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Dee-
I know exactly how you feel. *hugs*
Between the ages of 6 and 17 I was obese. I really think it stemmed from being molested by my neighbor when I was 5, because I distinctly remember that that's when I started overeating. (Probably too much information but I'm not shy, and I've dealt with that incident extensively and have healed, I'd say.)
I was constantly teased and harrassed, every single year in school there'd be some new group of kids who'd decide to make fun of me for my weight. I would usually get mad enough to confront them eventually but it was still painful. And naturally like all the other girls, I wanted to be pretty, I wanted the boys to like me, etc.
I used to come home from school and play dressup and look at myself in the mirror and think, "If only they could SEE.. if only they could SEE that I'm actually very pretty.." (I've never been the modest sort!) I'd have crushes on boys but I never dared acknowledge them. Who'd want to go out with a fat girl?
Anyway, in the fall of my senior of high school, I started losing weight. It all started relatively calmly; I'd dealt with some of my reasons for being fat, I had learned to control my overeating, and I just felt like I was ready to get rid of my "armor." I changed my eating habits somewhat, and started exercising. Over the next year, I lost over 70 pounds.
And the change in attitude I got was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!! I can honestly say that it took me a good three years after I lost the weight to come to grips with the fact that not only was I now a "thin" person, but that's how people treated me differently.
And they really did. I'll never forget this one time at work in the breakroom when this guy was going on about how much he hated "fat chicks." Naturally I was defending "fat chicks," but in my head I was like "He really doesn't know. He REALLY doesn't know that I'm 'one of them.'"
The biggest thing to get used to was male attention which I NEVER, EVER got before I lost weight, and once I did I got it ALL THE TIME. It made me really uncomfortable at first. And it made me really mad, too. Because I was the same girl I had been; I had the same personality; I was just thinner.
I did eventually get used to it, though. And what I found is beauty really in many ways about "attitude." I know that's a cliche, but it's true. I managed to keep all of the weight off that I'd lost for nearly a decade. Then about three years ago, I went through an incredibly stressful period in my life and gained about 40 pounds. I am only NOW managing to lose it. But I'd say it's actually taken that long to heal from the traumas that happened so long ago now, and to be in a place where I'm "ready. BUt even weighing more than I'd like, I still think my body is pretty damn sexy.  And that definitely attracts people to me.
Society definitly pushes women to be thinner than I personally would ever want to be. I know it's hard, and I know how cruel people can be. The bottom line, cheesy as it is, is never forget how beautiful your own body is, right now. You really can be sexy at any size.
Yes I know how cheesy that sounds. But hey, if you ever wanna talk about this some more, feel free to email me or private message me.
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