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Radio Free Barbelith 1

  
  

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telyn
23:02 / 06.02.03
05:00 - 05:30 GMT
Who am I talking to tonight? (Sunday mornings only)

Where harmony goes on an exploration of many different bars/night clubs, with an aim to find complete strangers to talk to on air. Some weeks conversation may be inaudible as the club music is too loud, others the place in town may have already been ditched in favour of a cafe, perhaps even a in a taxi ride home. Occasionally the guest speakers may feel the need to sing: listeners are advised to have earplugs at the ready.
 
 
The Strobe
23:11 / 06.02.03
6:00-6:45 GMT
Paleface: 2000 Words Per Minute
Your genial host Paleface kicks out the fucking preserves and basically talks, like, non-stop for three-whole-quarters-of-an-hour over an ambient backing track with noodly piano solos being performed live, and talks faster than humanly possible about films an music and books an like everything. Late Review for the come-down set. Tom Paulin impressions, occasional to moderate.
 
 
Sax
06:19 / 07.02.03
23:24-23:30 GMT
Git On Up Like A Sax Machine - The Flirting Hour

Phone in show in which Barbeloids get to go on air in a special voice-distorting "ficsuit" and horrendously flirt with other posters, egged on and encouraged with salacious comments by affable host Sax, with comedy interruptions by his sound-effect St Bernard dog "Tann", who barks loudly in a strange woof that sounds like "het flirt" (in the manner of that dog off That's Life which sound like it was saying "sausages" when you constricted its throat) every time someone gets a bit out of control with someone of the opposite sex.

Will anyone "get it together" off air? Will Sax have to buy a hat? Tune in to find out.

Parental guidance advisory.
 
 
doglikesparky
08:07 / 07.02.03
6.55 - 7.00 GMT
Sparky's Phone-In Confusion

1 listener is invited to phone in and talk with doglikesparky for 5 minutes on any subject. Sparky will not understand at all what is being said to him and will spend the entire time seeking clarification and eventually cutting the caller off dejectedly for making him feel stupid.
 
 
Strange Machine Vs The Virus with Shoes
09:32 / 07.02.03
Ok Persephone I'll take the 11.00-12.00 slot.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
10:40 / 07.02.03
At twenty three minutes past every hour, for exactly 42 seconds, a subliminal sound wave will be broadcast that will implant the following hypnotic suggestions:

1. Every dog in the land will hear: Cats are your friends, You will love and obey the feline species, and You will never take a dump where pedestrians might step in it.

2. Every male between the ages of twenty and forty will hear: You will only find peace and contentment through being Xoc's sex slave (and Xoc is an incredible shag btw, you are really missing out at the moment).

3. Everyone will hear: [insert name here]* is the antichrist. You must not listen to what they say or the music they perform, or read what they write, or buy anything they advertise.

*The list is neverending but begins with Gary Rhodes, Eminem and Jeremy Clarkson.
 
 
Ganesh
10:55 / 07.02.03
02:00-03:00 GMT
Gay In A Good Way, hosted by the Pink Shrink

Gender minorities counselling hour. Lost? Lonely? Lezzer? The good Dr G. is always there for you: he'll listen without judgement to your tales of life, love and lycra, dispensing sympathetic noises and encouraging comments, in his comfortingly Scottish burr, for exactly ten minutes.

And then he'll sound a klaxon and scream STOP! WHINING! AND! ADAPT!

And cut you off.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
11:14 / 07.02.03
(I love this thread)
 
 
deja_vroom
11:16 / 07.02.03
7:00-8:00GMT

The Barbelithp Show with The Jade Emperor

Each Wednesday, a different person with lisp problems will be interviewed. Canned laughter follows each phrase they speak, and I won't be paying attention anyway. Selected listeners get a punchcard with random words printed on it. Each time the guest speaks a word that's listed on the card, the listener checks it. On completion of the punchcard, the listener might feel free to taste the fresh flavor of accomplishment for, oh, about 3 seconds, and that's it. Once in a while Haus storms into the studio to mock and taunt the guest, daring him to say words like "anthropoyesis" or "solipsism". The show usually ends with the guest reduced to a sobbing mess, asking for mercy, and I, poking his/her arm with a pencil and asking "Does this hurt? And now? And now?"
 
 
Sax
11:25 / 07.02.03
9:00-10:00 GMT

WAKE UP, GET UP, AND FUCK SHIT UP

Controversial breakfast "zoo" show hosted by innercircle and featuring his posse, who are in fact a number of other Barbelithians who aren't really on the show. Innercircle puts on pretend voices and makes believe that his studio is full of fawning friends, when in reality he is sitting alone, occasionally masturbating into a handful of man-sized tissues while looking at photographs of large groups of people evidently enjoying each other's company which he has clipped from magazines and printed from the Internet. Then he pulls himself together, pushes away the vague feelings of self-disgust, and reads out huge extracts from political magazines, books and websites, passing the ideas off as his own and engaging himself in debate with his imaginary friends.

Licence pending.
 
 
illmatic
11:25 / 07.02.03
9.30- 11.00pm
Mr Illmatic's Armchair Magus show, live from the pub

Join Illmatic live from a pub, anywhere, as he attempts to show off how much he knows about magick and esoterica, aided by various celebrites from the world of occultism and the Magick Forum. Claims and one-upmanship will start off small (even subliminally) but will build up swiftly, climaxing with arguements about who crossed the Abyss first, why my inner-plane contacts are better than yours and whether Aleister Crowley walked my great-uncles greyhound or not, at chucking out time.
 
 
Persephone
11:39 / 07.02.03
Dear Dr. Pink Shrink, Jade Emperor, and Armchair Magus,

Please be advised that the timeslots you have selected are already filled by 'Street level' with Byron Bitchlaces, "Cartoons and Cereal with Mazarine Blue," and "Box yr. Mind With The Absolute Sounds of Rizla's Freakout!"

Timeslots still available are:

9:00-10:00 GMT
10:00-11:00 GMT
17:02-18:00 GMT

Thank you,
The Management
 
 
Ganesh
11:46 / 07.02.03
Hmmm. I'll introduce some bouncy mid-morning TV Doctor elements and go for the 10:00-11:00 slot then, please.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
11:47 / 07.02.03
Gives me a whole new perception of Persephone now: imagining her, besuited, saying "We are .... The Management." Mmmm, very domme!
 
 
Bear
11:52 / 07.02.03
When I become a millionare I'm taking everyone to studio and this is going to be made into a boxset
 
 
Persephone
11:58 / 07.02.03
LOL, that's my Lucy Van Pelt side showing...

Here's a link to the program guide for this page.
 
 
Sax
12:05 / 07.02.03
Oi, innercircle bagged the 9am slot with his breakfast show.
 
 
Persephone
12:22 / 07.02.03
*sternly*

License pending.

Besides, you can't sign other people up for shows! How do you know that innercircle isn't sick of the revolution and wouldn't rather do a nice show about gardening or cooking?
 
 
Sax
12:32 / 07.02.03
He could change his name to knittingcircle.

MANIFESTO FOR COMFORTABLE CLOTHING

It's a known fact that two thirds of the world's knitwear is worn by only four per cent of the population. Is this fair? It is inevitable that some of this knitwear is inevitably going to fall into the hands of the great unwashed. What is the solution? Low-quality man-made fabrics for the untermenschen? A complete global share-out of all cuddly cardigans? Or perhaps a huge world-wide knitting lesson, with instructions to knit-one purl-one translated into every single language on the face of the planet and tattooed on the heads of pigeons, released simultaneously into the air in all time zones.

knittingcircle.
 
 
Saveloy
12:38 / 07.02.03
17:02-18:00 GMT
"No You Can't Have Jelly Sweets!"

Harrowing kitchen-sink drama, performed in real time in an actual kitchen. A middle-aged office worker is bombarded every night with simple but unreasonable requests by a Devil in the form of a miniature man with a high pitched voice. Who will crack first?

Episode 9: "We Haven't Got Any Cake!"
 
 
Whisky Priestess
12:47 / 07.02.03
Episode 10:
Because Tartrazine Makes You Manic!

Episode 11:
But You Had One Twenty Minutes Ago!

Episode 12: (BAFTA nominated)
No, Not Even If It Is For Your Invisible Friend!
 
 
deja_vroom
12:55 / 07.02.03
Persephone, could you arrange a nice timeslot for my Barbelithp show? Any time is a good time...
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
12:55 / 07.02.03
t. Once in a while Haus storms into the studio to mock and taunt the guest, daring him to say words like "anthropoyesis" or "solipsism".

Hey! I object to that.

Aposiopesis. Now *there's* a word.
 
 
Saveloy
13:02 / 07.02.03
Final Episode:
"Bloody... Look, Look, Here You Are, Then! Make Yourself SICK."
 
 
Persephone
13:25 / 07.02.03
Okay, I'll put the Barbelithp show on at 9:00 A.M., but it can only be a half-hour. Armchair Magus will get 9:30-10:00 --but A.M., not P.M. as requested --sorry, I know that P.M. was kind of important for your "live from the pub" concept...

...and that's it! The schedule is filled! Yay us!

(I'm at work now, so I can't update the program guide until I'm home again.)
 
 
illmatic
13:36 / 07.02.03
Actually, let's do "live from the pub" am - if we do it in the morning it could lead to even more "interesting" conversations especially if we've been up all night. Could have all sorts of penetrating cosmic insights if we're lucky - whether they will be shared by those driving to work is another matter.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
13:39 / 07.02.03
Next step, take over a radio station like in Airheads.
If we build it, they will listen ...
 
 
Mourne Kransky
14:55 / 07.02.03
Minor scheduling change requested, Persephone Ma’am, please…

(since the Chairman beat me fair and square to the Fishing Forecast and has first dibs on the huskily hypnotic Charlotte Green and, these days, the forecast will always be “ain’t no fish there, boys” anyway)

12.58–01.00 GMT
Thought for the Night
The barbeshadow of Thought for the Day, featuring the wisest and funniest words from the ‘Lith to send you theory-bitching and tittering into the night, filling your dreams with huggles and hermeneutics.
First up will be Haus’ definition of a Scottish threesome.
 
 
Persephone
20:41 / 07.02.03
Oh hello, I don't wish to overstay my welcome with this jeu... but I was finishing up the program guide, and I noticed that I actually still have two unscheduled half-hour timeslots* because harmony's "Who am I talking to tonight" is only on Sunday mornings and the Barbelithp show is only on Wednesdays!

*5:00-5:30 GMT, Monday-Saturday, and 9:00-9:30 GMT, Sunday-Tuesday and Thursday-Saturday
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
22:12 / 07.02.03
5-5.30

Perfect.

5.00-5.300 Animaninsomniacs, with your host, Bengali in Platforms, aka Gentle Ben.

Bengali, already a fixture on the DLS hour, despite repeated attempts to eject hir from the studio, is back. This time, with half an hour of heartwarming animal stories told in a exhausted monotone. Interspersed with a hacking cough and some heavy-handed insomniacal flirting.

Miaaaaooow, pussycats
 
 
Captain Zoom
00:25 / 08.02.03
9:00 - 9:30 GMT Thursday - Tuesday

Captain Zoom's Hour in a Half Hour

By flinging himself around the world at the speed of light, Zoom brings you a full hour's worth of programming in just one half hour. Listen to his (seemingly) endless diatribes about why role-playing games are valid literary works and watch him scuttle more businesses than you can shake a long, faster-than-light stick at.

Occasional guests will be torn apart by unimaginable gravitational forces with a soundtrack of classic episodes of "Pinky and the Brain" and bootlegged Pink Floyd concerts.
 
 
The Puck
00:43 / 08.02.03
9-930 saturday and sunday

Pucks reality check

Half an hour of a (recorded) angry voice relentlasly questioning why any sane person should be up at this hour on the weekend, occosionly interspersed with snooker commentry highlights to help the enlighted back to snoozland.
 
 
Persephone
01:21 / 08.02.03
Radio Free Barbelith 1 is complet for real this time! Yay again us!
 
 
The Puck
01:25 / 08.02.03
P is there any way of putting the listings in a coherant order and getting it back to us? just a thought
 
 
Persephone
01:31 / 08.02.03
Here's the program guide, Puck. I must say, I'm quite proud...
 
  

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