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Dates

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23:13 / 14.05.03

Are fucking weird.

Asked a girl out today who I've had the hots for for ages. Terror of terrors, she agreed.

Thing is, she's just come out of a three year relationship and doesn't want to tread that ground again for little while - needless to say, I'd quite like to.

Anyway, just got back from our date which turned out to be pretty fucking ace - two intelligent, good looking folks (at least that's how I like to think of the ol' boboss and his potential mate) in their late twenties getting on like a house on fire.
So then, what is to happen now? How am I supposed to maintain a relationship with someone who's just not ready for one? Is it possible?

We've agreed to see each other again ("agreed" sounds fucking formal) next week, and I did whip out my masterful snogging technique at the end of the evening which appeared to have the desired effect of inducing a hypnotic "must have him" state in the target, then, of course, I walked away cool as school.

But...

But...

AGH! What now?

Apologies to Remembrax, Celebrity, Fraely and Onion who are going to hear far to much about this IRL. I can't help it! I have to spunk this out.

23:44 / 14.05.03

Some say wait 3-4 days before calling her again to thank her for the date...

Others say wait 8 days (specificly Tom Cruise in MAGNOLIA)

What can I say?

Be cool... don't presure...

If you're really into her (as in don't really want to date anyone else) than take your time and cultivate yourself...

Good luck

07:26 / 15.05.03

Maybe I should lay some jealousy traps?

Thing is about calling her, I work around her every day.

The Natural Way

08:38 / 15.05.03

You were pissed when you originally posted, weren't you?

'masterful snogging technique'?

Uggrgh.

In fact all that shit from 'hypnotic' to 'school'....

Uggrgh Uggrgh.

09:19 / 15.05.03

I dunno, man... I've been in a similar situation before, completely and pathetically (that's me, not you) in love with someone who didn't want a relationship, but who still wanted to shag me. I was 100% convinced that if I just waited around ze would want a long term relationship with me. As it turned out, I was right, but by the time it happened I had been so trampled on that *I* couldn't have an r-ship with hir. So, what I would say is - watch out for your own feelings, make sure you both know what the situation is, and try not to become a doormat with the desperation for an LTR. If it's going to be too painful for you to have a non-relationship with her, don't do it - and don't submit to being fucked over either deliberately or accidentally, just because you and she aren't in an LTR. Perhaps an honest-to-goodness relationship will come of it, if you give it time... you have to decide if you can wait and deal with the uncertainty.

The Natural Way

09:24 / 15.05.03

Absolutely.

A bit pessimistic perhaps, but it's good for an external voice to underline the pitfalls, even if Boboss knows about them himself.

09:50 / 15.05.03

Best of luck though, Bobossboy.

12:26 / 15.05.03

Pissed, not very actually. Absolutely no hangover in the cold light of day.

I have discovered shorts, which seem to be a lot better for me than beer.

13:27 / 15.05.03

But your legs can get cold? Beer doesn't do that, now does it?

14:07 / 15.05.03

Was waiting for that one.

15:05 / 15.05.03

I'm in a similar situation, Boboss. Actually, it's almost exactly the same situation. If you're playing it cool already then kudos because that's the way to go. In a situation like this you need to look out for yourself because intentionally or not, she's probably going to hurt your feelings. So stay close but maintain your distance (if that makes any sense to you). Give it some time and things will probably work out in your favor.

15:47 / 15.05.03

4 days. Not 8.

16:07 / 15.05.03

Sorry, this if off topic a bit, but I have to know - do people really wait that long to call up someone after a date? Someone they *like*? Isn't that just incredibly rude and juvenile? Like 'The Rules' or somesuch bollocks. You should call the next day, as far as I am concerned, to let the person know one way or another. I've had one date in my life (and it ended when I discovered he couldn't kiss. Really, really, really couldn't kiss. Sounds shallow, probably, but it would have made a relationship impossible. And no, I didn't tell him that was the reason, though I was tempted), but if someone tried that on me, they would be given the big fuck off.

16:24 / 15.05.03

I'm with you Slim. Bloody awful isn't it? Not in love, however, just a big crush.

As for waiting, I know I never have. Sounds like stupid bollocks.

On the kissing front, I have to agree, bad kissers truly put me off. Last girl I was with wasn't a very good kisser - her lips were too small and her technique wasn't too hot. Of course, it didn't help that I didn't find her at all attractive. God knows what I was doing.

17:41 / 15.05.03

Getting back on the bike and realising that it was easy to ride, Boboss. Glad you're looking at new bikes, that last one was knackered and only had five gears and it was a racer and a cool mountain bike would be ace but might be expensive. Having said that, there are some good bargains to get down the market but we all know that the best bikes are free. Sometimes friends give them to you when they go travelling, sometimes you just find them outside your workplace or on the street. You can steal cool bikes but that is illegal. Bikes.

18:25 / 15.05.03

don't call the next day, call the day after that.
seriously. cos there *are* ppl who get freaked if you call the v. next day, hard to tell who is one. and any longer is just so...faux blase that it makes me want to puke.
having said that, if someone calls me weds. evening or later to ask for a date for that weekend, i'm busy. even if i'm not. so i do run a little bit of game-playing, but it's really just that i don't want boys to get into the habit of making plans w/me at the last minute.

Whisky Priestess

18:46 / 15.05.03

Really? I'm always available unless I actually have something to do. I can never understand what possible advantage there could be to being "busy" when someone you like (cos if you didn't you'd just refuse outright, yes?) suggests a drink, just because you - what? - want to seem temptingly unavailable? So you'd rather stay home and stare at the walls? Order pizza, watch TV and masturbate?

Isn't that kind of ... even sadder than letting people know that you're still not booked up for the weekend by Wednesday evening? Or is this an American/NY thing?

ONLY NICE THINGS

18:48 / 15.05.03

Order pizza, watch TV and masturbate?

Dude, that *is* a date.

Well, you know, second date.

19:21 / 15.05.03

i know, it sounds gross to play games like that. but i've just had too many boys end up calling me at like 6pm on a saturday just to 'see what's up.' and this is after days of me hoping he'll call, cos i really want to see him. so i'm just, like, sitting around, pining away, all that time. (yick.) COS if i don't, and i go ahead and make plans, then he calls and i'm busy and he's the one i really wanted to see anyways, unless i don't make plans w/anyone else for that reason and then maybe he doesn't call at all and it's pizza, tv, and my favorite vibe, as you say, right? so this way i try to show straightaway that you have to reserve me in advance. is this so wrong? sigh. i wish there was a better way but i haven't found one.
questions? comments?

Whisky Priestess

19:45 / 15.05.03

Oy veh. More sympathy trickles into the withered black vegetable of my heart: I've been there. And the ironic thing is that it wasn't even a first date scenario - I had been going out with the bastard for six months at the time!

19:54 / 15.05.03

Bobossboy: if you've got a second date, you've GOT A RELATIONSHIP.

The name of this kind of relationship is: DATING.

You're DATING SOMEONE.

You don't have to call it that, but still. It's there and there's no way around it.

And anyone who doesn't call the next evening (or at latest early in the day after that) is either an idjit or hopelessly jaded.

20:08 / 15.05.03

I always called the non-relationship scenario an 'involvement'.

23:19 / 15.05.03

I'm Soooo glad no-one's really buying the wait X# of days prescription...
...Never worked for me neither.

Now the availability factor is tricky indeed...

the difference between the formal "date" and the "hey what are you up-to tonight" seems to intersect time spent together and a sort of intimacy... Yes? No?

So what's the difference between say:

"Dating someone"

"Seeing someone"

"involved with someone"

???

My Mom Thinks I'm Cool

01:49 / 16.05.03

Apparently the difference between "going on dates" and "having a relationship" is important even if it shouldn't be. Twice I've been the victim of what I call the "retroactive breakup", which is where you get dumped so hard you weren't going out in the first place. Even after six months of dating and meeting parents and etc. "Oh, I'm sorry, did you think we had a relationship? We were just dating, I like dates. I've been dating several other guys. We don't have a relationship."

Probably somewhat my fault for not having some kind of a clue. But still confusing. I always wonder what I did too strongly/not strongly enough or whatever. Or if I've just been dating nasty mean people.

Somewhat more in line with the abstract - best date: senior prom, we stole stuff from the restaraunt together, very romantic. worst date: swing dancing lessons, one or the other of us had no sense of rythm at all and neither will admit it.

Tryphena Absent

02:45 / 16.05.03

So what's the difference between say:
"Dating someone"
"Seeing someone"
"involved with someone"

Back in the mists of time I asked my friend Vicki that very question. I have no idea how a 14 year old knew the answer but she had an older brother so maybe he told her that...
Dating someone means you're exclusively dating them.
Seeing someone means you're not exclusively dating them.
Involved with someone means you screw them... sometimes. Although actually the last one is hazy and can mean that you're dating or seeing them but don't want to say it out loud as well.

Ridiculous, isn't it?!

07:34 / 16.05.03

i do the "if you wanna see her that weekend, call her by Wed" thing, to make plans and all, and if i call on a Thrus, when i get to the we should go out, i do shoot for the next weekend, but am usually told "oh i'm free THIS Saturday"... but i never expect it, and i've never really met anyone w/ a rule about it tho...

i don't do the "wait so many days" thing, i don't call the next day usually, cuz i've overkilled so many people (friends and potenial dater people) w/ smothering... i call again when it feels right, no prescribed amount of time...

and i've gotten to actually hate second meetings/dates, never as fun as the first i've found, but maybe that's just me... it's a wonder i have any freinds at all sometimes.. but i do, and i love them both...

09:06 / 16.05.03

Isn't there a transatlantic difference, too? I've never heard anyone from the UK claim to be "dating" someone, and if I tried to say it myself, I think the words would physically lodge in my throat.

09:09 / 16.05.03

I think we just say 'going out with'... and that runs the gamut of anything from Friday nights down the chip shop to regular sleepovers in your partner's basement/dungeon. But I've never considered myself to be 'going out with' someone either... but I think a lot of people do use that phrase.

09:18 / 16.05.03

I use 'going out with', but I don't think any of my relationships/liaisons have started in a manner that was formal enough to be called 'dating'. To me, that implies going to the drive-in cinema and having to be at home by twelve, with Mom waiting up for you to come back in, and your friends quizzing you about how far you went the next day at High school (but perhaps I have a skewed perspective on these things)...

Or perhaps it's just because people over here aren't upfront enough to say 'Do you want to go on a date with me?' and weasel out by saying 'Do you fancy a drink?' - meaning that the intention is perfectly clear but unspoken, so that if it goes wrong one can save some face.

11:19 / 16.05.03

well, semantics aside, I have no idea what it is I'm doing with this girl, if in fact I'm doing anything at all. Got the day off work today which gives me a nice three day breathing space.

Will probably text her over the weekend and remind her that I exist with hilarious and charming messages.

Thinking about it, the humble text is a pretty impressive addition to the flirting arsenal.

14:09 / 16.05.03

i was at a party last week and met a guy who said that another girl at the party (who i knew) was his "special friend."
i took that to mean they were sleeping together, and probably went out on dates, but were not exclusive, but probably had potential. but that's just how i took it.

how should i introduce the guy i'm dating/seeing right now? we are sleeping together (OMG, slapper), but are not exclusive, but neither of us would see anyone else cos we spend most all our free time together cos we're falling for one another. (and how.) basically it's just a matter of time before i'm introducing him as my boyfriend, but what to say in the interim? i'm seriously considering "special friend"...

14:23 / 16.05.03

Aren't you worried people might think he's "special" in the Blue Peter sense of the word?

14:29 / 16.05.03

who's Blue Peter? (asked the Yank.)

14:37 / 16.05.03

Blue Peter ( http://www.bbc.co.uk/cbbc/bluepeter/makes/index.shtml )
is a looooong-running kids TV show here in the UK, and an integral part of all our brains. If anyone says 'Here's one I prepared earlier' they are copying Blue Peter.

re: dating etc. I've never bought into the rules, as far as I'm concerned if I'm seeing someone regularly then that's what it is- eventually they get called your partner. Basically you're worried she's going to dump you and leave you heartbroken, right? Well there's no way to avoid that if it's going to happen except by being so great she won't want to. Just because she says she doesn't want to get into a long term thing doesn't mean it won't happen- it's like the hangover oath "eurgh, I'll never drink again..."

Good luck!

14:54 / 16.05.03

Blue Peter? A horrifically dull children's tv show where a magic telly family would demonstrate building fun stuff like pencil-holders out of common house hold items... and glitter, in between gardening features and attempts to raise cash for the annual "Blue Peter Appeal" - a misguided effort to create a fleet of mini-buses for the nations "special" (read mentally or physically handicapped) children.

God, thinking about it, I wish I was a yank.

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