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Absurd Sayings, Metaphors etc

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Saveloy

10:42 / 11.03.03

An idea knicked from here (and probably ages old anyway): give us some phrases, sayings, aphorisms, metaphors or similes that sound like they ought to mean something but don't actually make any sense at all.

eg:

"He's as thick as a butcher's window".

You get 100 billion points for each one, and 200 billion points for a successful challenge (ie explanation) of someone else's.

I'd award a prize for the highest score, but I don't want to be accused of sitting on my own cushion.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

10:47 / 11.03.03

As rich as a hat with a badge.

Hattie's Kitchen

11:18 / 11.03.03

"As happy as a dog with two dicks."

Shrug

11:28 / 11.03.03

If someone does something which is generally upsetting I've heard it said that "there'll be wigs on the green"

Saveloy

11:33 / 11.03.03

Ooh, I didn't explain this very well in my initial post but this is an invitation to make phrases up as much as it is to quote existing sayings. But both are welcome.

Shrug

11:39 / 11.03.03

"Thick as a butcher's Window"

*half arsed explanation*

You see butcher's windows are specially engineered to be very thick to both protect from the leaning of customers (as they salivate over the meaty goodness that lies,just at the other side) and various bits of meat,gristle and bone popping of as the carcass' are chopped up (hitting the window at a more concentrated point)

Kit-Cat Club

11:47 / 11.03.03

'As skint as a duck's arse'

Smoothly

11:58 / 11.03.03

A meteoric rise

That one's always puzzled me.

Saveloy

11:59 / 11.03.03

Hmm, good explanation there, MatterArising. I hereby withdraw my original phrase and replace it with:

"Thick as a butcher's widow"

(I can think of an explanation for that one too, but I'll let someone else get it).

"She picked up the hammer and advanced towards me. Man, she was angrier than a squirrel in a barber's shop!"

Tezcatlipoca

12:14 / 11.03.03

There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.

So..um..what kind of questions do stupid people ask?

William Sack

12:31 / 11.03.03

As rich as a hat with a badge.

In some places like Thailand, Ghana and the north-west of England the police have a reputation for being amenable to bribes. The uniform, or rather the uniformed headgear, of the police in these places is synonymous with wealth. Hence the phrase.

captain piss

12:39 / 11.03.03

Some friends I used to have in Glasgow would say "I'll be in there like a dug (or dog, rather) eatin' beetroot" to mean "I'll be taking up this new activity with enthusiasm", but I never quite got the reference

Potguns

14:36 / 11.03.03

Doesn't as skint as a ducks arse come frome some bastardisaton of as tight as a ducks arse meaning if the ducky's bottom wasn't tight it would let water in??

01:36 / 12.03.03

I like when Americans say "I could care less", or "I could give a shit", instead of "I couldn't care less", or I couldn't give a shit", thereby saying the exact opposite of what they mean.

Bill Posters

01:48 / 12.03.03

I take that as further proof (were it needed) that all Americans are quite perfectly stupid.

The Return Of Rothkoid

01:49 / 12.03.03

Couldn't shit in the ocean! to indicate an inability to perform a task. Thanks, Dad.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

02:51 / 12.03.03

Not strictly made up, this one (well, not at all)- a guy I used to work with bequeathed me the phrase all over the place, like a madwoman's shit.

Cavatina

07:46 / 12.03.03

Ugh. Maominstoat, you've brought to mind images of 18th C Bedlam - it's all too likely the saying does register a reality.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:33 / 12.03.03

Well, you know, I'm like a budgie with a tennis racket - really fucking handy!

Smoothly

08:50 / 12.03.03

Count Adam - we say similarly stupid things. Like when you do something regrettable or careless, like setting fire to your trousers, and someone says "That'll teach you to play with matches!".
What they mean is "That'll teach you not to play with matches". I would hope.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:52 / 12.03.03

I dunno... surely setting light to one's trousers is an indication that one has actually got matches working properly?

Anyway, Bucks Fizz pissed me off for many reasons, but one was the line "try to look as if you don't care less" in "Making Your Mind Up", and they were English. Oh the shame.

Whisky Priestess

15:44 / 12.03.03

'As skint as a duck's arse'

Explanation: "skint" (penniless) is a bastardisation or contraction of "skinned", meaning rubbed and/or stripped of anything, like the arse of a duck which has just dragged itself out of the water.

I thankew.

Vadrice

17:30 / 12.03.03

free as a jackson baby in space

still my personal favourite.

diz

17:37 / 12.03.03

when asking the time, i have occasionally gotten the anatomically questionable response:

"half past a cow's ass, a quarter to his balls."

lolita nation

20:36 / 12.03.03

Safe as milk

English people - where does this come from?

lolita nation

20:38 / 12.03.03

Also, Count Adam, the "I could care less" is just a sarcastic phrase that the sarcasm has bled out of & it doesn't need special intonation - what we call in linguistics discourse markers - to make it ironic anymore.

Brigade du jour

21:39 / 12.03.03

"Quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite."

Ah, remember when Red Dwarf was funny?

Brigade du jour

21:40 / 12.03.03

"Longer than a distended intestine."

Distasteful but scientifically consistent.

rizla mission

14:22 / 13.03.03

Safe as milk

English people - where does this come from?

Did that phrase exist before the Captain Beefheart album of that name..?

illmatic

14:36 / 13.03.03

Well, I'm not making this one but I've occasionally wondered what exactly the phrase "fit as a butcher's dog" (to describe an attractive young lady) might have it's origins.

On that note, my dad often used to say "I'm going to see a man about a dog"* whenever me and my sister asked him where he was going. Being about 7 when this started, I was always a bit upset when he didn't come home with puppies.

*It's a reference to greyhound racing, fact fans. I realised that last year.

that

14:43 / 13.03.03

I think 'That'll teach you...' is just like saying 'As you have just learned, this is what happens if...' rather than like the 'I could...' sayings.

What the fuck does 'it gets on my wick' come from? My dad says it all the time. Candles? As in it gets on my wick and stops my candle burning correctly? I guess that might be it.

Smoothly

14:45 / 13.03.03

I've heard 'fit as a butcher's dog' used in the traditional sense of fit - as in as healthy as a well fed hound, but never applied to attractive women. But maybe it's a regional thing. And I'm not even sure how or when 'fit' got to mean attractive anyway. It's a relatively recent thing, no?

grant

14:47 / 13.03.03

She's built like a brick battleship. (this one is not made up, but should be.)

"She's red as papers" might be a good one for a "scarlet woman" type. Not that I'm one to fish in brackish water, mind.

Well, a plumber's uncle knows some pipes, as my dad always said, years ago, back when pumpkins grew.

But, you know, phantom fingers till no fields.

Eloi Tsabaoth

14:56 / 13.03.03

"He's as simple as a one-piece jigsaw puzzle."
As my Uncle Ted used to say before 'the incident'.

pointless and uncalled for

15:00 / 13.03.03

..........until the cows come home

I mean seriously, what the hell is with this one? Anyone would think that the utterer was raised in a barn.

Jokes aside, if someone can explain this one and how a bovine being can get a mortgage then you may well end many years of anguish.

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