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To tell, or not to tell?

  
  

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gingerbop
19:45 / 24.04.03
Ok. Tell me what ya reakon, coz i have no fucking clue.
Do I:
a) Tell my parents that im bi, not have to worry about them finding out half the time, and risk being completely disowned (i doubt it, but i think they might be a bit funny about it). And i wouldnt have a clue how 2 tell them.
b) Not tell them, coz i can get away with being straight, for the most part.

Course i'd tell em if i was gopnna take a gf home for christmas dinner or sumthin, but should i anyway? I wasnt gonna, and i hadnt really considered it til recently, but sometimes at family dinners, i get the urge just to let it all out. My brother knows: dunno if that makes a difference. Its not at all a big deal to me, but it might be to them. What do i do?
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
20:11 / 24.04.03
That's a tough one.

I guess it depends on what you value more - peace with your family, or not feeling as though you are hiding part of yourself from them for the wrong reasons. Personally, I think that if you are certain that your parents will react in a severe way which may permanently damage your relationship with them, it may be a better idea to just let them assume you are straight. And not just for you, but for them - if they would let something like that drive them crazy, it might not be worth it for their health.

If you're not currently in a relationship with a person of the same gender, I don't see why it needs to come up at all unless you want to let them know that about you, which is perfectly understandable.
 
 
cusm
20:31 / 24.04.03
Do they really need to know that level of detail of your personal life? I mean, unless your relationsip can affect your family structure (that is, you're planning to shack up with a girl or something) or is likely to cause them social embarassment (by bringing your girlie to Christmas dinner, for example), does this really need to be expressed? I can certainly understand your wanting to shout it from the rooftops as it is an important detail to who you are, but I think sometimes things like this are simply a level of personal detail best avoided.

Personal example being, I've told my mum that I'm bi, because my mum and I share an unhealthily talkative relationship when it comes to sex. I know more about her sex life than is decent by any standards, and that tends to go both ways. But I haven't discussed it with my dad, because it doesn't matter, he'd flip out, and he really isn't interested in what I do with my penis. So, while there is a detail of who I am that I am not sharing with him, I don't really mind it. There is lots in my life than I don't share with my parents, because its MY life and none of their damn business. All the more so the older I get, as well.
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
20:56 / 24.04.03
I came out to my parents with no reason but I was 99% sure they'd be cool with it. In the case of my Dad, we were talking about how things had been for me at uni and I worked it in to the conversation, with my Mum I can't remember what we were talking about but again I steered the conversation in that direction. I remember some guide that Simon Fanshawe wrote for gay teens about how the best way to come out wasn't to sit at the dinner table and declaim loudly "could you please pass the salt... to a homosexual." I think that's good advice whatever your stripe.

If you decide you don't want to keep it to yourself then just be aware of the way things are going, and look for an opening. Whether you want to tell them one at a time or together is up to you. But you might want to get the addresses and details of support groups for parents of lesbigays first, just in case they need support.

Just remember, though they may be supportive the actual point you tell them it might be a shock, so when you do tell them your initial priority should be to do what you can to lessen it. Unless they go "oh we guessed it was going to be something like that!" in which case you're allowed to stamp and be annoyed that you worked yourself up for nothing.
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
20:59 / 24.04.03
honestly this is something i have no experience with. My mother came out to me when i was 16.

I would tend to agree with the people who posted earlier, if it doesnt really have any effect on your family then i dont see any reason to come out. Now if it were say, your parents aniversary, and you showed up with a girl who was more than a friend, well, then the issue would need to be looked at.

so yeah, unless its eating at you keeping it a secret, i wouldnt worry about it until it becomes pertinent...
 
 
Mourne Kransky
21:15 / 24.04.03
For selfish reasons, I'd probably want to get settled into my new life in a new town with new friends around me before I took a risk on disrupting the major relationships in my life. Of course, it depends on how well or not you think this announcement would be received.

I chose to come out to my family, one at a time, and after a point there's nobody left to tell. I think, all things considered, it went as well as it was going to but I still found I needed to put some space between me and them while they processed it. So I got on with exploring my new life and waited for them to do the running, which worked out well. How they were or were not handling the news was their business and their responsibility. Since it wasn't going to change, I wanted to make my own decisions about my personal life, uninfluenced by their commentary on it.

So many years later, in a more enlightened and aware age, the going might be smoother but I think parent-child relationships are on a knife edge when you're spreading your wings and fleeing the coop for the first time. I'd wait a bit but I wouldn't wait too long. I don't like lying to people as a general rule and when you hit the big city, you might find you end up telling as lot of lies (even by omission) if you're having any fun at all.

As I write this, I realise that it seemed incredibly important to come out to my family as soon as I could and yet, to this day, I've never had a frank drug talk with them and still tell them lies about my finances. Oh well, as my Dad said at the time, You make your bed and you lie in it.
 
 
gingerbop
21:22 / 24.04.03
"I guess it depends on what you value more - peace with your family, or not feeling as though you are hiding part of yourself from them for the wrong reasons"
Well id say theyre about equal.. usually they go together, coz with most things im pretty open with my mum.
As for pass the salt..to a homosexual... I LOVE IT!
A friend has just suggested: "but mum i dont like Coronation Street and i want to watch the other channel and im not straight and when is dinner ready?"
 
 
pointless and uncalled for
15:12 / 25.04.03
Not really the sort of problem that I have to face and I can't think that there's anything like it but.....

tell them. I think that if it all goes pear shaped then in inter-relationship politics will be more balanced in your favour which means that there's a far easier task of bringing it back.
 
 
specofdust
16:34 / 25.04.03
I'm sure enough that I'm bi, but I havn't told my parents. Basicly I've not done it because I've never felt an need to and I'm not wanting to take a boyfriend home or anything so they don't need to know. Having to hide parts of yourself from your family can be horrible though and I do understand that. I think it basicly comes down to how much you feel it effects your relationship with them if they don't know. I would try to find out their general feelings on the subject and if either is against it strongly enough don't bother as I think most of the time people who are strongly against it don't want to change their minds. But if they are both allright with it then go for it. I think that if I felt I wanted to take someone home to meet my parents I would tell my family as I don't really see the point of having peace with my family if they don't know the person I am. Hope that helps.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
17:45 / 25.04.03
I lie to my parents quite a lot but they're probably easier going and less discriminatory than most of my friends. They worry about things that are often insignificant and my mum particularly gets nervous about the little details of her kid's lives. Basically that means that they don't know I'm bi (though my brother's known for four years). Likewise they don't know that I take Class A's sometimes, they have no moral objection to drugs but I know they're scared of some of the stuff I've taken. If you were a lesbian I'd say tell them but I think that a lot of people find bisexuality difficult to get their heads round so I shouldn't bother unless it's necessary- if you're asking it probably isn't the right time anyway but bear in mind that the younger you get it out the easier it will be.
 
 
gingerbop
18:02 / 25.04.03
Lol do we have any straight people in here, bar Potus? Ooh the drugs thing is much less of a dilemma- simple answer is i'll never tell them that. That wouldnt be a "they might disown me" thing, that would be "out the house, and i'll call everyones parents you've ever met and tell them to stay the fuck away from you" (coz my dads a dr). xx
 
 
Tryphena Absent
18:23 / 25.04.03
Didn't someone used to call barbelith the Gay Nazi Board??
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
18:34 / 25.04.03
Im SURE many people called in that anna
but yeah, im straight, i have never felt any attraction towards a man, we are an ugly gender
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
18:49 / 25.04.03
but a good hatstand.
 
 
gingerbop
21:09 / 29.04.03
how insightful of u, flowers. I shall use them only for their proper use in future.

Heh the other nite, id just come out a bar and was walking along the road holdin hands with a girl,D, i had met. This guys standing outside a different pub shouts "FUCKING LESBOS!" D turns around, and says calmly "Guys like you pay for videos of girls like us."
Class.
 
 
The Falcon
03:02 / 30.04.03
Flowers...

Best post. In quite some time.

My sister came out to my folks in a rather juvenile fashion; my mum just lives in vague denial, which I attempt to dissuade her from. That's 'cos she's never brought a g/f home, I guess.

I think if you're having a relationship with someone of the same sex, it's quite likely (for feelings of legitimacy, possibly) it'll become fairly imperative to tell them. If there's a distinct possibility you're likely to become involved in such a thing, I'd suggest then as a good opportunity.

If they're fairly attentive, they may have sussed your sexuality anyway.
 
 
The Falcon
03:06 / 30.04.03
Both posts actually very good. But I was referring to the 'salt' bit.
 
 
Char Aina
03:37 / 30.04.03
this may sound wierd, but how bi are you?

i am fairly bi, but my overriding 'programming' is straight. to my mum and my dad, (in my head at least) this may as well be the same as being straight but getting drunk and not knowing who's who in the dark occasionally.

if i was gay, i would have to admit it, but probably when i was a little older than you are now.

if i was more inclined to have relationships with the same gender, then i would tell.

bisexuality is more of an intellectual concern for me, albeit one that allows me to be comfortable with having more kinds of sex, and i rarely share such Deep, Dark secrets with my mum.
 
 
waxy dan
08:45 / 30.04.03
toksik

but my overriding 'programming'
Interesting choice of words. I'm not trying to catch you out, but do you think that sexuality is a direct result of programming (societal, I'd assume)?

.. and flowers, I'd debate our usefulness even as a hatstand. It's not like you could leave it hanging there all night. What with a breezy hallway, your hat'd be on the dusty ground in five minutes.
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
09:10 / 30.04.03
Aaah, but that's why God gave us Viagra.

It's interesting that a couple of people in this thread have said things along the lines of "if you are gay you should come out right now, if you're bi then you don't need to." I'm interested in why this should be. Is it not political to be bisexual, or is it the assumption that if you're gay, you might as well give up all hope of the quiet life with the parents right away?
 
 
waxy dan
09:42 / 30.04.03
I'd imagine it's a bit of both. Many people who are bi don't pursue same-gender relationships, just sexual encounters, so no reason to tell mammy and pappy (I'm aware this often isn't the case, this is just from my experience).

Also... and this is where I'm threading on thin ice... bi is 'in' and therefore more acceptable.
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
09:54 / 30.04.03
And, out of a spirit of genuine enquiry, where is 'bi' in? I've only seen it in when it's two gorgeous girls making out, less 'bisexual chic' more 'lesbianism for the lads'.
 
 
waxy dan
10:04 / 30.04.03
It seems to be 'in' in fashion and popular media. Which in turn makes it 'in' on the 'high street' (jeez, that's a lot've apostrophes).

"bisexual chic" is all the rage right now. Ridiculous though that may seem. FHM even do a "send us in your photos of girls making out and we'll give you a tenner" column.

Like drugs, S&M fashion (as oppose to practice), pornography, and '80's TV adventure shows, it's 'in'.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
10:45 / 30.04.03
Examples? Outside of the context of men's magazines, which are essentially soft porn and therefore don't really champion or even fetishize bisexuality, even among women, since they tend to eroticise a reassuring and largely asexual (for the participants) one-off - "just for a laugh, after a few drinks" - rather than bisexuality itself and the threatening, confusing consequences it may have for male heterosexuality?

I'm very suspicious of the idea that bisexuality is "in" - it seems that bisexuality seems to get beaten with the sticks that certain very vaguely liberal types don't feel they can beat homosexuality with, but feel the need to express somehow because it's all too disquieting. Hence, the "they're only doing it to be trendy" argument, which is all too familiar...
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
11:07 / 30.04.03
waxy dan "bisexual chic" is all the rage right now. Ridiculous though that may seem. FHM even do a "send us in your photos of girls making out and we'll give you a tenner" column.

So that's somehow 'bisexual chic' as opposed to 'lesbian chic' is it? I know I know, how can you take photos of bisexual sex...
 
 
that
11:11 / 30.04.03
Right now I'm in a position where I'm not sure what to call myself. I was 100% convinced of my dykehood...but really amn't now. Basically, I think in some ways its easier to tell your parents that you're gay - because it's more final, not the grey area that many people consider bisexuality to be. And often, if you aren't in a relationship with someone of the same gender, people tend to just think - why bother stirring things up if you don't have to? It's a question of an easy life. But underlying all that, I think it's because being bi isn't seen as being as intrinsic to one's selfhood as being gay is...
 
 
that
11:16 / 30.04.03
I also think that in the public mind, bisexuals end up being defined in relation to who they're with...gender-wise.
 
 
pointless and uncalled for
12:07 / 30.04.03
Is this a problem though?
 
 
waxy dan
12:09 / 30.04.03
Examples?
Of porn being in? - Playboy's a very popular fashion label.
Of 'bi' being in? Half the videos on MTV, Geri Halliwell and others jumping up and down about the girls they fancy. It's in fashion (great... now I have Bauhaus stuck in my head... arse). I think 'sex' is more fashionable now than it has been in a long time. I also think that being 'alternative' is also a focus of many constructed identities (S&M fashion in Top Shop), so the two are bound to cross over.

What I'm curious about is why bi-girls are all the rage, when bi-boys are still held at a distance in popular media. No matter how much the androgynous look comes in and out of fashion.

...

So that's somehow 'bisexual chic' as opposed to 'lesbian chic' is it?
Considering they concentrate on girlfriends of male readers, I'd say yes. Lesbian chic has been a thing for years, I think that's starting to change/mutate now. Most men's magzines (be they soft porn, or 'men's interest' like FHM, Maxim, etc.) don't push the lesbian angle - it would make the subject more unattainable.
This is very much a male slant on popular culture, I realise. But I don't think culture is easily divided by gender. If something begins to crop up on one 'side', it's going to influence the other.

I know I know, how can you take photos of bisexual sex...
I wouldn't be that pedantic to try to debate on those grounds :-)


Hence, the "they're only doing it to be trendy" argument, which is all too familiar...
That's not an arguement I'm getting into. I don't know anyone here well enough to make that presumption. I also don't think that there are many people who'd enter into an uncomfortable sexual situation just to be trendy. What I originally stated had nothing to do with people's actual sexuality, but rather the perception of said in the eyes of others.


I also think that in the public mind, bisexuals end up being defined in relation to who they're with...gender-wise.
Definitly.


But underlying all that, I think it's because being bi isn't seen as being as intrinsic to one's selfhood as being gay is...
I think it is, it's just more subtle. My sexual identity is one of the core components of my being, whatever it's nature.. oh wait, you said "seen as being".. no, I suppose it isn't. You're right.



And gingerbop, if I'm dragging your thread completely off-topic, feel free to tell me to quit it! ;-)
 
 
Tryphena Absent
12:12 / 30.04.03
People are scared of change and ambiguity because they tend to like it a little too much- let's not even go in to what that means for bisexuals.

being bi isn't seen as being as intrinsic to one's selfhood as being gay is...

I totally agree with Cholister here, bisexuality is seen as this surplus sexuality where you flitter and float and there's this odd misunderstanding that underlies everyone else's perception of it. The fact that people will jokingly call me greedy but then turn round in an argument and use it seriously is just nasty. It's an odd thing to admit to yourself, that you're somewhere between the structure, never mind to everyone else who's in a different place entirely. Don't get me wrong- I like being bi, I just wouldn't wish it on anyone else at this moment in time because I think it's quite confusing and just a little unacceptable to a world striving for binary opposites.
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
12:15 / 30.04.03
Sounds like a call for the reformation of the Barbelith Elite Greedy Fence-Sitting Scum... where's my super-sonic whistle?
 
 
waxy dan
12:16 / 30.04.03
a world striving for binary opposites
You reckon? Why?
 
 
pointless and uncalled for
12:16 / 30.04.03
I think that the term itself doesn't help all that much. After all, does it really say what it is that you're attracted to. I know that could be potentially damning to monosexuals but it isn't meant that way.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
12:23 / 30.04.03
Erm... did we have a thread listing oppositions? Anyway-

Male female
Good Evil
Dark Light
Natural Synthetic
Old Young
Black White
Feminist Chauvinist
 
 
waxy dan
12:26 / 30.04.03
Dim, teenage, ambivalent, dichotomy...

You think current culture's going the same way?
 
  

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