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Feel like I do this all the time around here, and know that there's alot of crap going on for other people, alot of which makes my stuff seem minor but (and can hear Angel shouting at me for saying that  I know if it was someone else I'd be telling them that there's no point setting up hierarchies of pain) I'm asking for a bit of love right now.
Feel like crap and am very scared. I know this is my own fault, as due to a bit of a slump I've run out of anti-depressants and not gone for more.. but am also seriously doubting my sanity...I've found out recently that I've probably done some pretty awful stuff to my family and the scary thing is I'm not actually sure whether I've done it or not.
The pills I'm on apparently have memory loss as a potential side effect but thinking there may be whole chunks of stuff I can't remember is really bloody frightening. Am wondering if my own assessment of my mental state as being pretty precarious has been being over-kind and that I need serious help. That if I have done the things I think i've done, something really seriously wrong is going on . Have even considered admitting myself to hospital over the last couple of days, and while I do have enough clarity to keep reminding myself that this is probably the effect of coming off my anti-depressants, it's fucking terrifying to get to this point.
I'm sick of being ill, mad, sick, unhappy - and incidentally this is why I come down so hard on people who think angst and depression make you clever/cool. They don't - the overriding feeling right now is one boredom and tedium. I've *done* this -to death. Am sick of feeling like this, of felling unable to trust myself.
There's so much I want to get on with, to do with my life. After not knowing what to do with my life *forever*, I now have so many plans and aspirations and dreams...Its so fucking frustrating getting to the point where managing to brush my teeth and make a cup of coffee feels like a major achievement. And that I know I should be being kind to myself and saying that if it's all I can manage, that's fine... but would you want to see things in those terms?
Ironically, this coming around a couple of long talks over the last day or so that have made me realise that alot of stuff that I'd taken on as being my fault and been lacerating myself over recently is actually down to other people's problems, stuff that I tried to deal with and couldn't, or wasn't allowed to. So am feeling in an odd way liberated from alot of guilt...
So swinging between these two positions, feeling like that I'm trying to sort myself out, and over the last couple of years have done so with some success, but that my progress is fucking precarious and can disappear, just like that.
Thanks for listening. This is tres self-indulgent but is a personal thing of trying to get better at asking people for kindess.
Cheers.
(Incidentally Mordant or JtB will probably tell me there's one already, but woudln't Hierarchies of Pain be a great name for a goth band? ) |
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