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Limericks only please.

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Sonny Winters

12:06 / 04.06.03

I am new here (hello). I thought I'd start a new thread. Anyone know any limericks? The ruder the better, I should think.

*ahem*

There was a young feller called Reg
Who was 'cracking one off' in the hedge
The gardener drew near
With a big pruning shear
And lopped off the edge of his wedge

I thank you.

Bill Posters

12:13 / 04.06.03

this one is very offensive to the feminist viewpoint, but it's clever, so here goes:

I Caesar, when I heard of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I right there laid claim.
Ahead of my legions,
I invaded her regions -
I saw, I conquered, I came.

i thank u. (does this thread have to be all rude, though, 'cos believe it or not that's the only rudey one i got)

unheimlich manoeuvre

12:47 / 04.06.03

There once was a man who said 'Damn!
It is borne in upon me I am
An engine that moves
In predestinate grooves;
I'm not even a bus, I'm a tram.'

Bill Posters

12:57 / 04.06.03

There was a young woman from Thrace,
Whose corsets would no longer lace.
Her mother said, "Nelly,
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face."

not all rude? good:

A fisherman named Fisher,
Was fishing for fish in a fissure,
When a fish with a grin
Pulled the fisherman in,
And now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

Eloi Tsabaoth

13:07 / 04.06.03

Each night Father fills me with dread
When he sits at the foot of my bed
I'd not mind that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks
But for seventeen years he's been dead

-Edward Gorey

Bill Posters

13:22 / 04.06.03

this one is even less pc than the Cleopatra one:

There was an old ped from Madrid,
Who lustfully looked at a kid.
He said, "Oh my joy!
I'll bugger that boy,
You see if I don't." And he did.

(i read that in a Graham Greene biography, though don't recall whether he himself wrote it or what)

Sonny Winters

14:07 / 04.06.03

There was a young lady called Bright,
whose speed was much faster than light.
She travelled one day
in a relative way,
and arrived on the previous night.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

14:48 / 04.06.03

My God! Is it time for a limmerick thread?
I thought the damn things might stay dead.
Poetic excressence!
Barbeloid essence!
How infuriating. I'm off to bed.

Lurid Archive

14:55 / 04.06.03

There was a young man from Milan,
whose rhymes they never did scan.
When asked why it was
he said, "Its because,
I always try to fit in as many words onto the last line as I possibly can."

Sax

14:56 / 04.06.03

A writerly Barbeloid, Nick
Was secretly rather quite thick
The words he had penned
Were copied - forfend! -
From letters to a paper in Wick

Bill Posters

15:04 / 04.06.03

Said an eminent scholar, "Just how,
Am I supposed to explain to you Tao?
It is come, it is go,
It is yes, it is no,
Yet neither. D’you understand now?"

- R.J.P.Hewison

Jub

15:13 / 04.06.03

When I asked once am I thick?
People laughed and took the mick
To make their case
And my disgrace
I wrote this awful limerick.

Sonny Winters

15:18 / 04.06.03

There once was a bloke from Southend,
Who got cancer and died, The End

Sorry, that was possibly beyond the bounds of good taste. Not to mention Limerickularly unsound...

But then fuck good taste. In the bum. And limerickular correctuality is also pretty low on my list of priorities.

Bill Posters

15:35 / 04.06.03

that's a kewl one (though obviously a bit potentially offensive) but i think its 'rule-breaking' is part of what makes it work, rather like Lurid's... but then, i dunno much about literature, so i'm guessing.

Sonny Winters

16:11 / 04.06.03

You flatter me. I wrote that. Aren't I clever?
*swaggers round room officiously, trips over chair, breaks important part of pelvis*
Damn!

Kit-Cat Club

16:21 / 04.06.03

None of these are mine - mine are all rotten.

Not rude:

'Tis a favourite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at three,
For it's simpler, you see,
Than three point one four one five nine.

There was an old man of Darjeeling
Who caught the six-thirty to Ealing.
It said on the door,
'Do not spit on the floor'
So he carefully spat on the ceiling.

Rude (and a thoroughly ancient chestnut to boot):

There once was a plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, 'Cease your plumbing -
I think someone's coming.'
Said the plumber, still plumbing, 'It's me!'

—| x |—

16:30 / 04.06.03

A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Moebius band was divine
Said he: "If you glue
The edges of two,
You'll get a weird bottle like mine."

Shrug

16:33 / 04.06.03

As he looked out beyond the fog,
He heard the howl of a dog,
"Blimey", said he,
I'm in a B-movieee,
Then he took a sip of his grog.

?

rakehell

23:52 / 04.06.03

This is from the short-lived Kid Eternity series.

There was a young man from Kent,
Who's uh-uh was terribly bent.
To save himself trouble
He stuck it in double.
And instead of coming, he went.

alas

03:44 / 05.06.03

not rude but my favorite, from an old episode of Columbo

A very rare bird is the pelican;
His bill can hold more than his belly can.
He can store in his beak
Enough food for a week,
But I just don't know how the hell he can.

It's the fun fun fun multiple syllabic rhymes that I adore.
More?

08:30 / 05.06.03

Hi Sonny. Here's two limericks that are pants. Although the second is kinda informative.

There was a young man from Venus,
Who had a very large mortgage,
He fell off of the grass,
Right on to his patio,
And got covered in patio-dust.

There was a young Transformer (TM) from Cybertron,
An evil Decepticon named Megatron,
He spent all of his time,
Fighting Optimus Prime,
Before before turned into the marginally superior Galvatron.

ONLY NICE THINGS

08:40 / 05.06.03

A Magdalen Dean of Divinity,
Had a daughter who kept her virginity.
The Fellows of Magdalen,
They must have been dawdling;
'Twould never have happened at Trinity

Sax

08:53 / 05.06.03

A veteran poster named ZoCher
Though his ficsuit was adequately kosher
Caused a bit of a shock
When he changed it to Xoc
'Cos he thought that it came across posher.

He's been around ages, that Ganesh
Certainly longer than Darius Danesh
Who's also a Jock
Like that other guy, Xoc,
Not from the Afghan town of Anesh

(bit desperate, that one)

Kit-Cat Club

09:06 / 05.06.03

Whenever the Marchioness swoons,
Her bosoms pop out like balloons.
Her butler stands by
With hauteur in his eye
And lifts them back in with warm spoons.

Sax

09:11 / 05.06.03

Couple of rude non-Barbelith ones from my schoolyard days:

There once was a young man from Cheam
Who invented a wanking machine
On the forty-ninth stroke
The fucking think broke
And battered his balls into cream

There was an old lady from Neath
Who circumcised men with her teeth
Twas not for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But to get at the cheese underneath.

Unencumbered

09:29 / 05.06.03

Lots of old favourites have been posted already but I'm surprised that this one hasn't made an appearance yet.

There was a young man from Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
One was so small
It was no ball at all
But the other won several prizes.

Bill Posters

10:24 / 05.06.03

this one's anonymous, sadly:

A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain;
The cause of his sorrow
Was Para-dichloro-
Diphenyltrichlorothane.

Sonny Winters

10:31 / 05.06.03

A progressive professor named Tinners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the very debased
Would not be held back by beginners.

Bill Posters

10:40 / 05.06.03

There was a young fellow named Sydney,
Who drank 'till he ruined his kidney.
It shrivelled and shrank,
As he sat there and drank,
But he had fun doing it, didn' he?

lentil

11:22 / 05.06.03

I began writing and my terror was abject
As I plunged right on in with no subject
The problem got worse
Because I finished the verse
With a contextless usage of "object".

Now I'm stuck in a loop of self-reflexivity
That quintessential po-mo activity
Where is the writer's voice?
Is this signal or mere noise?
Such distinctions are made with great difficulty.

There was a young pseudo-intellectual
Who, despite his vocabulary, was ineffectual
Though he insists that he's right
His insights are shite
And could be described as execrable.

That wasn't about me, I meant my mate Ruth
But maybe she's just my new fiction suit?
A disguise that I use
To fend off the blues
That come from accepting the truth?

Nah bollocks to that, navel-gazing's not my style
This was just a fun way to spend a little while
Away from the mess
Piling up on my desk
That's done, now I've remits to file.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

12:03 / 05.06.03

Quoth Sax "I shall mock that Nick fellow,
For he's so easy-going and mellow!"
Yet next day he was found
Head shaved and hands bound
And his pantaloons filled up with Jell-O.

Bill Posters

12:11 / 05.06.03

Caius' is pronounced 'keys' herein. This one's the story of my life:

A chap at a college named Caius,
Weighed down by B.A.'s and Litt.D.'s,
Collapsed from the strain.
Alas! It was plain
He was killing himself by degrees.

(I've changed it a bit, but this one was originally by one Mrs Warren.) On an equally scholarly note:

A student from Pembroke once said:
"I'll take my mathematics to bed.
My girl isn't willing,
But I still need thrilling,
So I'll integrate, quietly, instead."

- A.Stoker

And on a more philosophical note:

Remember when you are bemusing,
And daily decisions confusing,
That for life existential,
The thing that's essential
Is never the choice but the choosing.

C.Hughes

ONLY NICE THINGS

12:12 / 05.06.03

This verse form's enormous expansion,
Caused a general confusion on scansion.
"It isn't that hard,"
Quoth a confident bard,
"It's like rhyme; you must just pay attantion."

Sax

12:22 / 05.06.03

Though he knew he should have been working,
Haus could not stop himself lurking
In the limerick thread
Where he posted and said
To himself "that'll fox 'em", while smirking.

Bill Posters

12:31 / 05.06.03

Object Relations limericks:

On Sally's white bosom there leaned
The cheek of a low-minded fiend,
But she pulled up his head,
And angrily said,
"My boy, won't you ever be weaned?"

A lusty young wife once begat,
Three boys, Nat, Pat and Tat.
They all yelled for food,
And a problem ensued
When she found there was no tit for Tat.

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