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The idiots you work for

12:31 / 17.10.02

I've been assigned a particularly galling chore this morning at work. It's a reformat job of a presentation one of our salepeople, who works out of a satellite office, has been giving to investors for a few months. I've got to make it match our corporate look and feel, which is usually a fairly easy job and offers the chance to stretch the boundaries of what's acceptable. I don't usually mind this kind of work.

However, this guy....this presentation is so incredibly cheesy, bad and wrong, and he's insisted to my boss that all of his animations and sounds stay in. Which just baffles me, as this guy can't be impressing anyone with this crap. For example, here's the first slide

[title] The Cosmology of Investing
[Text, which swoops in] At the Beginning, there was a Big Bang when the Wealth appeared…and there were Billions and Billions of Investment Opportunities …and there was chaos in the Investment Universe

Then, when you click the mouse, a sound plays and five astronomical images appear - supernovae, galaxy clusters, spiral galaxy, etc.

Literally hundreds of millions of dollars are at stake here, and this guy is just begging for jokes comparing this company to Luke Skywalker.

12:43 / 17.10.02

Sounds like an episode of The Office, maybe you should make your own version of it and try and convince him that its more suitable?

13:01 / 17.10.02

A satellite office

That's no moon.

13:04 / 17.10.02

I'd like to say I worked for the Empire, but I don't, really. There are a lot of "Vaders" around, but that's just cuz my company's owned by the Dutch.

13:13 / 17.10.02

A satellite office

That's no moon

I have to say that this is the funniest thing I have read here.

DTET: I think the only thing for it is for you to make the presentation even cheesier.

13:20 / 17.10.02

I was about to suggest that, go crazy with aliens and clients and UFO's - it'll be great.

13:26 / 17.10.02

I thought about it but you know who will get the blame when, rather than if, the whole thing bombs. That editing guy. He changed everything, it was perfect beforehand.

(thank you, HIR, I blame the coffee)

13:28 / 17.10.02

My boss just nixed adding the Death Star in...

13:32 / 17.10.02

Then ensure that you mention the project being powered by Microsith.

The Return Of Rothkoid

14:07 / 17.10.02

Um, not wanting to pour cold water on anyone here, but really, really be careful posting stuff that could identify you at your job. NOt for the stalking aspect, but because getting your ass fired is easier than you would image. Seriously. Access logs and ability to see stuff in threads that relates to yr job = not a lot of fun.

Trust me.

14:15 / 17.10.02

Moderator -

Please make the following changes to my initial post:

Change the title to - Those super guys and gals who pay my salary;

Change the body of the post to read:

Gee wilikers, I've got a super project to work on today!!!!! I'm reformatting this kick-ass presentation one of our top-notch sales force came up from, and he's done so much great work there's hardly anything for me to do! It's got some really cool animations of the big bang! There's this completely original and exciting metaphor about how finance is like astronomy - I'm not too educated on either subject, so it's a little over my head. How cool is that? And the sounds it makes are attention getting for sure. I'm sure he'll make the company tons of money with it, leading to better work conditions for yours truly. I love my job, and the people I work for.

The Return Of Rothkoid

23:53 / 17.10.02

Ha.

I'm just saying to be careful, is all. I've been fucked by posting online before, and I wouldn't want it to happen to anyone else here. Feel free to disbelieve me if you like, but any of the London Barbeloids will well remember my drawn-out tale and attendant whinging.

But hey, what the fuck would I know?

23:56 / 17.10.02

No, you're right w/r/t being careful about Internet use at work, and I appreciate your concern. I remember your story and meant no disrespect by the above. But I feel safe as none of the sentiments I expressed above are exactly secret to my direct bosses.

00:25 / 18.09.03

Taking Rothkoid's comments regarding safe posting in the workplace into consideration, I would still like to question the judgement of any person who considers four-inch tan drop caps fetching. Do you see me trying to design research protocols? Do you see me trying to get into meetings with clientele? No, because I haven't mistaken myself for a researcher or or liaison. Why do higher-ups assume that their position also qualifies them to perform the tasks of everyone under them on the ladder? Please leave writing to writers, design to designers, etc.

05:27 / 18.09.03

Would anyone mind if I talk about the idiots...

ahem

I used to work for?

OH MIGOD! ! ! ! ! ! !

"Did ya' hear that?!"

"Did ya' hear that?!"

"From seven o'clock in the evening..."

XING!

"And we're just like a...

1,2,3,4,...ah yes sir, yes sir...ah...

like a tit on the globe

ah yes sir."

What a BURN

"A tiny little speck.

And puh-puh-power, man

that it's ridiculous.

And we've got so much.

Power.

ah...let's see...

1,2,3,4...

That it's ridiculous."

"Is there any ESCAPE?"

dead dog mod gone played the role of the nutter:

"I see them everywhere--do you hear me?! Everywhere!"

And then the Dr. says:

"There-there Mrs. Ah-rect. angular. Just...lie back on the couch."

"CAR BOMB! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"

*/

\*

This Negativland flavoured "where's my da-da?" brand SPAM (slimey chunks sliced from Escape From Noise):

The spam that fits the pits and falls, but isn't so nice on ice or in front of the eyes!

Has been regurgitated by the fine people at

T.R.W.

You may not like our products, but

we
L.O.V.E.
U! ! !

[oh the huevous of some people i'm board now perhaps even a plank]

T.R.W.

We'll build you a little fry house.

Tryphena Absent

08:06 / 18.09.03

My boss is better than yours! *waves to boss*

08:18 / 18.09.03

Todd: Couldn't you state at the beginning that 'I can't take any credit for this presentation; it was conceived in its entirety by X', thus disassociating yourself. Then, ideally, read it in an ever-so-slightly sarcastic voice.

Tryphena Absent

08:45 / 18.09.03

I've been fucked by posting online before

Whoah Rothkoid, too much information!

The Return Of Rothkoid

09:23 / 18.09.03

Only if I posted that I'd be fucked because of online posting. But that'd get back into a barbelove thread, and nobody wants that...

Tan drop-caps? Let me guess: they started the row of text with an I, didn't they? Bane of my fucking life, that I.

09:40 / 18.09.03

It's just possible, Todd, that they gave you the job of redesigning the presentation to match the look-n-feel of your company as a quiet warning to this salesman to stop being such a turd toucher. Like, they may not expect you to really improve it that much. The Dutch are a very rational people, you know. They can probably see that you did your best with a bad situation, like when you see a good actor in a bad movie and say, "Well it was shit but he did his best."

Let's talk about my boss, which is nobody, in spite of the fact that I've been worn out my good suit looking for work this summer. What makes me so fucking unemployable that I can't get work at the grocery store?

Surely it's not the twitchy eye, or the greasy mallet that falls out of my briefcase whenever I go in there for a pen? I mean, that would be prejudicial. That kind of thing is illegal!

11:02 / 18.09.03

I work for the government. Nuff said.

11:33 / 18.09.03

man, my bosses are awesome. the worst complaint I have is I was promised tickets to a really megapricey fancy symphony and dinner that didn't appear on the day of said event. I was annoyed, but at least I wasn't all dressed up when I realized it.

I would definitely find a way to distance yourself from any credit for that mess. is there someone above you whose input you could get (like, someone who could reasonably veto the whole damn thing) on the matter without looking like you're not competent enough to deal on your own?

11:53 / 18.09.03

Wow, I posted that a year ago! The presentation in question was unceremoniously buried, thank Christ, and since then we've gotten not 1 but 2 new corporate looks. But in general, my jobby job is ok. Can't complain.

Yesterday, my boss asked me to open her bottle of seltzer, because she couldn't get it open. I did so, and it sprayed all over me.

11:54 / 18.09.03

damnit. that's what happens when you don't read dates.

13:20 / 18.09.03

At the bar I work at, Saturday night is jazz night. This means: jazz dudes. Do you understand me? There are people who like jazz. Even I like jazz. And then there are jazz dudes. Not fun.

13:21 / 18.09.03

I imagine they all have ponytails. True/not true?

18:01 / 18.09.03

Im griping about my non-bosses.

They dont want someone who lives out of town, because of "unreliability". I cant get a flat in town until i get a job.
Equally, they want you to have experience of whatever sector of work they're in. You cant get a job in the first place to gain experience.

And I'm griping about benefits agencies. I can get a jobseekers allowance; im under 18. I cant get child benefit; im over 16. I cant get income support; because im looking for a job.

Everywheres hell-bent on keeping me poor.

18:09 / 18.09.03

Rothkoid asks: "Tan drop-caps? Let me guess: they started the row of text with an I, didn't they? Bane of my fucking life, that I. "

You're psychic. Who the hell does design in Word anyway? And don't get me started on how Courier needs to be deleted from every computer in this building.

Whisky Priestess

19:39 / 18.09.03

%Fortunately%, nobody has any internet access at all at my current job, for security reasons, so I am unlikely to get stuffed for posting ...

So far the job ain't so bad - but the hilarious thing is that when you're the new girl everyone gets you alone to put in sly digs about the others. One of the ditziest people has been there 6 years and can barely operate a PC. Everything is handwritten. It is almost physically painful. We have to go through everything she does and check it (this is pretty much in the job description!) otherwise terrible mistakes are made, rooms are double-booked, Important People miss their lunches and all poo comes down on our heads.

I love the universal assumption that whenever a bad thing happens, it must be the fault of the new person - the new person who is hypervigilant because they know they're on probation, rather than that of the long-timer who takes two-hour lunch breaks, can't spell or count, and locks herself in meeting rooms that might, just might, be needed for big deals with High Net Worth individuals.