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Letting them down easy

nutella23

16:30 / 03.10.02

So...you've been friends with someone for a while and all of a sudden they express an extreme attraction to you. Problem is, you're just not interested. You're not attracted to them, you don't want to ruin the friendship, you've got someone else in your sights, some combination of the above...you get the idea.

Problem is, the person who is attracted to you is on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster right now, and you don't want to make things worse. And yet, the subject must be broached. Subtlety is most definetely NOT working. Since you're seeing people, its becoming more and more of a headache.

Suggestions?

w1rebaby

17:43 / 03.10.02

Look. You know the only way is to be blunt/direct. So do we. The question is how and where, and you're the only person who can answer that. All we can do is say "ferchristsakes do it, and do it now!" which doesn't really make it much easier.

Blunt/direct. That sounds like a great home delivery service.

Give us a bit more information about the person & situation and we could try to come up with a really cunning plan...

Murray Hamhandler

19:56 / 03.10.02

Would have to agree with blunt/direct. Most assuredly not the easiest route (and probably the most immediately painful on the receiving end), but best in the long run. You don't want your friend to continue thinking there's a chance, do you?

Mazarine

21:05 / 03.10.02

Having been the rollercoastery overly affectionate in the wrong way friend, I can only third what the others say: Blunt, and now. You have to annihilate all hope. And if you wait to do so, your friend will feel led on, even if you didn't. Lead. Hir on.

angel

07:50 / 04.10.02

Can I also suggest that you lead with something along the lines of "I love and respect you enough to tell you that I'm not attracted to you in that way".

That way you are boosting their self confidence (ie telling them that you really like them as a friend) but also being honest with them, which (in theory) should boost their confidence and trust in you.

All in all be gentle but firm. You want to be honest and true with this person, not dash them into a thousand pieces. But also you are only responsble to them up to a point. You cannot take responsibility for the way they react to what you have to tell them.

It's a tough thing to have to do, and yes I do have personal experience on both sides of this particular scenario (oh the shame, oh the embarassment!) but do not doubt it is the right thing to do.

Lilith Myth

07:59 / 04.10.02

I'm more girl about this: blunt/direct, sure, but blunt/direct/gentle is the way to go. Maybe refrain from the "it's not you, it's me" line, it never helps.

Really like angel's suggestion. Or something like "I value our friendship enough to want it to last..."

Truth is, there's no easy way to do this. They're just gonna be all "but we're such good friends, why don't you fancy me" and you're gonna be all "I really like you, just as friends." Good luck, though.

nutella23

15:29 / 04.10.02

Thanks for the feedback. Its not going to be easy, but I've decided to tell her that as a friend, I value her presence in my life and want to continue to do so, but that taking this relationship to a completely different level just isn't possible; I cannot reciprocate her feelings towards me and I need her to be able to accept that.

Yeesh. I hate the way that sounds. But its true...I know, I know--time to "rip the bandaid off". This weekend is going to suck.

angel

16:54 / 04.10.02

nutella, for what it's worth (and that may be nothing!) I think you have expressed things just right.

Be ready to accept that she is going to have a hard time dealing with this and don't judge her for it. You know why she's behaving the way she is, just stand firm. Kind but firm! Honest, she'll hate you at first, but she'll respect you all the more later when her rational head is on and you'll be much richer for it.

Just remember that when she's ranting and raving. It'll help.

Much love and best wishes, good luck!

Murray Hamhandler

17:02 / 04.10.02

Right. You might want to leave out the "I don't want to spoil the friendship" bit, as well. Because that has a tendency to translate into, "I mean, how could we still be friends if I actually had to, you know, touch you and stuff? That's just too gross to even think about. Brrr..."

Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero

17:04 / 04.10.02

All in all be gentle but firm. You want to be honest and true with this person, not dash them into a thousand pieces.

The thousand pieces thing is going to happen regardless. It always does, no matter how you phrase it. There is no way around it. You are going to hurt them, and in all probability you are going to hurt them very badly.

But don't let that stop you from being blunt and direct. I've been through this on more than one occasion, and it's the best way to go. All the others are way to messy.

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