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Pardon me, you're standing on my vertebrae

Less searchable M0rd4nt

00:49 / 12.10.02

I hate rows. Just hate'em. Confrontation bugs me, like an itch, or a really bad cramp. I'll go to quite ludicrous lengths to avoid getting in a barney with someone. On the plus side, this means that I'm not one of those wankers who starts pointless rows for fun, adopting a contentious position purely for the sake of contention.

On the minus side, I find myself getting tied in all sorts of knots as my conflictophobia and my integrity vie for control. I find myself going along with harebrained schemes, putting up with insults, ignoring blatantly obvious bullshit, and failing time after time to stand up for people or principles that are important to me.

So: futile wind-up merchant versus utter invertebrate. I thought I saw some middle ground around here somewhere. Anyone got a map?

01:32 / 12.10.02

Mordant...spineless?

These 2 words don't seem to fit into a sentence from my POV.

Nothing wrong with avoiding conflict Mordant, but sometimes a little struggle can prove worthwhile. It is probably unhealthy to let anyone walk all over you, anyway. Integrity on the other hand can mean resolving conflict by confrontation. I do not mean ass-whooping confrontation, but two people with integrity making a conscious decision to work out a solution.

I don't have a map but sometimes I stop and ask for directions.

MT

07:14 / 12.10.02

I too hate confrontation but I have learned to divide situations into business and personal. Business issues I can deal with quite effectively and assertively - the 'I appreciate this isn't your fault, but you must see my position with your company pissing me off, I'm not going away 'til this is sorted' line usually works pretty well, and I really don't like shouting at the wrong people so I tend not to do it. But personal stuff is difficult. I would much rather talk even serious shit over than shout about it, but I think that's got me a bit of a 'doormat' reputation, because when I do point out something I'm not happy with, I tend to get told to fuck off. Perhaps it's my approach, or else there's not many people in this world who are capable of just saying 'sorry', although saying that, a woman apologised to me the other day for something she did years ago to me, and it made me quite sniffly. Hugs all round.

But I'm still (perhaps quite childishly) of the opinion that someone shouting at me means they must hate me, and I'm not sure I'll ever get away from that.

Much better to sort things out over a pint. Or a coffee. That Mr Bush should take note!

07:22 / 12.10.02

Everybody's entitled to my opinion. That's an attitude that gets me into more arguments than I'd like to have.
I don't really like rowing with people but I will if they offend me. For me, it's really just a case of whether the issue is important enough. If someone is trying to tell me that the blue cup is better than the red one and I don't agree, I'll tend to let it go but if they try something outrageous along the lines of "Anybody with AIDS deserves it because they must be gay" then I'll positively freak out at them and end up in a screaming match if I have to.
The only problem with this is that some people have realised this and think it's funny to bait me. They say crzy things just to get a rise out of me and I hate to admit it but often they succeed. I've since learnt that these people should just be ignored so now I've just got to focus on recognising them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is don't go looking for an argument but don't let people get away with being idiots without them knowing.

22:29 / 13.10.02

I am not making this up:

Last night/morning, I woke up with a start and sat up in bed. There was a stranger in my apartment. He was out of his head on something, and when asked what the fuck he was doing there, he mumbled something incoherent about needing to use the bathroom.

...

Well, yeah, I let him--but I looked at him very crossly beforehand!

(and that's the story of how I learned to never, EVER forget to lock a door)

We're The Great Old Ones Now

07:58 / 14.10.02

You once pointed me the right direction, MC. Disagree. Gently. Never raise your voice, never get cross. Stick to what you mean, don't get drawn into side issues which wind you up. Keep what you want in mind all the time, keep pulling your points back to that.

11:43 / 14.10.02

Passive-aggression. As Nick indicates, it's the only way...

16:03 / 14.10.02

I could be a sifu in the kung fu of passive aggression.

Loathe confrontation. Loathe it.

But am getting better, thanks to domesticity and a neighbor who came into my yard to kill some of my plants.

Bah!

We're The Great Old Ones Now

16:21 / 14.10.02

Gee, thanks, 'Nesh, now I feel a whole lot better about myself.

There surely has to be a way of remaining calm and being reasonable and making your point without being 'passive-aggressive'? Or is that just one of those impossible things, and we should all sit back and just yell?

Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero

17:58 / 14.10.02

Nah, man, it's so easy once you learn how. You just need lots of practice. Growing up in the south, I would regularly be approached by well meaning Christians trying to save my soul by telling me all other religions were created by Satan to decieve us and anything outside the trinity was a sin. I learned how to stay calm and collected and present my arguements logically and to point out whatever flaws in their argument as gently as possible. Naturally, people will try to take advantage of your soft speech and will cut you off all the time to get their two cents in over and over (as if I didn't understand them the first three times). But being so softspoken just provides that much more shock when you say "LET ME FINISH." very very forcefully.

As far as physical intimidation goes, living in Detroit has taught me plenty. Most people (outside Detroit, anyway) also want to avoid a physical confrontation, and back down when you hint that it may come to that. Who likes getting hit in the face? No one. Most people will do whatever they can to avoid it. And if some asshole is purposely goading you to get you to throw a punch? Those guys you can just hit with a chair when their back is turned and throw him a boot party. Hey, he knew the risks of pissing random strangers off...

21:04 / 14.10.02

I love confrontation. It's about one of my 3 favourite things. There's enough pricks who'll say things to warrant it, too.

General perception would have it, I believe, that if you're being 'attacked' in whatever fashion, and you fail to make a stand, you're, as they call it in Edinburgh, 'a soft cunt'.

That said, I don't go looking for it, except with my best friends (verbally, that is.) Perverse, eh?

21:08 / 14.10.02

Also, bad feelings left (to me) unvocalised will fester, and grow more intense over time.

23:38 / 14.10.02

A few people love us, a few people hate us, and the rest just don't care as long as we're not driving too slow in front of them. With that in mind I've learned to say what I need to in order to feel OK with myself. I'm neither a doormat nor a brawler. As to those few that I just cannot escape nor get along with; I'll just outlive the bastards.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

23:49 / 14.10.02

I'm a wuss when it comes to confrontation. I'll do anyhting to avoid an argument/fight.

I'm not above going round and shoving shit through someone's letterbox, though...