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Really shit copy

ONLY NICE THINGS

13:55 / 06.12.02

Now, I realise that this may be of limited concern to some, but I found mysefl flicking through a Maplin catalogue in the sudden realisation that I had far too much money (obviously, ina highly specific sense here) and not enough shiny things that go "whirr". Having resolved to buy a keyring Flash drive and a USB Hub to stick it in, My eye fell upon a section advertising recordable DVDs with the headline.

"Perfect for Data (and Seven of Nine!)"

I vomited. Blood. This has replaced in my estimation for worst Christmas catalogue copy Dixon's unbelievably lifeless "Bought a TV for the kids' room? Stop them nagging about the reception with this aerial".

Any others that are doing your plums at present?

w1rebaby

14:03 / 06.12.02

Do they still have those pictures of huge cool spaceships on the cover? I'd always pick up my Dad's new Maplin catalogue and think "look at this cool spaceship, this must be really interesting" and then it would just be full of transistors and shit. Every single time. I was only about six though.

Ethan Hawke

14:18 / 06.12.02

There's this commmercial for the Sunday New York Times that has been running forever. It's nauseating-

Curly-haired attractive woman in her 30s - "I love the arts. And nothing satisifes my passion like the New York Times."
Asian looking dude - " I get the real scoop on events here, and in my homeland."

and so on...

w1rebaby

14:59 / 06.12.02

I know it's much too easy to have a go at anti-drug campaigns, but I have to. It's in my contract.

This one has been making me tear at my own face recently:

http://www.mediacampaign.org/images/stella_580.jpg

Okay, it may seem like I hate my parents, but I'm really demonstrating what a therapist would call "asserting my identity," so I can grow up to be a well-adjusted individual. Sure, I say I want freedom, but without parental supervision, I'm much more likely to smoke pot and stuff.

Kids talk like that, you know. And they secretly really like it if you follow them around and read their diaries. There's a TV version of this one, too, which is even worse.

the full catalogue

their website

I rather like this snappy little button, too:

Perfect Tommy

18:08 / 06.12.02

It's good to know that if I see myself spiraling through depression and anxiety into paranoia, ecstasy is right around the corner. It's a very hopeful message!

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:57 / 06.12.02

I would NEVER. EVER. EVER. take a pill with Barney the fucking Dinosaur on it. I wouldn't even crush up half of one and dab it.

The Falcon

02:05 / 07.12.02

I would. That looks like an advert - all it needs is a question mark, correctly placed.

Or a !

That's clearly not Barney the Dinosaur. More like a really bad-ass dinosaur. Which is surely better.

The Strobe

15:21 / 07.12.02

God, that website. What's really depressing is that I thought that some of the ads were pretty good, and the rest were absolutely fucking DREADFUL in their cringiness, shameful below-the-belt punches, or Daily-Mail-Philosophy.

The Strobe

15:23 / 07.12.02

DRUMMING! THE ANTI DRUG!

Jesus wept.

Eloi Tsabaoth

15:26 / 07.12.02

This would explain why Ringo was the most boring of the Beatles.
"Here, try one of these, la."
"No thanks Paul... I've got drumming..."

CameronStewart

21:11 / 07.12.02

Dunno how widespread it is, but this has been on the television and radio recently:

"TAMPAX: Because being a girl rocks!"

Swear to god.

Baz Auckland

02:00 / 08.12.02

There have been some subway ads lately that have just made me cringe. They're for a craft show and are all along the same sort of 'hey! I'm a rich wanker!' line.

Example: "I was with my boyfriend at the One of a Kind Craft Show, when I saw this original ring by Dorothy McSomething. Before I could even point it out, he said 'that ring is so you!'. He knew just what I wanted! We're so perfect together!"

05:52 / 08.12.02

Patronising, governmenet-funded advertising is MY anti-drug!

...and that looks like Godzilla to me.

ONLY NICE THINGS

08:07 / 08.12.02

The adventures of the kids of Summit High, on Freevibe, are brilliant. Watch as our cast of ethnically mixed kids struggle with the issues of growing up? Yawn as every single minor character introduced takes drugs and has a terrible, terrible evening! Hurl as the Aryan candy-striper finds a new way to say "drugs are bad, yo" in her diary!

Animal mutilation. That's my anti-drug.

Linus Dunce

17:37 / 08.12.02

Haus, Freevibe is indeed painful to read.

But I like this page.

Some Christian rock has a good beat as well. Nah, I'm kidding.

Red wine is my anti-drug.

Linus Dunce

17:45 / 08.12.02

"Perfect for Data (and Seven of Nine!)"

Painful, but probably effective. Cultural references for the kind of person that normally reads the catalogue, and an elegant way of saying, "perfect for MP3s (and porn!)."

I really hate the Pro-Plus and Lemsip ads equating use of the product with career success. Groan-hoik-splash!

ONLY NICE THINGS

18:05 / 08.12.02

"perfect for MP3s (and porn!)."

You know, I'd completely missed that subtext, which does indeed help a lot. Because, as you say, Data and Seven of Nine perfectly encapsulate the two main functions of memory for the geek; resource storage and frenetic self-abuse...

w1rebaby

18:15 / 08.12.02

Sudden thought about the girl in that poster - is it just me, or does she look like a slightly younger Ellen Feiss? Irony. Microsoft - the anti-drug. Ahem.

Linus Dunce

18:40 / 08.12.02

Hey, yes, ironic because (from the IT people I know, anyway) you need to be bonged up to enjoy MS complexity. In response Apple could make some anti-drug-type bumper stickers:

My child is not MSCE certified. He spends all his time playing with Macs and can't remember how to work regedit.

Actually, I'm a little worried that I may have revealed myself as a Maplin catalogue reader. :-)

w1rebaby

18:44 / 08.12.02

If you're stoned, you can forget how many times you have had to reboot the fucking thing. I can see that.

ONLY NICE THINGS

18:46 / 08.12.02

Hey, the Maplin catalogue is basically porn. Although they were out of keyring flash memory, I did end up getting a new keyboard with a drawing pad built in. Me so hoooooorny.

Our Lady of The Two Towers

19:25 / 08.12.02

Trizunth This would explain why Ringo was the most boring of the Beatles.
"Here, try one of these, la."
"No thanks Paul... I've got drumming..."

"I want some of this present, it sounds crazy."
"Sorry Daz, not for you."
"And why not?"
"Because you're a drummer and drummers... They're not meant to have life-changing transcendental experiences."

Milligan speaks the truth.

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