Last night I saw the film 'Go Fish' for the first time. The one bit that really resonated with me was where the main character, Max, is talking about basically not looking enough like a dyke - the knowledge that she is not waiting for a man, but not being able to shake the sensation that there is a man waiting for her. I feel kind of the same. Once upon a time, I was very androgynous, short hair, v. thin. The casual glance made it hard to determine my gender, and my ex (male) first thought I was a boy, then thought I was definitely a lesbian - and we were once taken for a gay male couple by a couple of kids who shouted insults at us briefly. I also had a group of girls take the piss out of me for my 'masculine' appearance. Then, somehow, magically and without thinking about it, I got more and more femme, I guess, and woke up one morning and thought, fuck, how did I get here? I am not necessarily comfortable with it, but can't be arsed to do much about it. Generally, people who are inclined to assume first, would assume that I was straight. I am quietly out, I guess - but feel like I should be *more* out... this is all weirdly tied into my recentish trip to the tattooists, that precipitated a bit of a freak-out. He took me for the conventional type because of the way I was dressed, and treated me like a very dim labrador, not worthy to tread the boards of the counterculture - and people automatically assume I'm straight. And I'm not either, and it pisses me off. But I am not really getting anywhere with this, except to say that the issue of visibility is fraught at present. My identity is not expressed through some specific mode of dress, but sometimes I feel like I should make more of an effort to be visibly queer... Yesterday, for my presentation, I looked far more 'like a dyke' than I usually do...and I liked it. I would've been curious to see if the reaction would have been better if I had gone in a sort of netty top that might've indicated an interest in the media-friendly fluffy-handcuffs variety of SM for instance...instead of marked me out as a gen-u-ine sexual deviant, fa la la la la. Not that I care, but purely as an experiment, it would have been interesting to compare...
And, to me, 'partner' and 'boyfriend' mean different things. I called my male ex my partner, not because it was gender-indeterminate, but because of the level of commitment we had. However, I *say* girlfriend and mean (internally) partner, because I don't believe in playing the pronoun game unless it is physically dangerous not to. For me it is important to acknowledge that I am not ashamed of being not straight. That sort of visibility and honesty is important, to me. |
And I don't 'consciously avoid sending gay signals' . This is just the way I am and I find it offensive the way 'straight-acting' is used as a derogatory term in some circles. As though you have to be effeminate to be gay. Complete bollocks and pretty narrow minded IMO. Infact I dislike the term itself. Straight-acting. As though I'm not being myself. Pfff. I do think, and have been told, that I dance in a fairly 'gay' way though 
and to see if you woud have specified or if you would've chickened out.