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Okay. There are some formatting things (i.e., centering) that the board software won't let me do, but here goes...
(SFX: The echoing ring of a metal hammer on stone—once, twice, three times)
ANNOUNCER
Jahbulon Brand Fine Pipe Tobacco presents... The Amazing Chronicles of Mason Rock!
(MUSIC: Fanfare from Die Zauberflote, up and under)
ANNOUNCER
Mason Rock, secretive hero in the battle between Good and Evil, is in reality Ambrose DeLancy, wealthy young gadabout! Beyond the doors of the Temple, no one but Letitia Myste, his lovely platonic companion, has the slightest idea that the shiftless heir to the DeLancy meat fortune is even a member of the Illuminated Order—but indeed, Ambrose is the keeper of a mystery older than the Scottish Rite whose cloak wraps him in discretion and caution!
For Mason Rock, valiant defender of all that is pure and on the level, is the holder of the Tyler’s Shield and the forgotten Mason’s Word. With these arcane acoutrements, Mason is immune to the weapons of the mundane world, and can calm the furious beasts of Chelsea with a whisper!
(SFX: Fade in London ambience—a foghorn in the distance, footsteps on cobblestones, and the tolling of Big Ben)
(MUSIC: Fanfare down—fade up theremin playing “Magic Flute” theme in minor key, weird and tremulous)
ANNOUNCER
Even now, Mason patrols the highways of the of smoky city...
MASON
Ah, the Holy City of London... so eerie in the fog of this heathen night. You can almost see the ghost of Dirty Dick, looking for Little Nell... There’s the Tower Church... The streets are deserted.
(SFX: A woman’s scream, distant)
MASON
But soft! What is this lonely cry? A woman in danger? Could any gentleman be so crass?
(SFX: Another scream)
No time to hesitate—I’ll fling my Grappler Compass across the Spire of Tower Church...
(SFX: the whoosh of rope, followed by the clink of metal on stone)
...and—swing over the rooftops! With a leap—and a bound—confound these twisting side-streets! Confound these, the bowels of East London!
(SFX: running footsteps: fade in the degenerate music and raucous voices of a distant public house)
MASON (sotto)
There! By the sign of the Whores and Horses! A woman, in struggle with a man in a wide-brimmed hat! And his face—why, he’s wearing a mask! A hideous visage, cast in bronze, that leers as if it had life!
(boldly)
Halt, villain! Heed this warning: my Shooting Pistols are trained on your head!
THE LAUGHING HAT (for it is he)
Mason R-r-r-r-rock! We meet again!
MASON
The Laughing Hat! I might have known! You’ll not elude the pitiless gaze of justice this night! Release the lady!
WOMAN
Please—he said he’d kill me if I didn’t give him the parcel—
THE LAUGHING HAT
Indeed. It appears we are stalemated, Mason Rock!
MASON
Oh, villainy!
THE LAUGHING HAT (giggles)
Spare me your noblesse oblige. I have need of the item that the young lady is carrying—and though your splendid Shooting Pistols are trained on me, my hand is at her throat. The choice is yours, Rock. Let us go, or she dies! I don’t care who gets hurt—
(SFX: a blow to the body)
—OOF!
(SFX: a woman’s running footsteps)
MASON (sotto)
She struck him! And right in his particulars, too! Willowy blonde thing that she is—she’s got pluck, for all her noble bearing! Ah, she’s making her escape, and that mysterious parcel with her.
(The LAUGHING HAT cackles horribly)
But soft! The Laughing Hat makes to flee! He’s ascended to the roof of that abbatoir.
THE LAUGHING HAT (distant)
Until nexs-s-st time, Rrr-r-r-rock!
MASON
I’ll keep my Shooting Pistols trained on the rogue—for are these normal weapons of war? Oh no! Oh no, no, no no no.
(SFX: the click of the Shooting Pistol’s safeties, the snap of the triggers—then, instead of the crackle of powder and shot, an almost imperceptible sigh)
THE LAUGHING HAT (distant)
AHHH! AHH—ahhh—ahhhhhhh... Oh... Oooh..... (trails off into soft moaning)
MASON
A direct hit! The Shooting Pistols have found their mark. There he goes, down like a street tom. But it’s not agony that brings forth those ungodly howls from beneath his disguise, but rather... ecstasy. He’ll give me no further trouble—I’ll make for that rooftop and apprehend him.
Hm. He’s crawled behind some barrels to hide himself. I say, it’s like following the sticky track of a garden snail—I shall have to wipe down my Boots of Justice before the night’s out.
(The moans and giggles of The Laughing Hat can be heard)
There you are, Laughing Hat. Your hour has come, my canny foe—but soft! What’s this? Around your neck, on a slender silver chain—a weirdly-fashioned occult symbol!
(The Laughing Hat’s moans decrease: he is gasping for breath)
Tell me where you found this, Hat! And what was your business with the young lady?
THE LAUGHING HAT (giggles and gasps)
Me... to know... Rock... ah-heh-heh-heh-heh... you... to ... ah-heh-heh-heh ... find out ...
MASON (urgently)
Hat! Laughing Hat, no!
(The Laughing Hat’s giggling ends abruptly with a gurgle)
Curse me for a fool. In an excess of caution, I loaded both barrels of both Shooting Pistols, delivering a fatal surfeit of pleasure, instead of the simply incapacitating single dose. Blast my eagerness, I have killed again, and must redeem myself the same way as last time, only more so.
(SFX: the clink of a silver chain. MUSIC begins, low and menacing.)
What is this cryptic pendant he was wearing, I wonder. So fragile and delicate, surely it could only belong to... a woman?
(SFX: high-heeled shoes on cobblestones.)
Wait—there’s someone— that figure in the mist— who—
(SFX: a blow to the body)
—UNGH!!
(MUSIC up full—discordant stinger chords resolve into the “Queen of the Night” theme, in strings and pennywhistle—then under...)
ANNOUNCER
Ambrose DeLancy returns to consciousness in the drawing room of his stately estate, to find the lovely Letitia Myste leaning over him, her fair face awash with tears of concern...
LETITIA
Why, Ambrose! Whatever happened? Are you all right? I was frightfully worried.
AMBROSE
Yes, my dear, I shall be fine directly. But how did I get here?
LETITIA
A taxi brought you. He said he’d found you in the street near Whitechapel, with no shoes on.
AMBROSE
Found me—? Or found... Mason Rock?
LETITIA
You were in your ordinary clothes when they brought you in. But see! Your feet are frightfully scratched and bruised. Whatever can it mean?
AMBROSE
It means that Mason Rock has been robbed.
LEITITIA
Your Boots of Justice?
AMBROSE
Mason Rock’s Boots of Justice. The very same.
LETITIA
Can you remember what happned to you—what happened to Mason Rock?
AMBROSE
I—there was a scuffle with the Laughing Hat, and then a burst of blonde pain, and the sweet kiss of unconsciousness.
LETITIA
Your assailant was a woman?
AMBROSE
Indeed. She must have taken the pendant, as well as—oh, no.
LETITIA
What is it, dearest?
AMBROSE
Look. The concealed holsters beneath my waistcoat—empty!
LETITIA
Your Shooting Pistols!
AMBROSE
Precisely. Mason Rock’s Boots of Justice will be no use to his feminine foe, but in her perfumed hands the Shooting Pistols would be more than deadly—they could corrupt the minds of a whole city!
(MUSIC: “Die Zauberflote” fanfare up and under)
ANNOUNCER
The Amazing Chronicles of Mason Rock will continue in a moment. But first...
After Mason Rock fires off his Shooting Pistols, there’s nothing he likes more than a smooth, soothing draw off his pipe. But in these trying times, a good smoke can be hard to find at an affordable price. After all, who wants to give Johnny Turk the leg up?
That’s why Jahbulon Brand Fine Pipe Tobacco is your best choice. Slow-burning, sweet, and easy on the draw, Jahbulon Brand is the smoke for times like these. And with our special blend of Cuban and American tobaccos, Jahbulon Brand Fine Pipe Tobacco is the square deal choice!
So get more for your ration coupons. Talk to your tobacconist about Jahbulon Brand Fine Pipe Tobaccos.
And remember, Ambrose DeLancy may be able to afford black-market Turkish shag—but it’s Jahbulon Mundungus in Mason Rock’s hookah!
We now return to “The Amazing Chronicles of Mason Rock!" |
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