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Underground > Film, TV & Theatre >

Aliens vs. Predator

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10:45 / 16.08.04

So, anyone seen this yet?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

13:54 / 16.08.04

Personally, I think they should do Aliens vs The Thing. Imagine it- a frozen wasteland. A godzillion Aliens. And you don't know which ones you can trust!!!

Needs work, I know. But I'm sure they could get Kurt Russell back.

14:09 / 16.08.04

surely the answer there is 'none of them.'

15:09 / 16.08.04

I haven't seen the film yet, and I doubt I will, but literally EVERY review I've read and account I've heard from people who have seen it says that it is mind-bogglingly inept.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:28 / 16.08.04

sleaze- that was kind of the whole point.

Regrettable Juvenilia

16:34 / 16.08.04

18:33 / 16.08.04

It's bad. It's definitely a substandard sequel to either of the two franchises. Ending with "Oh my god!! A Pred-Alien chestburster" to insure a shitty, godforsaken sequel.

Some of the concepts within the movie are very, very cool. The temple the humans are stuck in is a Rubix cube of changing corridors and passageways. And for a Predator initiation, it's a great idea to have the environment designed that way.

But from start to finish this movie is as bad, if not worse than Independence Day. Yep. That hokey.

The dialogue and the hurried introduction to cartoony, steretypical characters you really could give two shits about pretty much sets the lousy tone of this thing from the beginning. The sickly benefactor who's bent on coming on this mission. The tough-as-nails Ripley-esque feminine mountain climber. The Italian archaeologist who is Eco-Ripley's flash in the pan romance. The gang from every bad team movie you've ever seen are all here.

They tie the two franchises together by introducing Lance Henriksen's character as Charles Bishop Weyland, the man behind the Bishop robot from the second film and the Weyland-Yutani corporation that becomes such a big player in the Alien films. That's about the only inventive thing this movie has to present.

Everything else is rehashed, recycled scenes, some of them almost shot-for-shot, of the original Predator and Alien films. The Mountain-Climbing Ripley wannabe ends up befriending the last of three Predators left alive in the temple and because she inadvertently kills an Alien, he makes her a spear out Alien tail and a shield out of its head (trust me. it reads cooler than it looks on screen) and then they go trotting off, Batman and Robin stylee, to go fight them bad Aliens in a finale that will have you laughing your ass off.

Why they didn't just stick to the Dark Horse comics story, which had far more depth and truth to the franchises than this movie did, I do not know. What stuff they outright thieved from the Dark Horse comics (the team-up between female human and Predator) they ended up ruining, along with souring everything else about the previous films.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

19:10 / 16.08.04

So there's no big musical number then?

19:44 / 16.08.04

he makes her a spear out Alien tail and a shield out of its head

Oh my life, they make friends? What happened to the simple pleasure of rending flesh?

I hate this film on principle.

Foust is SO authentic

21:29 / 16.08.04

I remember during the production stage, how the directer kept bragging about the intense buildup in the first part of the movie. It wasn't a mindless action movie, he said - there was a plot. Build up! Character development before the fighting!

Bollocks, the movie was painfully boring and stupid, right up to the moment when a Predator goes hand to hand with an Alien.

And even then... it was kind of like watching a WWF match.

The people who made this movie had no imagination, no love for these alien creatures. The Predator just kind of stalked about, though he did get some good slicing and dicing in.

The portrayal of the Aliens continued to evolve in this movie, thankfully. Now, they scamper about like insects. It was strange to watch them move in groups - it was like watching ants, maybe.

Remember the animatronic Alien Queen from Aliens? Well, she's back, she's CGI, and she's an Olympic Track star.

The humans were stupid, just stupid. The buildup didn't generate worthwhile characters or suspense, it was just made for a useless first act that could have been filled with Predators going Samurai on a pack of Aliens.

There were really only two scenes that I was actually excited in, and both, the Predator was showing off excellent fighting ability. The rest was very workmanlike, with no imagination at all.

I've been waiting for this movie since I saw the Alien skull in the Predator ship in Predator 2... was the wait worth it?

Sure, I guess. Predators still fought Aliens, and... well, now I want to see Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash. Bring it!

nedrichards is confused

10:08 / 17.08.04

And predicatably enough it made a metric ton of rustling paper notes at the US Box office in its first week. So I think that's a 'yes' to the 'will there be a sequel?'

16:58 / 02.09.04

Just saw it. No build up or development - the people are reduced to a person in a matter of seconds. There are some nice little moments, but it's just a waste of a lot of potential. And the Queen has become a T-Rex from Jurassic Park.

It felt like an episode of the Outer Limits.

18:39 / 02.09.04

Yeah, it's pretty bad. Some nice fx work -- I liked the flashback thing with the Aliens swarming the temple -- but overall, painfully workmanlike. Slick and passionless, without a single original moment that I could find. Worst of all, it's not even kinda scary. On the other hand, the kids in the audience (approximately sixth grade) seemed to love the hell out of it. Which led me to wonder if maybe little kids were not in fact the target audience. Could explain the joke of a storyline and the big cuddly Predator at the end.

Worse, in a way, is the new Exorcist, which is an amazing horror film that's quite frightening and clearly intended for grownups -- until the last reel, where it drops the ball utterly and becomes unintentionally hilarious. I mean, it's not perfect to that point (there's some pretty hammy Nazi-related moments), but it's a worthy successor to the original...UNTIL THE END. At least with AVP, you knew almost immediately that it would suck, and indeed it does.

14:49 / 13.09.04

cor, yeah this one was a right little stinker. aliens 4 was on telly last night, and i have to say that even that piece o' shit wasn't as bad as AvP.

like aliens resurrection, there is a total lack of tension in both set-ups and execution, and every character is nameless, brainless and pointless (even henriksen. he's rubbish in it). theres a proper hilarious bit near the end with the girl and the predator running along in slomo with this big explosion behind them - like anthony kiedis in the under the bridge video (remember? hmm? ymmh?) but with even more soul. and there's this predators = atlanteans retconning laid on with a cluster bombs and some of the worst cg you can imagine. the fights are far too brief and very unexciting, either the aliens do their sneak-up splurge green blood everywhere, or the predator just does the aliens with claws and that's that. and it's all far less good than it was on the comic page, on the computer screeen and in your imagination.

the predators look quite good though. their masks and weaponry are just a touch different and they look a bit more like demon-men from outer space. that's the only good thing i can be arsed saying about this really pooey little film.

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

00:28 / 14.09.04

I finally saw this movie this weekend at the drive-in, and as a drive-in movie, it's near perfect. Not much of a plot, nothing new or interesting, just a very standard video game of a movie.

I can't believe that it took so long to make it, because there's really nothing there. The people are put through the standard scenes, the female character who is the focus at the beginning is the one who lives, and the "shock" at the end which was no shock at all.

Just a waste of a good idea, really. And probably killed both franchises, which might be a good thing.

04:31 / 14.09.04

I'm on the same film course that Paul Anderson was. Does this mean I'm doomed to make films everyone hates? I for one will be rooting for our lad from Warwick Uni..

ONLY NICE THINGS

07:19 / 14.09.04

I really liked "Magnolia". But I'm not sure about the recent course his films have taken. I mean, I realise that not every film is going to have the free rein from the studios to create a long, involved ensemble movie coaxing a career-best performance from Tom Cruise, but I can't help but wonder if he has gone too far in the other direction, that being the "hyperkinetic apocalypse of laser beams, thrashing insectoid aliens and exploding bodies" school.

Perhaps a Phillip Seymour Hoffman cameo might have slowed the pace a bit. What do you guys think?

07:59 / 14.09.04

not the same paul anderson but is it?

ONLY NICE THINGS

08:18 / 14.09.04

Well, what do you think, Gambit? Do you think it more likely that there are two Paul Andersons - let's call them, say, "Paul W.S Anderson" and "Paul Thomas Anderson" - one English, one American, one the Director of "Boogie Nights", "Magnolia" and "Punch-Drunk Love", the other the genius behind "Mortal Kombat", "Resident Evil" and now "Aliens vs Leatherface", or that there is one Paul Anderson with a wide range of arrows in his quiver, covering both hyperkinetic martial arts action, acrobatic gunplay and the saggy, saggy face of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, delivering heartbreakingly emotive lines as Tom Cruise bellows "respect the cock" in an upstairs room?

Precisely. Two Paul Andersons... crazy idea. How would one ever tell them apart?

08:40 / 14.09.04

Even better if directed by Wes Anderson. With special effects from Gerry Anderson. Starring Gillian Anderson. With Pamela Anderson as the Predator. And take place in an Anderson Shelter. Owned by the son of someone named Ander.

09:20 / 14.09.04

mortal kombat's a much better film than magnolia. mortal kombat two is very slightly less good than magnolia. phillip seymour hoffman is a poor man's christophe lambert. tom cruise is a revelation as the terrifying scorpion: 'get over here'. wonderful stuff this, it's like break-time.

ONLY NICE THINGS

10:23 / 14.09.04

And speaking of which, isn't it strange to think how star-studded Street Fighter was? Jean-Claude van Damme, Raul Julia, Kylie Minogue, Simon Callow.... as opposed to Mortal Kombat, which had to rely on Christophe Lambert, this time playing a Chinese lightning god with a French accent.

However, Mortal Kombat the Animated Series featured not just Clancy Brown, not just Clancy Brown and Luke freaking Perry, but Clancy Brown, Luke Freaking Perry and Ron the Fuck Perlman.

Mortal Kombat wins: FATALITY

10:34 / 14.09.04

i know that 'knowingness' is often a less than complementary thing to say about a film, but i like street fighter because i think it understands just the right amount of that nebulous quality. the scrap with e honda and zangief on top of the scale model of the citadel - sgood. sdead good.

poor old jc. bipolar y'know, and proud, name plastered all over the nhs' literature. it's a horrible condition, crippling worthless sadness, nothing gets done beneath its cloud. the weird bit though, is that even when he's on top of the world he just kicks folk in the face. balletic maiming is his living joy. when he's bedridden and the world is trying to eat his mind, his dreams of stabilising are just so he can get back out there, out there kicking face for the cameras. in a lot of ways, just like emily dickinson.

ONLY NICE THINGS

12:44 / 14.09.04

Is it possible that violence depresses him?

12:57 / 14.09.04

very possible, but watching 'nowhere to hide' makes it clear that non-violence depresses him far far worse.

19:31 / 14.09.04

I read a comment from a fan reviewer on the net somewhere that the AvP must have stood for "Avarice vs. Plot."

09:22 / 06.10.04

I was waiting for the terrifying Pengualien to make an appearance.
The Predators LIKE heat, doesn't mean they won't go out in the cold. They're not WIMPS.
And the humans were going to be cactus all along, I mean somebody has to incubate the chestbursters so we can have a movie, right?
That first fight WAS supposed to be a WWF match. That Predator was a young punk kid out to prove himself. See the ornate, "I'm a friggin' bad ass" mask he was wearing? Compare to the utilarian, unadorned faceplate of the older, experienced Predator who fights efficiently, using his weapons. Good strategy, too- he's picking off the humans first, so he has to deal with less Bugs later. He adopts the woman like you would a good hunting dog, considering our pedigree as slaves, after she gives him the shoulder cannon and kills a Bug.
Notice the tail on the Predator ship seems to block the exhaust? Obviously those glowing bits are heat sinks, not reaction engines.
Van Damme... you know he was the original Predator, until he wouldn't stop bitching about the suit and got fired? Didn't stop him from telling everybody he was "starring in a new film alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger". Jessie, Arnold... half of America is being run by the stars of Predator. Carl Weathers should go into politics.

Foust is SO authentic

10:13 / 06.10.04

"Buncha faggot pussies around here! This stuff'll turn you into a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus!!"

- Governor Jesse Ventura in Predator.

Haus of Mystery

10:53 / 06.10.04

It's Ahnholdt Schwarzenneggerrr, Morgue. That's the correct Austrian spelling.

11:03 / 06.10.04

it's 'slack-jawed faggots' there actually. normally quibbling about slurs wouldn't be important, however predator is probably best understood as a metaphor for the march of AIDS in the west, and the body's mouthing-off here is the film's pivotal piece of dialogue.

Haus of Mystery

14:40 / 06.10.04

Doesn't the speccy one make some joke about 'big pussies' near the beginning? First to be dismembered.
Maybe Predator's the ultimate homo-erotic slasher movie?

14:47 / 06.10.04

Jeez you gotta big pussy.
Jeez you gotta big pussy.
Whay did you say it twice?
I didnt.
(Laughter)

14:58 / 06.10.04

yes. he makes two jokes about big pussies, and gets right chopped up for it. i'm not being funny, but there's something about the actor who plays that guy that i can't remember - something nuts like he's jeph loeb or something. it's not just that he's reading sergeant rock in his 'smile buddy' bit at the end. )all films should end with bits like that.(

more very dodgy stuff to support the aids allegory. apologies in advance:

dominant themesong is good golly miss molly by little richard, the first man to bring sexual ambiguity into postwar pop culture.

blaine's mtv t-shirt (read: more pop pansyism)

mac's soliloquy at the moon before blading the pig.

mac's breathless (i.e. hedonistically doomed) rendition of ggmm's refrain as he heads of to his death. 'we're going to have some fun tonight'

weathers nearly breaking down in tears when he talks about the men that he sentenced to death by sending them into the jungle ahead of arnie.

'the demon that makes trophies of man' it's all just notches on the bedpost to ol' pred-head

something about the two black guys having a respectful reconciliation just before striding off to die. something about the virus' supposed african origins, and refusal to acknowledge class boundaries. (losing steam now.)

the predator can only see you if you're hot(ttt!)!

more spurious bullshit later maybe

14:59 / 06.10.04

by the way, can the first person to say 'jeph loeb (co-)wrote commando' please not bother?

weird gay subtext in that'n too.

Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero

16:44 / 06.10.04

Van Damme... you know he was the original Predator, until he wouldn't stop bitching about the suit and got fired?

Yeah. Rumor has it he would just fall down all the time until they fired him. He wanted to be released so he could do Bloodsport. Clearly the smarter move on his part.

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