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[Don't read this, it's quite a boring outpouring, a diary of lost potential, a spell to rid myself of self-pity.]
yeah. I could do without that question hanging on my head. I don't really want people to read this, but self-loathing yeah? I been there. But somehow my problems don't seem big enough to really describe. Just rejection and powerlessness and more rejection and more powerlessness (get a kick in the teeth for every mile I go...). I just want to write it down. I miss my (ex) boy. I didn't really know him but I really liked him. I'm not heartbroken, just beaten down and wondering as so many of us are: when will I find someone who can love me and stay with me? I'm sick of being the transitional person with whom people can sort out their shit and then move on, feeling good about themselves and leave me with all the crap they shed. Plus I'm trying to do my finals for my BA so I really needed just one thing in my life to be steady and fun. And as far as I knew it was but his velocity was at a different pace to mine. He wanted fireworks and I, having been burnt horribly during the last show, wanted peace and a steady hand on the small of my back. The thing is, the weeks we had together were so wonderful, I can't describe the simple pleasure of it, uncomplicated as it was by too-fierce emotion. I don't see why he threw away all that fun we were having but I comfort myself with the fact that at least we had fun. And we will be friends and maybe we'll be better off that way but right now the pleasure of being held, looking at him, making dinner with him, laughing with him, touching him, fuck, touching him, is too fresh and it acid burns longing into that very tight spot in my chest where my heart chakra seems to have shrivelled. And I did wallow in self pity yesterday and still do, because to me the most important thing in life is to love. And I realise that I still love in so many ways but no-one can deny that it's a different buzz when there's two of you moving in time. But I can't help wondering if this is my lot in life, some karma ripening and rotting. Karma ain't punishing but some days it really feels like it. Got sick yesterday morning and spent the whole day in bed with the knowledge that I should be studying pinching at my brain. I'm really sorry but I needed to write this and get rid of it and I truly apolgise to anyone that misguidely reads this: it's just me writing my own story of self pity and throwing it away - I don't want it and so delete this post if you like, or leave it, I won't be back for it. I'm clawing for air with it, clawing to make a new me, one that doesn't let boys like that beautiful, talented, smart boy that just gave me 5 weeks of happiness and tenderness and mindblowing love-making fuck me over so easily. It wasn't love but it could have been with time but he's moving faster out of my orbit and not in my time-zone. And I understand. That's the killer, I always understand. I wish things could be different but they're not and so I have to roll with the punches yet again and spill my guts to strangers because strangely it helps. Call this a banishing. I am thankful for the time you spent with me and now I will try my best to let it goxxxx
"when no-one is around love will always love you" |
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asses out pixie sticks::