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And it's time, time, time...

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The Return Of Rothkoid

12:51 / 09.12.02

...that you love. And it's time, time, time.

I am officially a fucking broken man. I'm sorry, again, a thousand times, but the light's gone fucking out. My heart is absolutely broken.

Sax

12:54 / 09.12.02

Care to spill exactly what's drowning your meat pie, Rothko? It sounds v. poor, whatever it is.

The Return Of Rothkoid

13:09 / 09.12.02

Trust, love, and knives.

Bear

13:32 / 09.12.02

It's time, it's time it's Vader Time time time time

Vader Bombs for all since it's Christmas...

Hope everything gets better Rothkoid.. and it will.

The Return Of Rothkoid

13:32 / 09.12.02

I can't get anything to shut up. I just can't.

The Return Of Rothkoid

13:37 / 09.12.02

bear: I wish I could say that it would. But tongiht has seen me get darker and darker.

that

13:53 / 09.12.02

Rothkoid - have just emailed you...

Can you call the Samaritans or equivalent? It might help to have a friendly voice, a friendly stranger to just talk to... might make things seem a bit less desperate, you know?

Hugs and good vibes your way...please look after yourself...things really will get better. Weather the storm, and get yourself some help.

Shortfatdyke

14:47 / 09.12.02

Rothy - read the PMs I've been sending you recently. Be nice to yourself.

And don't get any more drunk. Really - it makes a horrible mood/situation unbearable. Talk to us.

The Return Of Rothkoid

14:52 / 09.12.02

Chol; I have been talking. With someone key to it. For about three hours, cross-globe. I'm hurt.

And nobody said a word. Right there, but nobody said a word. That's what's tearing me up.

Lurid Archive

14:52 / 09.12.02

I very much agree with Cholister and SFD. Talk it through and don't get drunk. It just makes it worse.

Mind you, its easy enough to hand on godd advice...

that

15:04 / 09.12.02

I more meant talking to a friendly stranger, or an uninvolved friend rather than someone who has bearing on how you currently feel - like sfd says, talk to us. Or if talking is too much, try to sleep, perhaps... stuff will get better - however bad it is now, it won't last forever, though I know it probably feels that way. Just hang on...

The Return Of Rothkoid

15:13 / 09.12.02

I can't sleep. I'm not drunk. I have deadline day tomorrow and will be up late into the night. I have to be all chipper for work, and look like I give a fuck about what I'm doing. I've been trying to blot things out other ways, and they aren'te working. I don't know what I can say about all this - it's so horrible. And there's nobody here, nobody in this fucking smoking town that's meant to be home. The only person I can talk to here is currently sick as fuck with her own nerve problems, and I don't want to bother her. I just... I don't know. I feel fucking self-indulgent and weak. and like punching walls.

Shortfatdyke

15:25 / 09.12.02

Sorry, Rothkoid, I misunderstood, but I'm glad you're sober.

Would it be irresponsible of me to say - okay, punch walls, if it's going to release that nasty energy that's built up. What I mean is, do something preferably non-damaging that will express how you feel. Destroy something that's not world shattering to say goodbye to - you can look at it later and think, yeah, that's how bad I felt. And see it outside of yourself, not inside.

that

15:34 / 09.12.02

Really sorry, Rothkoid... sfd's right - punch pillows, go somewhere and scream, break something unimportant...all these things are better than taking it out on yourself.

My thoughts are with you, man...

The Return Of Rothkoid

15:46 / 09.12.02

I've found out, just now, it's worse. More has happened than I thought.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

15:58 / 09.12.02

Ah shit, man. They're right, y'know- go break stuff that doesn't matter, don't get pissed. Play some really violent video games, or something that's not gonna harm you or get you arrested, but will allow to to release some tension nonetheless.

Seth

16:30 / 09.12.02

Stay with us, Roth. PM or email me if you hit the posting limit, or call me if you need to. I'll have the PC on til about ten, but you can call me any time day or night.

grant

18:01 / 09.12.02

Talk to your friend with the illness. Misery loves company & horror shared is horror lessened.

Do they have electric guitars in Australia? Really really loud ones?

Baz Auckland

19:10 / 09.12.02

I'm sorry to hear this Roth, hugs to you.

Baz Auckland

19:23 / 09.12.02

And even though you probably don't feel like listening to loud, or upbeat music, I might help. Tom Waits is a bad idea.

The Return Of Rothkoid

20:39 / 09.12.02

I'm back again.

I was up almost all night, trying to talk, trying to understand. Trying to avoid the kitchen drawer, mostly, and mostly unsuccessfully. How fucking tawdry and teen magazine. I feel like my head's been scraped clean on the inside. And what recourse, what right I got?

None. Fucking none.

It's going to be a long week. And this weekend coming will be even longer, for a number of reasons.

My posting limit has been reached for the day. Fucking convenient.

Murray Hamhandler

22:11 / 09.12.02

Roth, use the PM. I'll probably be (inadvisably) here for a while, for what it's worth. You've got my ear and my shoulder, if you need either.

The Return Of Rothkoid

22:24 / 09.12.02

Well, it's all just confirmation that I ain't good enough. Or, rather, am easily interchangeable. Maybe both. Maybe.

Grant: alas, I broke my strings last night in a Nick Drake funk.

I'm so sorry, everyone. I'm just feeling so goddamned awful, so let down, so lied to. So useless.

It's Dirty Three on repeat, not Waits. And wishing, hoping that somewhere, that someone is thinking of me and of how it was, once. And feeling that perhaps there was some good in it, somewhere - because it seems like that's been forgotten.

Murray Hamhandler

22:37 / 09.12.02

NO DIRTY THREE!!! That puts me right in a funk when I'm feeling good.

These things you say are vague, but I think we've all been there. It's easy to forget and, perhaps, difficult to put before the more immediate things you're feeling at times like these, but there are people out here who care. Among whose number you can count us.

Ganesh

23:09 / 09.12.02

I'm up and about for the next half hour or so, Rothkoid, if you want to talk via PM...

The Return Of Rothkoid

23:45 / 09.12.02

I've just messaged you. I'm sorry about the length.

Ganesh

00:22 / 10.12.02

S'okay. I've had longer...

The Return Of Rothkoid

01:22 / 10.12.02

Back from yoga. No joy. Just aching all over.

Mazarine

01:27 / 10.12.02

I'd send you a pie if I thought it'd make it through the mail, sugar. Hugs and affection and psychic pie.

grant

12:35 / 10.12.02

Get more strings posthaste! Borrow instrument if need be!

And keep the fez safe from harm.

The Return Of Rothkoid

22:09 / 10.12.02

Well, I did end up going out for a bit last night. Which helped marginally. But then I heard more details, and so, of course, funfunfun.

Fuck. Responsibility? Hm.

Rage

23:08 / 10.12.02

Can I bake you a cake?

The Return Of Rothkoid

23:09 / 10.12.02

Cake would be good. Baked goods of any modificatory type would be welcome.

The Return Of Rothkoid

05:24 / 11.12.02

Still no change. I keep seeing it. But still no change.

Kit-Cat Club

22:32 / 11.12.02

I wanted to offer my support here, though you know you have it anyway. Hope to hear you're feeling better soon. Also I wanted to say that I'm very sorry for causing you some of this grief. I don't really know what else to say, just that I'm sad and sorry to see you like this.

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