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Lessons on how to disagree with the one you love.

The Apple-Picker

15:44 / 09.10.02

I could use some help. For the past seven months, or thereabouts--for the first time in my life--I've been in a romantic relationship that I can consider mature and respectful and, in most ways, healthy. The problem is that I disagree with him a lot, what I perceive to be a great heaping hunk of a lot. He doesn't seem to mind at all when we disagree; he seems very detached from the arguments. I, however, am impassioned. I get extremely upset and angry and offended.

This typically happens in almost all disagreements into which I enter, and it's debilitating there, too, but not nearly so much as when I disagree with this man.

What's going on here? Do you have advice to help me get control of myself?

16:19 / 09.10.02

I can totally relate to this Apple.

There has to be some compromise, this cannot all be your fault.

Yes, you should try to remember this is only discussion and opinion and he is entitled to his own, but certainly, he should be sensitive also.

Does he taunt you? Is he provocative just to get a rise out of you?

I say cuff 'em! That usually shuts them up.
(only half-joking)

The Apple-Picker

16:34 / 09.10.02

No no no. He doesn't taunt me, and he doesn't provoke me. I will come to a point where I know that I can't discuss a particular issue in a particular moment anymore because I'm afraid I'll explode--I'll tell him that I won't talk about it anymore, and he'll keep talking about it. But that's not a frequent occurance.

While I understand that not everything is about me, I'm pretty sure I'm the problem here.

Yes, you should try to remember this is only discussion and opinion and he is entitled to his own. Thanks. I do realize that, but somehow knowing it in the head does not keep my adrenaline from spiking.

Cuffs work, do they?

16:44 / 09.10.02

Hugs! Do you have a sense about what offends you? Are you not being heard? Do you feel manipulated? Is it that you're not making progress - feeling like you're arguing with a rock?

If you're both pretty strong and confident in your relationship, you might want to try an experiment - set up ground rules that you get to rant and scream and say anything for exactly five minutes (set a timer!!) and he's not allowed to interrupt, not allowed any response other than "I hear you" or something like that, and he's not allowed any sort of retaliation afterwards - make a safe setting for you to blow off steam, and see if it helps you feel better about being in disagreement.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

17:19 / 09.10.02

Ugh. "I hear you"? That's the kind of thing psychologists say to their kids. Usually produces smiling villains.

Apple-Picker, are we talking about discussions about public or personal issues? Or just all issues? If the last, is it techniques and tones of discussion which annoy you, or the simple fact that this person doesn't share your view?

There's nothing wrong with getting heated in a discussion - the bad thing is when you get mean with the other person and start calling them a fascist or a monster or whatever. Unless they're being a fascist or a monster, in which case, frankly, you're better off not loving 'em.

More data, please.

17:24 / 09.10.02

Hmm, I was given some advice recently, (because believe it or not, I can be a hothead, heh), I was told to count to ten when I feel like my passions are out of control. NOw I know we have all heard this, but it really does work. Believe me, the person who gave me this advice could watch mountains erode so, I trust his tips on patience.

This is all good for me to think about but, I know, it is hard to put into practice. I often try to make myself laugh at myself or the situation to allow myself relief.

MT

19:06 / 09.10.02

the trouble is that arguments go two ways - you both have to be aware and respectful of the other persons limits. while I dont think you should utterly steer clear of them, you need to pick your true battles wisely. my boy and I would fight - a lot - but over the course of time we've begun to learn what sets the other off, at which point to back off and for how long, and how to better communicate to avoid the language and "fighting tactics" that upset the other. it took a while, but every argument - and more and more now every avoided argument - gets us closer to the point where we can discuss our differences rationally and calmly, without either one of us ending up hurt or angry.

you need to argue, work things out verbally. I think that if you both truly, honestly care about the other ones feelings and thoughts, over time youll both learn the least painful way to do it

in the meantime, examine what hes saying that gets you so pissed - is he using inflammatory language, or are you being overly sensitive because of the subject matter, or...?

The Apple-Picker

19:18 / 09.10.02

He's respectful of my limits. The arguments often have to do with public issues. Thank you all for your advice. It's under control now. I get it now.

19:43 / 09.10.02

Ugh. "I hear you"? That's the kind of thing psychologists say to their kids. Usually produces smiling villains.

It works on me --not exactly "I hear you," but what the 7 Habits guy calls "empathic listening." It seems so manipulative when you talk about it, but it is --actually-- effective. On me. Because I had a huge problem with thinking that Husb was never listening to me; and finally he said that he was too listening to me, he just wasn't appearing to listen to me. WELL THAT'S JUST GREAT. So we (both) started doing this empathic listening, it felt dumb at first & then it felt natural.

But anyway if Apple-Picker you've decided that you want to work on your responses, then you might want to take a philosophical approach --in the sense of choosing your responses based on what you believe. Like, I believe a bunch of stuff about how knowable other people are & that my project is to figure out other people. Which means listening, asking questions, repeating back what you've heard said to see that you've got it right, and not so much stating your own positions. This sounds sort of pathological, but I feel pretty happy & I feel like it keeps the stuff in my head pretty fresh and turned over.

You'll be wanting to keep in mind that yours truly was involved in an argument that ended up in screaming and crying over whether pancakes made with Aunt Jemima pancake mix were better than Bisquick. But that was before.