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Let's Have Some Irritating New Laws and Regulations

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13:02 / 07.05.03

You are a bitter misanthrope with a ker-azy sense of fun. You have been made Queen of the Universe. What stupid new laws and regulations will you declare, just to annoy and irritate everyone? Ideally they should be an enormous pain, but not absolutely impossible to comply with.

Doors - makers and installers of doors to be paid a royalty every time they are used*. A small fee to be added to the royalty bill for every [x] degrees the door moves through (totted up by a meter in one of the hinges), and another for every time a person passes through the door. Royalties must be paid in pennies, once a week, in person to the door maker (the total owed on each door to be indicated by one of those mechanical mileometer thingies in the door frame). The door maker must monitor all doors that they are responsible for from a single command centre, and keep accurate records of all payments in a big, hand-written ledger.

* Yes, yes, I know it's a bit like the talking coin-op doors in Ubik, but it's not exactly the same, okay?

13:39 / 07.05.03

To combat the claims that 1, 2 and 5 pence coins are becoming obsolete:

A list of certain day-to-day purchases will be compiled (eg, milk, bread, washing up liquid, etc). These items will have to be paid with certain combinations of coins - for example, a litre of milk costing 56p *must* be paid with one twenty pence, two ten pence coins, two five pence, three two pence and one penny. The giving of change will be forbidden, but chashiers will need a large store of coins in all denominations for swaps.

Also, all bus fares will be paid with five pence pieces or less.

13:49 / 07.05.03

A minimal sidewalk tax for wear and tear on pedestrian thoroughfares. To be calculated monthly by anyone using the sidewalk. A small, unobtrusive (read "bulky & uncomfortable") mileage device will be implanted in every shoe sold, licensed to one specific shoe wearer. The devices will be automatically turned on and off by small, unobtrusive (read "bulky & hazardous") infrared devices on every curbside & crosswalk.
Rates will be assessed at .003 cents per mile, with corresponding penalties for those jaywalking to avoid the curbside activators/deactivators.

14:08 / 07.05.03

SPORTS
A recent study shows that football fans experience symptoms of depression when their team loses and euphoria when their team wins.
New laws are brought in that forbid more than one supporter of any team to be employed in any business, as a lost game for a whole office of supporters would bring down productivity, and a won game give the business an unfair advantage over others.
Additionally, cities will not be allowed to have more than 10 supporters of any one team resident. To make this easier football teams will no longer be associated with any particular area, and instead will take numbers, i.e. 10 united, 32 wanderers, 29 park rangers. Also, it will become obligatory for everyone to support and care about a team, as non-supporters would have an advantage over supporters. All other sports are banned to avoid confusion.

14:21 / 07.05.03

As I've been 'promoted' to Health and Safety Co-ordinator in my place of employment, I can see the need for rigorous (and I mean *rigorous*) application of H&S policies in the workplace.

To whit:

Filling in (in triplicate, by hand of course) a risk-assessment form for every single adjustment made to a working environment. These adjustments include (but are not limited to) turning the lights on and off, opening or closing a window, changing the colour contrast on your monitor, moving your mouse etc. After all, you can't be TOO careful.

This could be extended to the home (after all, most accidents occur in the home, and I am a benign overlord and only want my subjects to be safe in their little hovels...)

So, all kettles will warm water to no more than body temperature (to stop scaldings). Ditto baths and showers (which incidentally will only be allowed to be filled to a depth of 3mm). The electricity supply would be lowered to 9 volts and a few milliamps, leading to a big drop in electrocutions. Ovens/hobs/grills will give off as much heat as a 25 watt bulb, meaning no more burn injuries.

Much safer.

14:28 / 07.05.03

To keep Public Houses in line with the new rules and regulations of the New Monarchy, the proclamation rings out that no one is allowed to drink from a glass which they are holding.

All glasses must be held by someone else in the bar, be it a friend, acquaintance or just another regular. When you want to drink they must take your glass and raise it to your lips.

No star here laces

15:38 / 07.05.03

Verbal copyright due diligence legislation (pending)

In order to better protect the intellectual property rights of the individual, whenever verbal mention is made of an idea that originated from someone else, the speaker must quote the following legal disclaimer:

"This idea is copyright to xxxxxx between the years of xxx and xxx. In referring to this idea, I in no way claim ownership or credit for its content or utility. All queries about the originality of this idea should be referred to the legal representatives of xxxxxx, where appropriate. I take no further responsibility for the utility made of this idea by anyone who has heard me utter it, whether or not I intended said individual to hear me speak."

15:41 / 07.05.03

nudity will be limited to thirteen minutes per day, per person.
no borrowing or lending of minutes may occur, and anyone wishing to extend their alloted time in the altogether must apply to be considered for a special pass.

applicants will be judged on their aesthetic appeal, charisma, and predisposition towards touching themselves.

sexual activity will not be prohibited, provided it either lasts less than the allotted daily time, or is enjoyed clothed.

those flouting this law, although difficult to catch, will be met with the full force of the law and incarcerated in a lightless and unheated institution where they can be as naked as they please.

18:36 / 07.05.03

In order to boost the economy and advertising sector, spam will be made compulsory at a level of 95% of your daily inbox, minimum 50. Spam filters will be illegal and all spam will be undeletable until clicked on, no matter what size your penis.

All websites will generate a minimum of three (3) popups.

Not only will you not be permitted to use file-sharing, but even bringing a CD within six feet of your computer will cause it to explode and cover you with singing orange dye, volume half-life seven days.

20:07 / 07.05.03

Placing the word 'spoiler' in any thread title is grounds for immeadiate execution. All posts must include at least three spoilers or 1 mindblowing revelation. Infact, at birth babies will bo told who shot J.R., The truth about Darth Vacer/Luke, then ending of each seasons 24 and the secret to how they get the soft creamy caramel inside the caramilk bar.

20:21 / 07.05.03

Women judged (self-evidently by myself) to be "slappers" will be exiled (to, umm, somewhere) - as will "doley scroungers" and any 'disableds' in wheelchairs who I don't like the look of. Or maybe shot. With utmost dignity.

*chuckles, smileys aplenty*

No, but seriously...

I'll follow Italy's example in making suicide illegal - except I'll outlaw parasuicide on a 'three strikes and you're helped out' forcibly-assisted suicide/self-euthanasia programme.

Misplacing an apostrophe will be punishable by a day in the stock's.

All career posts in the public sector will include a Floristry Allowance.

20:37 / 07.05.03

If anyone asks 'How are you?' you are obliged by law to state in detail and at length exactly how you feel physically, mentally, spiritually, socially and politically. The same 'Lengthy Detailed Truth' law applies for phrases like 'How's your girl/boy/neuterfriend?' 'What are you up to these days?' 'What do you do?' and the monumental 'Tell me about yourself.'

21:30 / 07.05.03

In order to preserve the essential character of 'dear old, bloody old England' everyone shall be legally obliged to own the following items:

1) Garden gnome. This must qualify under the Garden Gnome Standard Regulations, which specify height, heft, posture and permissible colouring. No gnome must look sad or grumpy unless it does so in a comical fashion. Those who live in apartments not excepted.

2) Ship in bottle. Under the Ship in Bottle statutes this shall be a genuine ship built inside the bottle in the correct fashion and must be certified as such; to which end a special ship in bottle inspectorate will be established, ensuring standards at the ship in bottle factories. Ships in bottles which have had their masts broken by meddling children poking at them with pencils are not acceptable.

3) Non-functional barometer. It is preferred that all barometers should be antique in appearance if not in fact, and ideally they should also have a little man and a little woman who do not come out of their house properly because they are slightly stuck. The barometer should point at 'fair' irrespective of the actual weather conditions. The populace are obliged to observe and act upon the indications of the barometer at all times.

These regulations shall be enforced by a series of spot inspections, announced no more than a week in advance, in which the inspectors shall drive around the neighbourhood in a van with a whirly detector on top. They shall then send out numerous threatening letters to non-compliers, few of whom will ever be prosecuted, but all of whom will be highly annoyed by the process.

The object is to maintain the population in a state of sullen grumpiness which diverts their complaints from the all-powerful regime onto the peculiar pointlessness of these regulations.

21:31 / 07.05.03

nudity will be limited to thirteen minutes per day, per person.
*pft*
Clothing will be limited to thirteen minutes a day.

22:26 / 07.05.03

Unnatural Communications devices of any sort will be limited to transmission in a select area of no more than 10 cubic centimetres per 1000 yard radius.

Each individual’s device will have a different location in each 1000 yd sector from which they will be able to broadcast, which will change at random time intervals, and can be ascertained only by moving around with said device (most likely held high above the individual’s head moving in a rotary fashion) until connection/transmission is achieved.

I of course in my newly found godlike state will be exempt from this law in order to compensate for the fact that I've been party to it for the last 2 years (damn those mobile phones, damn them all!)

23:49 / 07.05.03

[phone bitchery]

its not a t68 is it?

[/phone bitchery]

02:25 / 08.05.03

Misplacing an apostrophe will be punishable by a day in the stock's.

A-ha, and correcting people's spelling errors on a messageboard will be illegl, unless you have the decency to add one of your own.

03:13 / 08.05.03

and you can only be PC if you balance it with a gratuitous insult to a random minority group?

this is getting a bit like the god thread now; so i'll shut up.

carry on.

06:18 / 08.05.03

toksik wrote: those flouting this law, although difficult to catch, will be met with the full force of the law and incarcerated in a lightless and unheated institution where they can be as naked as they please

You know, putting a whole bunch of naked people in a cold, dark place doesn't really sound like punishment...

08:20 / 08.05.03

These are fantastic, well done, chaps! More, please.

Transport

The forward motion of cars to be determined by the roll of a dice - throw a 1 and your car will move forward one metre, throw a six and it will move forward 6 metres etc. You cannot roll again until your car has stopped moving after the previous roll. To prevent accidents on busy dual carriageways and motorways (where two dice may be used), drivers must take turns. Throw a double and go again! Anyone throwing out of turn will be picked up by a giant crane and returned to the start of the road.

08:27 / 08.05.03

Anyone throwing out of turn will be picked up by a giant crane and returned to the start of the road.

Saveloy, that's spectacular.

10:36 / 08.05.03

For environmental reasons, buses and tubes will be powered by the energy of people at the next stop tapping their feet. Pacing up and down aimlessly may be substituted, or hitting the chocolate machine, or tutting/tsking.

10:40 / 08.05.03

All cigarettes to whistle when inhaled on.

Pint glasses with a mandatory dribble notch on the rim; all trousers to fluoresce on contact with beer.

No star here laces

11:08 / 08.05.03

Pedestrian safety bylaw no.267 - Road crossing capacity limits

Only five persons (or ten schoolchildren) are permitted to cross the road at a pelican or zebra crossing at any one time in order to reduce wear and tear on road surface and minimise inconvenience to drivers. Pedestrians should form an orderly queue and await their opportunity to cross. Pedestrians crossing out of turn will be dealt with by lollipop men wielding electrified lollipops.

11:36 / 08.05.03

Literature

All new books will be sold with the last page missing and any books already in existence must have the last page ripped out. New and old last pages must be submitted to the Department of Last Pages, where they will be filed in a random and unsystematic order.

Persons wishing to read the Last Page must apply by post only, to the Department of Last Pages, stating why they wish to read the Last Page in no less than 400 words. On successful application, Betty (the only employee of The Department of Last Pages, who can't see very well, and who only works between 1.15 and 1.25 on the last Wednesday of every month) will attempt to find the correct page and then post it to the applicant.

Last Pages can only be applied for once in any applicant's lifetime, and the Department of Last Pages regrets it cannot provide an alternate Last Page if the Last Page provided by Betty is not the correct one applied for.

11:59 / 08.05.03

Computers

To encourage wakefulness and alertness in offices, web caffs etc: all keyboards to be removed and replaced with voice recognition systems which only respond to shouted commands. Words must be spelled out a letter at a time. If the automatic spelling / grammer check detects a mistake it will wipe the entire document, forcing you to start again from scratch.

Trains

Train carriages to be equipped with sensitive electronic ears and noses which will alert the driver whenever a passenger farts and inform hir of the precise location. The driver must act immediately; ze must stop the train, walk back to the appropriate carriage, place a hazard sign in front of the offending passenger and increase the passage of air through the carriage by rapid opening and closing of the nearest door, until such time as the offending whiff has been dispersed to the satisfaction of the aforementioned electronic noses. The driver may then return to hir cabin and re-start the train. The hazard sign must remain in front of the passenger until they leave the carriage.

12:15 / 08.05.03

Kit Kats must be eaten the proper way. That is: to eat all the chocolate off the sides first. Then split it into two separate bars, then munching at will. Anyone caught eating it any other way will be forced as punishment to do some community services - in this case: going to local schools and instructing the children the correct way to eat them.

No star here laces

12:43 / 08.05.03

Okay, that trains one had me spluttering all over my computer at work.

Can we get Saveloy elected to a local council somewhere?

Less searchable M0rd4nt

16:12 / 08.05.03

All websites MUST include blink tags, pink-and-green colourschemes, and rotating email links (like this, see?)

16:33 / 08.05.03

Wow obese cats, eh, what can I say but "There should be a law stipulating that those with obese pets have the pets in questions fat liposuctioned out and put into their cheeks" so no fat cats or chipmunk cheeks.

15:27 / 28.05.03

This is one I'd actually like to implement, but I'm putting it here instead of in some "Proper Laws That Really Would Improve Things" thread because I know that not one of you tossers would agree:

Only four record releases a week in the entire world (2 singles, 2 LPs) - this will enable everyone to keep in touch with what the hell is going on, confer enormous significance on every record released and foster a sense of shared experience (a sort of "what has the human race come up with this week?" thing) while allowing for healthy tribal rivalries. Who gets to release the records? Bands and artists must buy lottery tickets and the lucky winners have 2 weeks to come up with a single, or 2 months for an album. Live events can continue as normal and illegal creation and distribution of unofficial recordings will be tolerated to an extent - the Royal Secret Police should ensure that there are never more than 20 or 30 unofficial recordings in existence at any one time.

The Knights Templar Boogie Machine

16:21 / 28.05.03

coffee cream biscuits would be filled with shit and all makers of said biscuits would always have to deny such claims making the public confused and suspicious. In the climate of coffee cream chaos i would then remove all 'normal' (no existentialist arguements here) toilet paper and replace with the tracing paper sort they used to have at my school. When their backsides are raw i would then show them pictures of 'real'(again, no existentialist arguements)coffee creams for effect and use the said images to beckon them into small gatherings in the centre of their towns where they would then be imprisoned and photographed for the jackets on coffee cream biscuits...
Yagh,yagh!

Whisky Priestess

16:32 / 28.05.03

The Office Pilfering Act 2003

Hypersensitive burglar alarms, indelible dyes and radar tracking systems to be installed in and around all office stationery from Post-Its to paperclips in order to detect the pettiest of office-based petty theft.

- Pilfering of paper (from a single sheet up to a ream - those who are caught with over a ream are considered to be dealers and will be summarily executed) will be punishable by up to five years in a high-security prison.

- Using office TippEx, staples or sellotape for personal or non-work-related items incurs a fine of up to £1000, six months community service (taking staples out of documents with your fingernails) or two months in prison.

- Franking private mail on the office franking machine has one penalty only - death by firing squad - which may be reduced at the judge's discretion to life imprisonment only if the defendant cites mitigating circumstances, such as s/he not having time to get to the post office, and pays the court 28p.

For a full catalogue of the rules, regulations and sentencing guidleines for Office Pilfering offences, please whistle.

21:19 / 28.05.03

Walking slowly in a retail area to be punishable by compulsory firewalking every day for one month. The exact definition of 'walking slowly' to be determined by specially-trained 'walking police' who will walk around such retail areas, seeing which people walk at a speed that allows them tolerable progress and/or the opportunity to get past. Anyone not walking at an acceptable speed to be apprehended by a team of members of this 'walking squad' repeatedly shouting 'Urgh, Joey! Joey! Urgh, I'm so thick I can't walk faster than a snail! Look, there's a hedgehog overtaking me! Urgh!' in the most sarcastic voices possible, until they stop in embarassment, at which point they will be kicked into submission by members of the walking squad and anyone else who wishes to join in (but only if such joining in would not impede the progress of other walkers in the retail area.

For purposes of this statute, a 'retail area' is defined as any urban or suburban high street, any shopping mall or precinct, and especially Asda fucking Asda in fucking Washington Galleries, Christ on a bicycle why can't you cunts get out of my way, is it fucking giro day for people with their legs manacled together, in the name of Satan I'm a fat overweight bastard and yet - and yet! - I can still bloody overtake you, why don't you hack off your legs and give them to an Afghan landmine victim who could at least make some bloody use of them, you CUNTS!!!!!!!

Ahem. Sorry. Got a little bit carried away there.

15:54 / 26.08.03

Dirty Angles

From 12:00am tomorrow, the angle known as 65 degrees shall become officially MUCKY and OFFENSIVE. Any occurances of such an angle on public display - such as the corner of a building, the intersection of two roads or pathways, the branches on a tree, the angle between forearm and bicep etc - must be destroyed, or removed to a private place, or made decent (eg covered with a doily or pair of briefs) until after the 9pm watershed. Failure to do so on the part of those responsible for said structures will result in stiff penalties.

The following are advised to pay particular attention:

- snooker players
- pilots taking off or coming in to land
- geometry teachers ("stop sniggering at the back!")
- traffic policemen
- clock and watch makers

Owners of clocks and watches: when the hands of a clock or watch threaten to create an angle of 65 degrees they must be covered up for the duration or stopped, to be quickly advanced to a later, more decent time.

Local councils and owners of front gardens - please pay particular attention to snowflakes in the winter time.

Note on DOORS (see first post above) - any manufacturer or fitter of doors receiving royalties from door openings of 65 degrees will be charged with profiting from pornography and taxed accordingly.

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