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Friends v.s. "something more"

  
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
23:52 / 04.12.02
Okay kids, here's the deal. Looks like it's time for one of those "so there's this girl" talks. I know it's lame as fuck, but hear me out. I need help.

But first some backround. I have recently discovered that random, attachment free sexual encounters with attractive women does not make me as happy as I thought it would. I mean, it's fun (really fun, actually), and it's what I always thought I wanted. Big surprise, right? Turns out what you thought would be kickass in highshcool doesn't always turnout that way...

So I've decided that maybe it might be worth a shot to start a relationship (gasp!). But the thing is, I've never been good at those. In fact, I'm terrible. I'm pretty sure my ex-gf's have started a newsletter. I've never cheated on anyone, but that certainly doesn't make me a good boyfriend. It always started out with me being at least fond of someone, but I always lose interest and they end up feeling almost like a pet to me. At which point it's time to break it off, and then there's the tears, the slapping, the name calling, and so on. I don't get hurt, because by the time it's all over I have no feelings for them anyway.

But going around hurting people like this over and over is pretty irresponsible, so eventually I stopped when I realized that a pattern was emerging.

But. Now I feel like trying again. And there's someone I'd like to try it with, someone that I don't think I can lose interest in so quickly. Why? Because she's a close friend. I value her friendship. It's not often I feel this close to people, even as friends, which is why I'd like to try it with her. So I don't think that anything can happen that will make me never want to have her somewhere in my life.

So what I need to know is

A. Is it a good idea to try this? It's not like I can't be around her without wanting to be with her. I'm content being friends. Is asking for more just plain greedy?

B. How on earth do I approach her about this? In a tactful manner, that is.

There are a number of new risks for me. Thanks to my medication, and the fact that I actually care a great deal for this person, I am risking getting seriously hurt if a relationship occurs. I've never before had to take a risk like that. Most of my relationships were out of convienence, for me anyway. Which I know is a horrible thing when the other person doesn't know that. That's why I stopped doing it.

Christ! What do I do? How do I do it? I've never been in anything close to this situation before. Gimme a hand.

By the way, I know this is really lame. Don't make fun of me or I'll cut off your head. And then feed it to pigs.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
00:09 / 05.12.02
Ok, erm, sorry to be so lame but actually only you can answer your own questions. I'm getting the impression that you don't really know if you want to do this or not. This girl, you can be around her quite happily just as a friend, but you're attracted to her right? You have to work out if you really really want to go out with her or if she's just the best thing around at the moment and you mostly just care for her as a friend.

Does she like you in that way? I mean that's actually the most important thing to ask because if she does it's easy sailing in to a relationship but if you don't know then yeah you'll be risking a lot.

Usually when I'm in this kind of situation I ask my friend Chris what he thinks. Do you have a mutual (trustworthy) friend with this girl because they can probably tell you a lot that you don't realise about what's going on in your own head and in hers.
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
03:34 / 05.12.02
I think you should give up the handwringing, and try your best to let things follow their natural course. There are ways of letting her know that you are attracted to her as more than just a good friend without making it a big deal situation. Take it slowly - I think you're used to things happening so quickly that you expect a serious relationship to work on the same terms. Take it easy. If it takes a while or if it doesn't click, then don't dwell on it. Most successful monogomous relationships that I know of develop organically, often starting as friendships but evolving at a rapid clip. So you're doing okay so far, just let it happen and steer things when you can. Don't come on too strong or intense, that could really freak her out or make you seem needy.

Also, don't dwell on your past of being a "bad boyfriend", and keep your past mistakes in mind and focus on being a "good boyfriend". Let your history work for you, not against you.

I do think it might be a better idea for you to spend a decent chunk of time single, celibate, and not looking. I think that would do you wonders and you may very well find yourself in any even better situation than with your best friend after a while. It seems like you've placed a lot of importance on being with other people ("relationships of convenience") and having available sexual partners that you may gain a lot of perspective on yourself if you spend some time with yourself for a change.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
09:10 / 05.12.02
I've managed to have ill-advised relationships with friends on more than one occasion, and in each case we've remained friends afterwards. Just friends with a couple of extra private jokes. However, I've also seen it go the other way, and that ain't no kind of fun.

My advice would be- whatever happens, keep the friendship paramount. If you can do that- if you can (assuming she's up for it, as it were) BOTH do that- then you've got no problems. Well, a lot less problems, anyway.
 
 
Baz Auckland
11:07 / 05.12.02
It might be a bad idea to try and start a relationship just because you decided you want to be in one, and this friend is around...

Not that you shouldn't be in one, or want to be in one. If you like her, try it, but take it slow and see if there's anything to make a relationship out of.

On the bright side, I've had a great relationship with a former best friend. It can work!
 
 
grant
13:34 / 05.12.02
Flux is wiiiise.


The best advice I can offer is: be kind.

That said:

A. Is it a good idea to try this?

It's never a good idea.
Nevertheless, it must be done by someone somewhere. Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it.

It's not like I can't be around her without wanting to be with her. I'm content being friends. Is asking for more just plain greedy?

If you're content being friends, be friends.
My wife, she's a friend of mine.

B. How on earth do I approach her about this? In a tactful manner, that is.

I've witnessed original songs and a bottle of vodka, in close conjunction, playing critical roles in this sort of transaction.

But for me, working really slowly, actually, you know, "going out" - that was the key.
 
 
dj kali_ma
15:54 / 05.12.02
It's funny, but I find myself thinking that maybe I'm more suited to not having a relationship. Or at least anything that is commonly known as a relationship. They seem a bit dodgy to me, and everybody's emotions always get all fux0red...

...story of life, though. Go for it. The worst thing that could happen is that she'll laugh at you.

Heh.

Good luck,
::a::
 
 
The Apple-Picker
16:15 / 05.12.02
Er, no. Worse things could happen.

So I don't think that anything can happen that will make me never want to have her somewhere in my life.

But could anything happen that would make her not want to have you in her life?

I would really second (or third?) the advice to be unattached for a while. Even being pursued for romantic or physical attachment can tweak around with your noggin; pursuing does much of the same.

Take a rest, and make friends with your hand.
 
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
18:39 / 07.12.02
So slow and steady, eh? Don't push too hard? I can see the wisdom in that...

Also, don't dwell on your past of being a "bad boyfriend", and keep your past mistakes in mind and focus on being a "good boyfriend". Let your history work for you, not against you.

Easier said than done. It's kinda hard to not to dwell on the past when every relationship you've been in ended very badly, and they were all your fault. I am not on speaking terms with any of my ex-gfs.

It might be a bad idea to try and start a relationship just because you decided you want to be in one, and this friend is around...

See, that's what I'm thinking. Am I just being greedy?

So far everything adds up to "let it progress naturally, and see what happens". Alright, sounds good.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I seriously have no idea what I'm doing here, so any guidance is appreciated.
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
09:34 / 08.12.02
aphonia It's funny, but I find myself thinking that maybe I'm more suited to not having a relationship.

Hmmm, me too. Perhaps we should get together?
 
  
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