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The best thing about your post is that you are becoming aware of patterns in yourself which you may decide are potentially unhealthy (i.e. seeking all your worth in another, as opposed to 'I'm good with me and this relationship is just a terrific added benefit, icing on the cake' and the sharing of two complete individuals) and which you might want to work on.
You know, sometimes I think the Freudian stuff is BS (the whole thing where heterosexual women's relationships with men are determined mostly by their relationship with their father, and men's relationships with women determined by how it was with their mother), and other times I really think there's a lot to it.
When I notice a pattern that almost all of my girlfriends have had poor relationships with their father, most of them lost their father when they were little kids, most of them were previously in abusive relationships with men, raped, have huge intimacy problems, etc., it tells me not only something about these women, but a lot about ME and my patterns, what attract subconsciously and what I need to look at there.
Since my parents (mom too!) were not emotionally available for me until about age 24, small wonder that I attract women who are not emotionally available.'
Once you're aware of patterns, esp. in how you relate to people, you can start sending messages, to yourself and the universe, that you want to change those patterns. And eventually, something will just click into place, and those old patterns will be replaced with healthier ones.
And there is a fine line between healthy self-esteem as an individual and wanting and needing, rightly so, love, companionship, intimacy from and with someone else. And don't worry, practically EVERYONE has a tough time with this one.
As for feminism, I just think feminism means women being treated with respect and not treated as "less than" men in this society. I would say your principles of equality are sound; most people have relationship issues, the two may not necessarily be intertwined all the time.
Best wishes and blessings as you go through this time of self-discovery. You'll know what to do with the knowledge you find.
p.s. Oh, and you're NOT a "disgrace to feminist principles"!  |
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