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Limericks only please.

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We're The Great Old Ones Now

12:32 / 05.06.03

Oh, an old rude one - I don't know the author:

There was a young man from Bulgaria
Whose manners were rather in-fer-riah.
He did to a nun
what none should have done
And now she's a Mother Superior.

There's another one which I've just seen misquoted all over the Internet, widely and cheerfully plagiarised by naughty competition entrants - does anyone have the original? I think it may have been Oscar Wilde:

On the breast of the barmaid at Rale
Is inscrbied the price of the Ale
And upon her behind
For those who are blind
She bears the same message in Braille.

It's entirely possible that Wilde (or whoever) lifted it from elsewhere, but certainly it wasn't written by Martin N. Smith of Croydon in 1984, despite the cheeky bugger earning himself a year's supply of beer from some unsuspecting local paper.

Bill Posters

12:37 / 05.06.03

more scholarly ones:

There once was a student called Fred,
And having read Descartes, he said,
"Well it's perfectly clear,
That I'm not really here,
For I haven't a thought in my head."

There was a young chap who said, "Ayer
Has answered the atheist's prayer,
For a Hell you can't verify,
Surely can't terrify,
At least 'till you know you are there.

Sonny Winters

11:23 / 06.06.03

ahem

*adopts stance of one about to deliver a classic*

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whos dick was so long, he could suck it.
He said, with a grin,
Whilst wiping his chin,
"If my ear was a fanny, i'd fuck it"

Belter!

Bill Posters

11:42 / 06.06.03

There once was a fellow named Skinner,
Who took a young lady to dinner;
At half past nine,
They sat down to dine,
And by quarter to ten it was in her.
What dinner?
No, Skinner.

- Norman Douglas

There once was a beauty from Kent,
Who said that she knew what it meant,
When men asked her to dine,
Upon oysters and wine,
She knew. Oh she knew. But she went.

(dunno who wrote than 'un, but it wasn't me.)

Baz Auckland

11:54 / 06.06.03

So that's what the infamous Nantucket limerick is? I always wondered...

We're The Great Old Ones Now

11:57 / 06.06.03

Bill - think that second one might be Spike Milligan.

Sax

11:58 / 06.06.03

Secret Lives of Barbeloids - A Limerick Epick

Here's a secret - did you know Haus juggles
Two lives? He's the bloke behind Buggles.
On weekends, Trevor Horn
(The name with which he was born)
Transforms into Haus and gives huggles.

And while we're talking there's Rizla
Who's really a woman - a sizzler!
Long legs and a tan
Blonde hair, combi van
A shame she's a Scouser - "It is, la."

On to Cameron - our resident pro.
Interesting facial hair, bro'.
He draws with such power
Selina Kyle in the shower.
Just a shame that he can't grow that 'fro.

Sonny Winters

13:59 / 06.06.03

Today’s cinematic emporium
Is not just a visual sensorium,
But a highly effectual,
Heterosexual,
Mutual masturbatorium.

(Apologies to all those of you of a non-heterosexual bent, but frankly, any other word would irreparably mess with the near-perfect meter and timing of this one)

We're The Great Old Ones Now

14:46 / 06.06.03

This started as a limerick. And then it was more fun to break the pattern and go nuts (w. apologies to Sax!):

Young Sax has abandoned the mansion of scansion,
Fair burbles with verbal morass's corruptions,
Injurious and insect-like rhymes and meters,
Poetical crimes, a-swarmin' like skeeters;
A swampscape of language and mud-covered transoms,
And bubbles and rubble where once there were stanchions.

gingerbop

19:07 / 06.06.03

There is a young d00d called Elijah
I hear he's awfully fond of papaya
His offices girls are all bitches
Lets hope that he pitches
A tent on their heads til they scream "AYA!"

Less searchable M0rd4nt

16:16 / 08.06.03

There was a young artist named Saint,
Who swalloed some samples of paint.
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colourful lack of restraint.

Jub

08:48 / 12.06.03

A policeman from near Clapham Junction
Had a penis that just wouldn't function
For the rest of his life,
He misled his wife
With some snot on the end of his truncheon

Hugh_DeMann

11:58 / 12.06.03

On the tits of a barmaid in Sale
Were tattooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same list of prices in Braille.

Bill Posters

14:03 / 12.06.03

A publisher went off to France,
In search of a tale of Romance;
A Parisian lady
Told a tale so shady
That the publisher made an advance.

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