning plan. Perhaps in a few months, i can see about it. Oooh how exciting. Cant wait to get the photo out as well.

As for the ankle, Im going camping/watersporting/themeparking/hillwalking tomorrow for a couple days. So not taking it too easy. I need a pedro-massage.

15:39 / 28.07.03

gingerbop:
"And yes, Maytricks- great bod. Beautiful. Would make lovely babies. And would add another nationality to our fast-expanding sibling's-spouses list."

Yes, but....hundreds!??

Not that it is really any of my business...

15:40 / 28.07.03

*shudders at the thought*

18:00 / 28.07.03

Long-distance relationships can work out (although you wouldn't know it by reading this thread!)Of course they're hard, but they can be incredibly satisfying. What other kind of relationship allows you to be head over heels in love with someone, but still with all your spare time to do whatever it is you do? It's great (most of the time).

I've been in two. The first was for a year and a half when I was a teenager, and it was a total fucked-up-teenage-relationship disaster.

But the second was for two years, and we just got married.

Sure, it can take a lot of work, and one (or both) of you may be unfaithful, but I don't think a long-distance relationship takes that much more work than any other kind of relationship. I mean, people who live together can be serially unfaithful, too.

My (unasked for) advice is that you should explore your relationship with Pedro without worrying about the potential difficulties. Be all gushy over this guy and worry about it later. Good luck!

18:17 / 28.07.03

Long-distance relationships IMO can't work long-term.

They can work short-term, if you are working towards making them into short-distance relationships. If you have a plan and you're both dedicated to making it work then yeah, great. I would say that six months to a year was the absolute limit, depending on how often you do actually see each other during that time.

Listen to Lurid Rothkoid saying they're really fucking hard. Because they are, really, really fucking hard. The level of frustration involved is astounding and you have to be constantly sure that what you will be getting at the end will be worth it.

I have to say that my advice from what I see of your situation is - don't even go there. Sorry.

19:10 / 28.07.03

Gotta throw my hat in with fridge and Rothkoid. I wrestled with nearly a two year long distance relationship with someone I even had a deep history with and with whom I foolishly rationalized three one-week visits in those two years as sustaining. After a while it exists primarily in your head and that's just asking for trouble. Eventually you have to quit bandying around and make a decision to be in the same vicinty as one another. Otherwise it's dooooooomed. Dooooooooooomed.

20:40 / 28.07.03

it exists primarily in your head

This is a key point. You can get into a stage where it's more an obsession than a relationship and has less and less to do with the other person - I've seen it happen. Not that it necessarily does, but it's a danger.

20:53 / 28.07.03

They are hard, and they get harder. And they don't get easier when you're older.

They are, however, probably not what you need at your age. My first relationship was long distance, and I was 17, and it probably wasn't what I needed. And I tried, and did my best, and I'm as faithful as they get, but with hindsight the end (sucky as it was) was unavoidable.

I'm now in another one, but am viewing to make it less longterm. And this is easier, because though it's been going on for not that long... my. girl. friend. was probably my closest friend for three years beforehand anyway, at university. If you have the backstory, the distance can be managed - but not kept permanent. If you are trying to get to know each other at a distance... it'll be very, very hard.

Which is why suggest it's not what you need at your age; it's not what any of us needed (or wanted) at any age, but crucial facetime just won't be there.

Everyone else is right, too. And I think you need to understand that the most important form of contact is not textual, or verbal; they suffice, but they don't replace being around each other and doing nothing. Just the presence; not its effects. Unless you like being on the phone listening to nothing but breathing.

So I'd advise caution. This might be a wonderful new friend you've made, but I'd go very careful on it being anything more. That said: there is also no shame in trying. Just do trust us on this.

22:57 / 28.07.03

I really wish i could just be with him, and do nothing.

I know what you mean about the in-your-head thing. I did that for years with a guy from the army- it wasnt a long distance relationship, for the simple reason that it never was a relationship. More him coming home every few months and using me. But in that time i always turned it into something else, remembering tiny things he'd said that could have meant that perhaps he did like me, and was a nice person, when in reality he was a complete penis-head.

Eugh, but even saying that, and after almost everyone saying "dont go there", I cant imagine just leaving it. Nor can I imagine myself living in Portugal, as much as i'd like to. As it stands, we are speaking as 'friends,' but if i was to visit/vice-versa, it wouldnt be as friends.

I'll limit my babies to 20.

Totally unrelated, I feel like a baby is kicking inside me. And im not quite sure why.

23:18 / 28.07.03

I really wish i could just be with him, and do nothing.

That is the sweetest thing I've heard for a long time.

I've had three long distance relationships, four if you count one with a girl who left for Italy immediately after we broke up. I had to call and write and eventually go and see if I could patch it up; was that way for a year. The other three all left for studies in foriegn countries when we were a couple. (I actually now have ex-girlfriends in Paris, Rome and Seville!) None of these worked out at all.

But that's all me and not you at all. And I can't honestly say I won't try it again.

23:36 / 28.07.03

I feel really old and cynical and shit now...

03:06 / 29.07.03

I'll drink to that.

03:34 / 29.07.03

I'll drink to anything. Cheers!

07:55 / 29.07.03

gingerbop, I think you're too young to even be considering birthing half portuguese babies. But then, I think *I* am too young to consider those things, and I'm 30.

Anyway, hey, you just met the guy, why not send a few e-mails and IMs and whatnot and see where it goes? I don't really think you have anything to lose at this point.

08:25 / 29.07.03

Totally unrelated, I feel like a baby is kicking inside me. And im not quite sure why.

This sounds related to me.
I mentioned enjoying yummy feelings before, and on reflection I realise that I get a big kick out of bittersweet stuff.
This got me wondering, and I thought I'd ask, what about you?
I mean, it sounds like your feelings are intense just now. Is there something about the difficulty of this potential relationship, the unavailability of this man, which encourages you to dive in emotionally?
I don't mean to sound rude, it's only that I know how screwed up I can get over men, so I never put it past anyone else. And I'm not saying that there is nothing between you, because if that were so then you wouldn't be feeling anything at all.

08:27 / 29.07.03

On the other hand, your gut may be telling you that Portugese men have got it going on, and you need to move over there tout suite Pedro or no.

wembley can change in 28 days

10:31 / 29.07.03

Given that Toronto-London counts as a fairly hefty distance, I get to throw in my pitch too. They can suck, they can be great, but not everyone's the same. And anyone who tells you that all no-distance relationships are easy is selling something.

One nice thing is that you get to know the other person mentally, which is what really turns my crank in any relationship. It doesn't really match having a nice snuggly living pillow at night, though. And Rothko's right: they can cost a lot. But for fuck's sake, don't let us stop you. Go forth and multiply!

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

13:34 / 29.07.03

So...I guess this means our marriage is over?

Anyway...

I have been in a few of these, and all of them have had a few things in common:

They are messy.
You never feel completely connected.
You get to know the person in an odd way that does not mirror being around them.
The time you get get to spend with them becomes far more important.
It's shockingly easy to be lied to.

If you are going to pursue it, I would invest in phone cards, close friends nearby and the fact that you will be waiting more often than not.

Good luck!

My Mom Thinks I'm Cool

04:56 / 30.07.03

I'm at year 1.5 with a girl on the other end of the US. Pretty much all we get is letters. No emails, phone calls once every month or two, and so far only one visit which was expensive and sucky. I'm not sure if I can recommend it or not. The letters are cool and romantic and getting to know your mind and all but it sucks not having her here. Sometimes I wonder about the "all in your head" thing and how easy it is to think for two hours about every response in your letter, and therefore how accurate they are. I'm not unhappy or crazy with unfulfilled whatever, and I don't think it's impossible to be faithful (I'm having no problems. so far.)

And I think back to why I started it in the first place, which may or may not have been anything like what happened to you, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing.

08:37 / 30.07.03

Ok, I'm intrigued. Why don't you email and call her more often, pants?

12:06 / 30.07.03

my first response has to be: don't do it, don't do it, whatever you DO, don't do it!

there are all sorts of things that you can't possibly know you can deal with until you're around someone long enough to experience it for a while. and you can't really gauge potential cultural differences with important issues like sex, intimacy, communication, even the more subtle role expectations, no matter how many hours you log in over the phone. these differences can break even a strong relationship built on a hell of a lot of love, common interests, and mutual respect.

of course, I'm horribly horribly bitter right now, and normally I'm a big champion of taking a flying leap into reason when it comes to matters of love. so I say go for it anyway.

07:40 / 31.07.03

yeah - am inclined towards a similar “go for it – with a few caveats” line of advice.
For me anyway, it’s seems quite easy to wrongly assume something’s a go-er based on the initial emotional connection/energy with someone- which can be quite overwhelming, heady stuff. It probably takes a while for that to settle down so that you can make more of a sensible assessment of things – compatibility, whether or not it’s worth one or other of you up-rooting for a while.
Best of luck though

18:45 / 31.07.03

Hmmm. I think I'm going on the "what harm can a few emails/letters do?" stance. Theres no way i could just stop emailing him. At least they get me to see a part of him, even if its not nearly the whole relationshop shibang.

Im v glad someone said not to feel betrothed, cause otherwise i'd be feeling a bit of a dirty hussy today. A dirty, used duracell bunny.

18:50 / 31.07.03

oh, gbop. Thats quite wrong in a way that is absolutely right.

14:58 / 02.08.03

Wrong? Not with my morals. And anyone with higher standards than me, is clearly bullshitting.

And now I'm panicing. Unless he emails me back pretty soon tonight with his (real) address, I wont be able to write to him for 5 weeks. AAAAHHHHHH.

Buk's post is just below the box im writing this in, and i (momentaraly) thought it said why dont you call her pants more often. Would be an interesting conversation, im sure.

15:22 / 02.08.03

Just my 2 cents. I agree with whomever said that long-distance relationships can work if you work towards making them short-distance relationships. My first LDR (which I almost mis-typed LDS, which always reminds me of Star Trek IV, god I'm a nerd) was an unmitigated disaster, but I was 16, so whaddya want?

My second (Iowa-Los Angeles) resulted in ridiculous amounts of cross-country trips which neither of us could afford, then a brief stint with me shooting off to Thailand with him in New Orleans, and then I couldn't stand it anymore, came home, we lived together for a year and then ran away to the French Quarter to get married. We just passed our one-year anniversary and are as happy as champagne bubbles.

When we first met, he was 7.5 years older than me and living 2000-some miles away, and I thought, 'no way am I getting myself into this kind of pain again,' but we spent a month e-mailing and such, and then he came to visit... and after the sex and the Indian food and the flushed giggling, it just seemed inevitable.

So don't knock it just because he's far away... just make sure it doesn't stay that way too long, or you'll both be miserable.

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