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The Peculiar Priapic Adventures of Catullus LaJoie, Inadvertent Porn Star
It could safely be said by even the most circumspect of observers that Catullus LaJoie was a man to whom things happened. On the day of his birth – an eventful one indeed for most of us who shuffle onto this mortal coil in the traditional manner – he was surprised and mystified to find his hours-old self riding in a suitcase in the back of a speeding French taxicab, the passenger of which was under the mistaken impression that the package containing Catullus was a consignment of heroin en route for the Cayman Islands. Undeterred by hi hot’s appalling error of judgement, Catullus remained philosophical about the whole affair until the aeroplane reached thirteen hundred feet and soft mewling sounds were heard to emerge from the hold.
Catullus, then, never had the need – or ironically, any desire - to go in search of adventure. No matter where he hid, how dull the backwater or uneventful the occupation, adventure would always find him out eventually, barging down the door in the company of a couple of hefty Italian gentlemen, or bursting unannounced into his bathroom wearing nothing but a short squirrelskin coat and an embarrassed expression. Catullus had become used to these little incidents over the years and, until his twenty-fifth birthday, was able to take them in his stride.
It was at the age of twenty-five that the Fates – which, as may be gathered from the above, had always taken an especial interest in our young hero - decided to throw the young gent another curve ball, in the shape of what might simply be termed – Temptation. Catullus had, as many young men of his generation are apt to, a steady girlfriend with whom he had been enjoying connubial nothings for some five years when the new development in his destiny arose. It was a peculiarly cruel thing, but so mote it be – the Gods themselves had decreed that Catullus – a man of delicate sensibilities and loyal, honourable heart – was rom now on an Inadvertant Porn Star.
The first time it happened, Catullus was in the local library, leafing through the Wodehouse section in search of “Right Ho, Jeeves” or a similarly stimulating volume. A young lady sidled up to him and gave him to understand that she was in search of love craft. Before he could direct her to the fantasy and sci-fi section, however, she had taken off her plain-glass spectacles, shaken down a shower of brittle blonde hair, and was asking him whether a most private part of his anatomy was on reserve.
“Er …” stammered Catullus, looking around desperately for an assistant.
“I read on the wall you can take out any volume for up to three weeks,” purred his assailant. “I don’t think it’s going to take that long, stud,”
“Um –“
She pouted pinkly and began to remove her nylon-and-velcro blouse. Catullus quailed and looked away, before sneaking a quick glance back. She licked her lipgloss.
“They won’t fine me, will they, if I return you a little ….overdue?”
TO BE CONTINUED! |
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