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Radio Free Barbelith 1

 
  

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Persephone
14:04 / 06.02.03
So nowadays I have to do a lot of driving for my job, which is a lot of time with no amusements save my own thoughts; and wouldn't it be nice, at least, to have a little burble of Barbelith going in my head. Like if Barbelith could be on the radio...

So this is the idea, a round-the-clock radio station for Barbelith. Sign up for your timeslots now! You get a one-hour program to do whatever you want --play records, interview people, rant, etc. We'll program according to GMT; but because there are Barbelithers around the world, it's always drive time somewhere.

12:00-1:00 GMT
The DLS Hour, hosted by Persephone

Radio dramas adapted from the much-loved Wimsey novels by Dorothy L. Sayers. Seeking voice actors for all roles, sound effects specialist. Serious enquiries only, please.
 
 
deja_vroom
14:16 / 06.02.03
1:00-2:30 GMT
The LSD Hour, hosted by Imperador de Jade

The pterodactyls! The pterodactyls are coming! And... huh? What? Man, that's so funny! AhahHAHAH HAHhAHHAAHAHhhAAH hAaaHAHHAHA... AAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Ooh shit the skeleton... Hoo hoo... I feel funnay. We have a listener calling... HelloAGH, FUCK THE TELEPHONE BIT ME!!
 
 
Sax
14:22 / 06.02.03
2:30-3:00 GMT: Hit The North with Sax
Half-hour regional variation for listeners north of anywhere

You fookin lookin at me? Fookin soft southern shandy shite. Ow fookin cold is it oop north? Freeze the fookin nads off a brass fookin whippet, that's ow fookin cold. Birmingum? Fookin ad um. Bristol? Fookin ad um. London? Fookin ave um any fookin day.

London listeners will hear the following programme:
 
 
Saint Keggers
14:22 / 06.02.03
2:30-3:00
The Quietness of Classic Silence"


Join me as I play all the best of the silence that occurs between the tracks on some of your favorite classic albums. Hear the nothingness that occured after Stairway, the dull null before Teen Spirit and the roaring void postscript to Inna Gada DaVida.

Simulcast in spanish where available and CC for the hearing impaired.
 
 
The Apple-Picker
14:36 / 06.02.03
Yes! I fucking love air mixes. You going to be playing those, Kegboy?
 
 
rizla mission
14:57 / 06.02.03
21:00 - 22:00 GMT - Box yr. Mind With The Absolute Sounds of Rizla's Freakout!

"Hey hey hey heey - prepare to get outta yr. skull with some weird and far-out sounds I recorded off John Peel last week or bought for 50p in the 2nd hand shop down the road, plus a whole shedload of white noise and counterfeit jive talk!"
 
 
Sax
15:02 / 06.02.03
Does that mean there's nothing on for six hours? Don't know what I pay my licence fee for.
 
 
Ariadne
15:04 / 06.02.03
It's like the silences on Radio 3. Just stretched out a bit.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
15:29 / 06.02.03
2200-2323- "Rock Moominvalley", hosted by Chairman Maominstoat. 83 minutes of Throbbing Gristle, interspersed with Digital Hardcore Recordings' greatest hits.
And the Shipping Forecast.
Read by Charlotte Green, natch.
 
 
w1rebaby
15:30 / 06.02.03
7:00pm - 8:00pm
"No, They Really Were Shit"

Weekly slot where Fridgemagnet attempts to defeat nostalgia, retro irony and comedy sing-alongs by showcasing the very worst output of a band or genre, interspersed with bitter snarls, and doesn't care whether you agree with him or not.

This week: Take That
In future weeks: Stock Aitken & Waterman, Paul Simon, Billy Bragg, the Chipmunks
Scheduled for 2004: Coldplay
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
15:35 / 06.02.03
8:00-9:00 GMT
Barbelith Is Dying! hosted by Flux

A daily call-in show in which Flux and a team of rotating Barbe-pundits discuss the ways in which Barbelith is falling apart, being destroyed by new members, and just isn't what it used to be.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
15:44 / 06.02.03
2330-2400 GMT

Qalyn's Qomplaints & Qorrespondences

Sunday thru Wednesday, callers help Qalyn write irate letters to corporations, politicians, publishers, and relatives; Thursday thru Saturday, Qalyn broadcasts live from the Brooklyn Public library, where he starts at one end of a row and reads his way to the other.
 
 
Nietzsch E. Coyote
15:48 / 06.02.03
1600-1700 gmt
Nietzsch E. Coyote's Hour of Existential madness.

Alternating randomly between Apollo based programing such as philosophical discussion and the best in Baroque music.

and Dionysis-style which should include Magic Rituals carried out live, the recordings of Aleister Crowley reciting the enochian calls, rock and roll, drunken karaoke and paranoid conspiracy rants.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
15:57 / 06.02.03
1701- 1802, an hour and one minute of Anna de Logardiere complaining about other people's clothes interspersed every 15 minutes by 'Nice Weather for Ducks' by Lemonjelly. Sunday evening's take a turn away from the norm by instigating a random-topic-never-before-discussed scenario. This show is characterised by a whining voice and an occasional screaming rant but strangely has no title.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
15:58 / 06.02.03
1803-1900

You Fucking Moron, Hosted by The Haus

The Haus (fresh, realistically, from contributing voice to the DLS hour) plays a selection of music and readings so screechingly and deservedly obscure as to make the ears rupture. Intermittently, a familiar or at least tolerable piece is begun, before being cut off and denounced as an example of everything that's wrong with the world in general and you, the listener, in particular. Peter Duncan is roundly humiliated and intermittently facemounted on air. Big prize phone-in competitions are largely based around the ability to decline little-used parts of the verb "tithemi".

Daphne and Celeste have a residency.
 
 
Nietzsch E. Coyote
16:00 / 06.02.03
1701- 1802 and 1700 - 1800

We have discovered prime time!
Fighting over timeslots already?

ps 1701- 1802 historical reference? numerology?
 
 
gridley
16:05 / 06.02.03
ooh, Jade, can I be a guest on your show?

"All right, now I'm going to explain the nature of reality... ok, ready... the universise is shaped like a... oh, how do I describe it? oh man, I wish you guys could just see what's in my head, it's so beautiful in there, and nobody knows it, not even me usually, oh man, I am going to cry, what was I talking about? oh, yeah, reality, it's like... you know when you stick your fingers inside something because you're looking for something, but you don't know what you're looking for, you're just hoping something's there, the universe is like that, it's like we're the fingers that god is sticking into... like himself... and that's what we are.... fingers... now I really am going to cry... ummm.....wow, this song is great, I wish this song could be the only thing I hear for the rest of my life.... I wish I was inside it and it was everything... oh, man, why does that make me sad... am I already crying? oh, wow, look at that tea kettle, wow, it's like a brancusi sculpture....wow, now I really am going to cry..."
 
 
Jack Fear
16:05 / 06.02.03
1500-1600 GMT
Jack Fear's Record Collection

It's a comedy, but he doesn't know that.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
16:07 / 06.02.03
Ooh... war on the horizon... feel the clash of the erm - I'm switching over to 0301 - 0402. I feel that extra minute to be a necessity and I don't like this dead on a 0 thing that's going on. Bad omen.
 
 
deja_vroom
16:17 / 06.02.03
(meanwhile, at The LSD Hour)


That was gridley, dear listeners. He really touched this ol' heart of mine. This heart (sound of thumping). Which that albino monkey with razor-harp teeth in the dark corner of the studio is NOT GONNA EAT, YOU HEAR ME??? COME AND GET SOME! WAAAAAAHHHH!!!
 
 
w1rebaby
16:18 / 06.02.03
1700 - 1701 GMT
The Fridgeminute

Fridge compresses the entire day's output down into a 30-second squawk and plays it backwards, with a 10-second jingle and 20 seconds of ads.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
16:19 / 06.02.03
20:00 - 21:00 GMT
The Home of Truth, with Whisky Priestess


Sixty golden minutes in which the Priestess worships at the temple of kitsch using listeners' taste as her vestal virgins. A programme consisting mainly of the greatest hits of Del Amitri, followed by script excerpts from the later, crapper series of Red Dwarf, is leavened occasionally by the Priestess's own homely observations on life and its general funny-old-ness.

She will occasionally pause to read out listeners' letters, in which sad fucks from places you've never heard of detail the inane prattlings and caperings of their offspring/old folk.

And at the end of the show every week, the author of the winning letter will be summarily disembowelled by the Priestess herself. With a spoon.

(Not available for listeners in Wales)
 
 
No star here laces
16:46 / 06.02.03
21.00-22.00 'Street level' with Byron Bitchlaces

In which our man from the Oxbridge hood gets down and dirty with the cutting edge of urban youth. Features documentary segments on how to intimidate young white professionals on the bus by calling them chi-chis and throwing m&ms at their head; bandana-tying tips; inarticulate patois-laden mumblings and the occasional sycophantic interview with minor UK garage luminaries.

soundtrack: dumbed down, misogynistic music that is causing epidemics of inner-city violence.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
17:11 / 06.02.03
12.30 till 12.58 GMT
All Alone: In the Dark, hosted by Xoc (The Man in Black)

Relax by the light of a flickering candle and listen to the wind whistling outside your window and your floorboards creaking, as Xoc chills your marrow with classic tales of the macabre and the uncanny (impersonating the grave and gravelly tones of Jack Fear).
This week: Edgar Allan Poe, M R James, H P Lovecraft, Ray Bradbury, and shortfatdyke.
WARNING If you're on your own, double lock the front door and sleep with a kitchen knife under your pillow.
Followed by:
12.58-01.00 GMT
The Forecast for Deep Sea Fisherman
 
 
that
17:55 / 06.02.03
1am-2am GMT

Lost Souls


Where we find out what becomes of the broken-hearted. I listen to the troubles of all the world-weary souls out there, offer sage advice, and occasionally go 'I can go you one better, so nyah!'
 
 
Jack Fear
18:01 / 06.02.03
...the grave and gravelly tones of Jack Fear...

Dude, you're getting fixated.

I neither encourage not discourage this trend.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
21:01 / 06.02.03
Movable soiree (TBA)
The Return Of Rothkoid is your host for this hour of sartorial elegance, deft cocktail mixing, pithy problem-solving (which largely revolves around the "well, of course she dumped you: you have no style. Don't you see?" mode of solution, and occasional bursts of "what the fuck was that?" music from the Zorn stable interrupting the otherwise-impeccable "Bags' Groove" feel of things. Ennui will be doled out, cigarettes will be used only as aids for giving good face, and black tie will not be optional.
 
 
Strange Machine Vs The Virus with Shoes
21:08 / 06.02.03
0403-0459. The smooth soothings of some Neanderthal.

A bit like magic FM, erm, a lot like magic FM, but even smoother and without the contemporary shite such as: Geri Halliwell and Robbie Williams. Expect an opening salvo of: Hall and Oates – “She’s gone”, John Denver – “Annie’s song” and Christopher Cross – “Arthur’s theme” (If you get caught between the moon and New York city, the best that you can do, the best that you can do……).
 
 
Persephone
21:36 / 06.02.03
You can't have that timeslot, Paleface... that's when Haus's "You Fucking Moron" show is on.

Please consult the program guide for an available timeslot. As it was, I did have to to shuffle some things around...
 
 
Mazarine
21:42 / 06.02.03
7:00 am - 8:00 am

Cartoons and Cereal with Mazarine Blue.

Nothing will be taken seriously, bring your own spoon.
 
 
Persephone
21:43 / 06.02.03
Hang on, you're not Paleface...
 
 
Persephone
21:49 / 06.02.03
...sorry about that, Panarchy.

Rothkoid, I think that you should have 18:00-19:00 GMT. That's a perfect soiree time. I will save it for you.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
22:08 / 06.02.03
8:30-9:00

Epo Wars!

With Mordant C@rnival and that guy off the Thompson's Waterseal adverts.

Two epileptics are dressed in army boots and boxing gloves and put in a box together. Then they're fed large quantities of epileptigenic substances and shown a selection of flashing lights until they spaz out good and proper. As this is radio, they would also wear all-over suits with pressure-points wired up to amusing sound-effects.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
22:09 / 06.02.03
Thank you, station manager P.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
22:10 / 06.02.03
9:00-9:10

Epo Wars Xtra

The winner of Epo Wars partakes of hir prize: kicking the crap out of a personnel officer.
 
  

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