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Do my work for me

  
  

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The Natural Way
10:25 / 27.01.03
I can't be arsed to waste any of my precious creative juices on this shit, so I humbly request my fellow Lithers do my work for me:

a 3-5 min long commercial for foot cream/moisturiser. We have no budget - so nothing too snazzy.

Do my work. Now.

Please.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
11:01 / 27.01.03
BLACK.

SCREEN LIGHTENS TO REVEAL A CLAY FOOT

VOICEOVER: Use bloggs-brand foot moisturiser, or...

CLAY FOOT EXPLODES!

VOICEOVER: Bad shit happens. Available from Boots.

FADE TO BLACK
 
 
sleazenation
11:04 / 27.01.03
A Terry Gilliam style animation of feet coming down from the skies, failing to crush things and getting dry - that is until the magic cream is applied at which point the feet can crush tall buildings in a single bound.

Hmmm somehow i doubt this idea will stretch to 3-5 min that's a loooong time.
 
 
A
11:07 / 27.01.03
How can an ad for foot cream possibly go for 3 to 5 minutes?

Sex sells, apparently, so my suggestion is just a shot of 2 people in bed "doing it", with a tube of foot cream superimposed over their rude bits. Simple and effective.
 
 
The Natural Way
11:50 / 27.01.03
Well...thinking about it, 5's pushing it. Great suggestions, but I get the feeling you guys are fucking with me (!). C'mon, guys, where's the love?
 
 
sleazenation
12:05 / 27.01.03
hey the love could be there if you borrow heavily from foot-fetishist porn, but i have a feeling that would involve a whole other form of 'special ointment'...
 
 
Jub
12:05 / 27.01.03
Brian - that's it man!
where's the love

After a long day walking you around town, meetings, traffic, queues; constantly putting pressure on them.... Where's the love?
Treat your feet with new Runce Cream!

Worn, tired feet? Where's the love?
Callouses, hard yellow old leathery smelly skin? Where's the love?

Runce Cream's amazing new formula will combat
the aching tiredness,
the smell,
the hardness,
but most of all your feet will know feel like you've given them something back for all that hard work.

Where's the love? Runce Cream.

(I think it's evident that I don't want to do my work either)
 
 
illmatic
12:09 / 27.01.03
What about a Mary Magdalene type thing - Jesus is stuck, rubbing his sore old feet - rubs on the magic paste, and Mary Magdalen turns up dressed like a "Mouelin Rouge" type prostitute and "washes it away with her hair, with her hair, washes it away with her hair".

Camera closes in on her face and you know that's just the beginning... fade out.
 
 
Cosmicjamas
12:13 / 27.01.03
And of course the backing music has to be "Where is the Love" by Roberta Flack!
 
 
Whisky Priestess
12:24 / 27.01.03
Second Class Citizens

Scene of a busy crowded street, people walking purposefully and quickly.

Authoritative Male Voice-Over:
They are all around us, yet we ignore them.
We depend on them every day, yet we abuse them.
They never rest, because we never do.
But imagine a world in which our feet were not second-class citizens.

Slow motion, soft-focus montages of a world without hands - possibly using footage of Thalidomide/diabled people who can use their feet like hands. Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot, you know the drill.

Someone types with their feet, another answers the phone - feet holding cutlery, giving each other high-fives. Feet playing pianos, painting pictures, holding a book or newspaper. All the feet look attractive, healthy, well-nourished with smooth, strokable skin.

A man and a woman sit at a restaurant table: a waiter pours champagne with his feet, and they smile at each other. From the expression on the man's face it's clear that he is being pulled off under the table by the woman's foot. She raises her champagne to her lips with the other foot, smiling.

Authoritative Male Voice-Over:
Think of all your feet do for you. Isn't it time to give something back?

Slow fade to a shot of Acme Foot Cream that says it all.
Slogan: Show them you care.
 
 
The Natural Way
12:33 / 27.01.03
Fantastic. I think we're edging towards the love here, people. But there''s still some ways to go! We need to push it further...go deeper in...deeper into the love....
 
 
aus
12:36 / 27.01.03
Sometimes there are some interesting 3-5 minute commercials at the cinema. They're almost like movies in themselves, with a plot, characters and probably millions spent in production. It sounds like the millions might be beyond your budget, which is a real block for me. This creative mind requires M O N E Y to operate.

OK, OK, how about this:

Young, attractive, worried-looking thing opens door, walks into oak-panelled office of older, wiser suit sitting behind a large, expensive desk. Close ups - both look serious, slight frown on each face. Discussion follows, dramatic stuff like "what do I do?" from the younger character, "prognosis isn't good" from the older character, blah blah fishcakes, without ever mentioning the specific problem or issue, younger character is close to tears, building to a peak of apparent frustration.

Finally they stop talking, there seems to be hopeless impasse. Without speaking, the older character opens a drawer in the desk, reaches in... Close-up of foot cream container placed on desk. The silence briefly continues (creating a mental tension of puzzlement in the viewer) before the young thing snatches up the proffered foot cream, showers the older character with thank-yous and joyfully leaves. Camera remains in the office, close up of older character looking over and to one side of the camera, apparently at the door the young thing closed behind hirself. The older character semi-smiles in a mysterious way and mutters the product's slogan to hirself - something about how the product is universally effective, still without mentioning its actual purpose.
 
 
The Natural Way
12:43 / 27.01.03
DEEPER STILL.....
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
13:29 / 27.01.03
Show me the money, Runcey. Hard cash. Dirty cash. Free money. CREAM.

Do you see?
 
 
Sax
13:50 / 27.01.03
Hobbits. How do they keep their big hairy feet so fresh and soft-looking after all that running around the blasted wastes of Mordor? RUNCE'S PATENT FOOT MOISTURISER, of course.

It's now, it's funny, and it'll probably get you sued. Go for it.

"What has it got in its pocketses?"

"RUNCE'S PATENT FOOT MOISTURISER, of course!"
 
 
The Natural Way
13:51 / 27.01.03
Well, all this loveaction! has got me hot and no mistake..... Oh, BTW, I fingerpuked an email containing my foot cream idea to my boss half an hour ago, but I'm still really digging the barbe-ads - keep 'em coming!

I want more explosions! More Fire! More Passion!

Further! Deeper! Here's the money, bitch! Take it ALL!
 
 
that
13:52 / 27.01.03
I love that. That kicks arse.
 
 
The Natural Way
13:52 / 27.01.03
I actually resemble a hobbit, too.
 
 
that
13:52 / 27.01.03
Uh - that was meant to come after Sax's post...sorry
 
 
that
13:54 / 27.01.03
Do you really resemble a Hobbit? Food-loving, pipeweed-smoking, with hairy feet and wide unblinking eyes like Elijah Wood?
 
 
Whisky Priestess
14:00 / 27.01.03
Well, come on then Runce - what was your idea? And can it possibly be as good as ours, eh? Inquiring minds demand to know.
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
14:15 / 27.01.03
Food-loving, pipeweed-smoking, with hairy feet and wide unblinking eyes like Elijah Wood?

That's pretty much on the money. More a Sam than a Frodo, I'd say
 
 
The Natural Way
14:22 / 27.01.03
Hey! Fuck you! I'm nowhere near as large as that greedy little guzzler! I have a bit of a pot, etc., but please! Oh, the hell of having a really slim identical twin bro....

My idea?

Okay.....

Intercut CUs of feet engaged in a wide variety of activites, all of which suggest disomfort and/or strain: playing football, hiking, being trod on on the tube, racing around the tennis court, running, squeezed into heels and tottering down the high st.,...etc.

Sound effects of feet groaning, moaning, pleading, grunting, OW!ing, etc.

Voice over:

"Over the course of an average day, our feet support us through a wide variety of activities."

"Whatever it is we find ourselves doing; wherever we happen to be; wherever we want to go, our feet are there for us - to carry us through, to take all the pressure."

Intercutting speeds up, griping and grumbling gets louder and camera freeze-frames on shot of bare foot poised above a waiting plug. Perhaps a cutesy "Noooo!" Fade to black.

Voiceover:

"Isn't it time you gave something back? Isn't it time to show your feet you appreciate all that hard work?"

Shot comes back up on hands smearing foot cream into tired, worn and ever-so-tense feet.. Images of domestic bliss and relaxation abound: foot propped on arm of sofa, log fire blazing in background. Feet giggle and sigh with pleasure as hands massage cream into skin.

"Well Now you can, with CSS Foot and Heel Cream. CSS Foot and Heel Cream can help ease away the strains and stresses you heap upoun your feet day after tiring day, and can, if used regularly, reduce painful and unsightly cracking and dryness!"

Feet let out one final, sustained "Aaaaaaah", and flop, totally relaxed after their stressbusting CSS session...

"So, after a long day on the train and in the office, a demanding afternoon on the pitch or an exhausting evening in the gym, give the little guys a treat with CSS Foot and Heel Cream, and make yr feet smile again!"

CU of feet jumping into the air and clicking heels. Perhaps the feet cheer "Woo Hoo!" or something along those lines.


I like this idea because it avoids the whole age/sex thing and, by personalizing the feet and depersonalizing the owners of same it has a kind of universal appeal. They could be anyones feet - they could be yours!

Love it.
 
 
The Natural Way
14:24 / 27.01.03
The foot cream name has been changed to protect the innocent...er....manufacturer.
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
14:26 / 27.01.03
*Joking* sweetheart, you're about half the size of Sam *at least*
 
 
Saveloy
14:32 / 27.01.03
Two young women emerge from a cinema, smiling and chatting about the film they've just seen (behind and above them you can see LORD OF THE RINGS written in huge letters on the billboard).

Sarah: "It was good, but they could have put a Donald Duck cartoon on first or - even better - afterwards."

Janice: "Yes. Now you've said that, I'd like to look at some ducks. Let's get the bus to the big duck pond."

Sarah: "Oh, Janice, what a good idea!"

They sit at a bus stop.

Sarah: "You're not going to believe this, but I've just realised I've come out with only one shoe. My right foot is completely bare, how embarrassing!"

Janice: "I'll have a look on top of the bus shelter, people are always joking that there's usually one up there. You never know, it might match the other."

Sarah: "Oh I hope so. Quickly, please, chop-chop."

Janice climbs on top of the metal shelter.

Janice: "Well there's no shoe, but from up here I can see a warehouse off in the distance, perhaps there will be a shoe in there."

They walk through busy streets and across a derelict car park to the warehouse. On the way, every sort of damage and indignity is inflicted upon Sarah's foot - trodden on by dogs, stamped on by angry old men, driven over by pensioners in electric go-carts, urinated on by children and immersed in every sort of fowl litter. This should use up at least a minute and a half.

They arrive at the front door of the warehouse.

Sarah (examining foot): "Look Janice, exposing my foot to the feet of dogs and men, the electric vehicles of pensioners and the urine of children has made the skin go really dry. I wish I had some cream for it. I almost don't care about the shoe any more, isn't that funny?"

Janice: "Yes."

Janice pushes the doorbell. A middle-aged man in a boiler suit answers immediately.

Barry: "Hello, please come in. How can I help you?"

The view switches so that we see them enter from inside the warehouse.

Sarah: "Look, I've only got one shoe [holds foot out] Have you got any here?"

Barry: "No, I haven't. I'm afraid I've sold everything in the warehouse except that single item, which isn't a shoe. [points]."

The camera pans round to show that the warehouse is a single massive space, entirely empty except for a small tube of cream right in the middle of the floor.

Janice: "That's a shame, Sarah. Mind you, [squinting] that tube of cream looks like a tube of Bloggs's Foot Cream.

Barry: "I'll go and get it for you."

Barry walks past the tube, all the way to the other end of the warehouse and jumps into a fork lift truck. He drives it over to the tube and attempts - but fails - to pick it up with the forks. After several tries he gets out and places the tube onto one of the forks. He jumps back in and drives over to Sarah and Janice. He has to stop and replace the tube onto the fork 3 times on the way. This should take at least 2 minutes.

Cut to 'later' and Sarah is massaging it into her foot.

Janice: "Is it nice?"

Sarah: "Yes, Janice, it's very nice. It feels like drugs. It's intensely pleasurable yet sturdy. Feel how leathery my skin is now! I don't think I need shoes now."

Janice: "Come on, let's go and see those ducks. Thanks Barry!"

Barry punches the air, leaps and clicks his heels together - freeze frame on click. Animated letters march onto the screen one at a time to spell out "Bloggs's Foot Cream", to calypso music.
 
 
The Natural Way
14:35 / 27.01.03
Your idea tries hard to out-evil mine......but the difference? Mine's real and may yet air.
 
 
The Natural Way
14:36 / 27.01.03
Oh yes, it may yet air.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
15:00 / 27.01.03
This advert must contain many beautiful shoes, it's a perfect opportunity, red sparkly stiletto's and a pair of patent tap shoes. Yes. And what's with the sports bias? Why do people with bad feet have to be joggers and tennis players? That's, like, so cliched. Tsk.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
16:33 / 27.01.03
Quote from Runce:
Intercutting speeds up, griping and grumbling gets louder and camera freeze-frames on shot of bare foot poised above a waiting plug. Perhaps a cutesy "Noooo!" Fade to black.

What, your foot is scared of *water*? Bathing it is torture? Not sure I understand this bit.

(It must be a pussyfoot. Heh heh.)
 
 
A
03:21 / 28.01.03
Shot of ordinary looking guy.

VOICEOVER- "this is Mr. Jones. He's about to find out what happens when you neglect your feet for too long."

Mr. Jones' shoes and socks explode. his feet seem to leap out from under him. he falls on his arse. his feet seem to have turned EVIL and beging to kick him and attempt to strangle him (this would require a rather flexible actor) He writhes in despair.

MR. JONES- "Egad! My feet have turned evil as a result of my neglecting them for lo these many years and are attempting to do me in! Help! Who will save me?"

There is a loud crash, and a handsome, rugged, burly fellow with a charming gleam in his eye bursts through the door. He wears a superhero outfit with a logo of a foot on the chest, and is carrying a tube of some sort which appears to be glowing as if it were magical.

BRIAN RUNCE (for it is he)- Never fear, my good man, I'll save you.

MR. JONES- Brian Runce? Hurrah!

Runce aims the glowing tube at Mr Jones, feet. a close up on the label of the tube reveal it bears the legend "Runce's All-Purpose Miracle Foot Ointment", accompanied by a picture of Runce's own smiling face. Runce fires a stream of ointment at Jones' feet, which immediately discontinue their asault, and appear to be very contented.

MR. JONES- I am saved! How can I ever thank you, Brian Runce?

Runce hands Mr. Jones the tube of ontment.

BRIAN RUNCE- Just promise me you'll take better care of your feet in the future, by using Runce's All-Purpose Miracle Foot Ointment, available at all good supermarkets and chemists.

MR JONES- I will, Brian Runce! What a fool I was to neglect my feet!

BRIAN RUNCE (to camera)- Well, my work here is done. Remember, folks, take good care of your feet with Runce's All-Purpose Miracle Foot Ointment.

Close up of Runce winking.
 
 
yawn - thing's buddy
09:16 / 28.01.03
I still can’t come to terms with this add being more than a minute long.

I suggest a blipvert as in the original Max Headroom feature. (how good was that?)

Watching blipverts causes some people to spontaneously combust, leaving only their feet intact.

So do a blipvert about a blipvert concerned with said cream, which when applied at least leaves your feet in a marvellous condition even after the rest of your body has self-incinerated.
 
 
The Natural Way
11:09 / 28.01.03
I was talking arse - it's gotta be 2 to 3 mins. But we air SO many infomercials, you can hardly blame me. Most of our "ads" are practically the length of a programme.

Plug = Ra...I mean, y'know, an electric plug: the no 1 barefootstabber according to The Sun, or somesuch rag.
 
 
yawn - thing's buddy
12:26 / 28.01.03
Runce - why don't we pack in our jobs and form a really cool company!
 
 
Whisky Priestess
12:31 / 28.01.03
Aha! Suddenly it all becomes so clear .... Lego is no. 2 Most Painful Thing to Step On, actually, although there might be some libel(?) issues about portraying their product in a negative light.
 
  

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