The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics of My Life

tom-karika nukes it from orbit

17:29 / 30.10.02

God gave us life,
God gave us life,
God gave us life,
So that we could take sweets
From strange men in big cars
And get driven to the woods to stroke,
Non-existent puppies.

10:19 / 31.10.02

Whoooooooooooo the fucking hell are slipknot
In relation to me getting out of bed?

Sax

10:39 / 31.10.02

So he sent his doting mother up the stairs with the stepladder
To get the Subbuteo out of the loft
He had all the accessories required for that big match atmosphere
The crowd and the dugouts, and the floodlights too.

11:43 / 31.10.02

That's why I've never liked the mini,
That's why I'm into Sleater Kinney,
Bottleneck at Cappel Cyreg,
Neil Morrisey's a knobhead!

Sax

12:39 / 31.10.02

Unemployment's rising at the Chigley end of town.

12:51 / 31.10.02

I'm a sensitive outsider,

And I want the whole world to know.

12:57 / 31.10.02

A vender of quack nostrums,
Born in a Kansas shack
I hiked to Greenwich Village,
with a tea-chest on my back
I danced a bit for Andy,
And I crashed his Cadillac,
So don't you try and rock me, daddio

Oh, does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?
When your mother says don't do it, do you crank it up in spite?
Do you steal your brother's giro?, do you talk a load of shite?
Does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?

21:56 / 31.10.02

There's one last favour that I ask of you,
See that my bike's kept clean.

07:48 / 01.11.02

Now I try to pick my life up
Now I go and pick my wife up
She works at Marks and Spencers
La la la Lech Walesa's

11:35 / 01.11.02

We've got lo-fi, we've got tie-dye, we've got red and brown and black,
We've got stickers on guitars, we've got a tape for a Steve Lamacq,
we've got a celibate lead singer, we've got Sebadoh tour dates,
But what ain't we got?
We ain't got mates.

15:11 / 01.11.02

God I could murder a Cadbury's Flake
But then I guess you wouldn't let me into heaven
Though maybe you would 'cos their adverts promote oral sex
Some Romany bint in a field with her paints
Suggesting we faint at her beauty
But she's got... DICKIE DAVIES EYES!!!

And all those people who you romantically like to still believe are alive are dead
So I'll wipe my snot on the arm of your chair while you put another Roger Dean poster on the wall

07:48 / 02.11.02

Irk the purists,
Irk the purists,
Ir the purists it's a right good laugh.

Irk the purists,
Irk the purists,
Irk the purists in the bath.

09:13 / 02.11.02

Give a philosophy student a glass of limeade
And he'll say "is this a glass of limeade?"
And then he'll say "why is this a glass of limeade?"
And after a while he'll die of thirst.

09:14 / 04.11.02

(could've sworn that was "and after a while, he'll get a first".. "die of thirt"'s much funnier though..)

Out of curiosity,
I phoned up Yogi Bear,
And asked him what petrified forests see,
That makes them all so scared

10:51 / 05.11.02

I fancy I'll open a stationers,
Sell quaint notepads to weekend pagans,
While you were out at the Roll-Right Stones,
I came and set fire to your shed

14:51 / 06.11.02

But we can tolerate his crimes 'cause he's never done a secret gig.

You better knock three times if you wanna see the secret gig.

10:55 / 07.11.02

I possess the mild air of a retail tobacconist.

That becuase I'm a retail tobacconist

But the mayflies on a Berkshire trout river

would probably tell you a differetn story

About ham-fisted diadems and momentary daydreams

And mythical dividends and illusory boardroom seats.

22:08 / 14.03.04

But even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch
Even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch
It generates a warmth around the ground that augurs well for mankind
And that's what life's about

■

06:52 / 15.03.04

I

HATE

NERYS

HUGHES!

and don't forget there is nothing better in life than drawing on the bottom of your slipper with a biro.

Never or Now!

06:58 / 15.03.04

Trouble is these days you never see a dog on the pitch

trouser the trouserian

08:14 / 15.03.04

If music be the food of love are you the indigestion?

09:09 / 15.03.04

Did you play in the Garden of Eden?
Were the goalkeeper's gloves to you tossed?
For I truly believe you're the reason,
You're the reason that Paradise Lost.

Never or Now!

11:30 / 15.03.04

Bin-men, thin men, lexicographers -
Squid yes, not so octopus.

trouser the trouserian

11:51 / 15.03.04

Everybody's doing the Len Gamley Stance....

15:36 / 15.03.04

I've been goading,
D-list Paul Ross for a laugh,
by unloading,
outside what he'd call his "gaff",
old fridge-freezers,
doors all removed like we're told,
his face at the window on waking,
a sight to behold

Never or Now!

16:53 / 15.03.04

A mistake has been made
It's a fact they can't hide
Though I'm partly to blame
It cannot be denied
There ain't no use defending
It seems I've been tending
The wrong grave for 23 years.

20:12 / 15.03.04

fifty sea cadets are sailing,
to a place that no one sails to,
they'll probably raise five grand
there but for the grace of riot grrl go you,
so give what you can..