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Bio Attack Warning

21:26 / 01.10.02

It seems like a large number of uk citizens are already infected with this lethal, yet unsuspicious disease. It is delivered by contact from badgers, that happens whilst the victim is asleep. The effects are at first subtle. It starts with excessive Soap viewing, accompanied by a craving for microwave meals, sometimes with a giveaway rash. But then it progresses to the compulsive purchasing of mail order gadgetry, and extremely bad popular magazines, by this time the rash is usually spreading, as is general body mass. Ultimately the end result is nocturnal expolsion, but there are numerous other stages in between. It is highly contagious, so I warn you to consider how many of your acquaintances may be in the early or mid stage?

Less searchable M0rd4nt

07:24 / 02.10.02

One of the cruellest effects of this disease is to attack an area of the brain known as McDonald's Lesser Aubergine. If this area is destroyed, the victim becomes obsessed with naff and overpriced garden ornaments. In the later stages, sufferers may be seen in the vicinity of garden centers and DIY superstores, gazing at cross-eyed white plastic squirrels and saying "Ooh, wouldn't that look nice on our lawn? And it's only £65!"

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:23 / 02.10.02

There was a report recently of an outbreak in Wigan, affecting almost a hundred people. It was all traced back to one man, a double-glazing salesman. By the time they found the poor wretch, he had collected almost the entire Lilliput Lane collection of tiny china houses. And he had a plate with Princess Di on it, too.

23:11 / 02.10.02

In the small, sleepy, village of Wootten Wawen, in Histowic Warwick, almost every inhabitant is smitten. Fortunately one of them has set up a support group. Sufferers meet weekly to discuss the items they feel ashamed to have found themselves purchasing in the previous week, and once a month the bravest of them brings along a particularly tacky item to smash during group. Most of them feel they are benefitting greatly from this holistic therapy, but some fail to attend because they cannot drag themselves away from Corrie and Emmerdale. A few backsliders pop outside at break for a quick Big Mac.

NewPickettywitch

23:33 / 02.10.02

A recollection: "Well, Maggie got me sprung from Colney Hatch up Whetstone near as '88. I had no family to speak of and took to a boarding family's house. This would have been in winter of that year or the next. Back then, the mother and father of the house went to Towie Barclay for Hogmanay. Most of us as was left could look after theirselves, but I thought an awful number of us was talking about being bitten by a badger then. I thought an awful number of us must have been out of our medicines because the lot of us was talking about how we were planning on being bitten. Now me, I don't have no like nor dislike for 'em, but they can bite sure as dancers go on up. No more than a day after I received me ratnip in bum, I got interested in all them soaps like Emmerdole and the Westenders. I stole some divvy's money and sent for something I saw in catalogue, even though I don't know if I stole the right amount. And he's right about magazines and the rash. I had a rash about the size of Country Life on my back. I wouldn't have known it was there except I fell out the window with no clothes on and everyone saw. I remember that winter was hard, what with us all being so sick and blaps. And things ain't changed so much now neither..."

00:31 / 03.10.02

This reminds me of the explosive verbal diarrhoea outbreak that happened in north east victoria a couple of years ago. It actually re-routed your intestinal tract to your mouth. Brought new meaning to the phrase 'talking shit'.

They had to lock people in their houses until the infection passed. It was horrific.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:12 / 03.10.02

This just in- apparently someone's just been seen in Hackney buying a copy of "The People's Friend Yearbook"... citizens are advised to be alert, and encase themselves in lead if at all practical.

NewPickettywitch

17:13 / 03.10.02

Oh, it's been worse here in Arkham. The high winds and wildfires have gone out of control. Several huge piles of geegaws and magazines litter the streets, and many of the villagers have taken to wearing burlap bags that have been died black, each spray-painted with a symbol of some sort in white. Several vehicles have been turned over and the local police precinct boarded up... from the inside. Some say, at this point, that it all began with a couple souvenirs brought back from vacation by a certain family, but our research leads to the conclusion that this is, indeed, caused by badgers... or a particular Badger...

10:43 / 05.10.02

In Arkham you've got it easy. Just call on the great old ones by the dark of the moon, and they will slither along and gradually eliminate all the collectors of geegaws, magazines and badgers! Before you know it, Arkham will again be the height of Alien culture. Ia Shub Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young.

NewPickettywitch

13:46 / 05.10.02

Only last night, the barman growled at me. "Got it easy in Arkham?! What kind of know-nothin' would even think suthin' like that?" It's gotten much worse here, everything is now mostly levelled, there are few humans left, the badgers have taken over. I'm writing this in an allotment shed that for all appearances is lying empty on its side in a ditch. I can hear their voices when they pass near, along with the Flying Ones. I would have never dreamed such a thing as flying badgers... At this point I'm too scared to leave the shed. I hear snatches of conversation that lead me to believe that two of the worst, feared by even the other badgers, are named Grant and Phil...

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13:47 / 05.10.02

Jesus! Here in Stokey we've got the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Christmas Gift Ideas! Will the horror never end?

NewPickettywitch

15:33 / 06.10.02

...It is highly contagious, so I warn you to consider how many of your acquaintances may be in the early or mid stage?

I have a very dear friend living in UK who I'm afraid has been bitten and is in the early stages of the sickness at this time. A tell-tale sign is posting a thread called Bio Attack Warning in this forum. Perhaps this is a cry for help, or it could be a way of secretly leading the unwary into maelstrom of madness...

22:22 / 07.10.02

Oh no, it's happening, I feel myself succumbing to this dreadful sickness; I need to see the Black Goat of the Woods Thousand Xmas Gift Ideas Catalogue. Help...!

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08:22 / 08.10.02

I had a strange dream last night... the Great Old Ones came to me and told me the only way I could stop the plague was by forcing TV's Carol Smillie (as seen on TV) to... it's hardly imaginable... BEND A RIDICULOUSLY OUTSIZED QUEEN'S JUBILEE SOUVENIR SPOON INTO THE SHAPE OF AN ELDER SIGN...

Oh God. I've said it now.

They're coming! I can hear them outside... they mustn't know I'm not one of them! Think... "Jane Seymour's Christmas On A Budget"... Dear Jesus, I fear only a functional Stannah Stairlift could save me now...

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:23 / 08.10.02

...the badgers... the badgers in the walls...

(behind the three flying ducks)

00:11 / 09.10.02

Smash the flying ducks at once, it will stop the badgers breaking through. It's the only way! Just keep chanting slogans with which they are familiar; like 'Mr Sheen Makes All things shine' or 'Beans Meanz Heinz'. Paste your windows over with junk mail. If you have a small plastic walking jesus, about the house, sacrifice it now. Keep chanting, 'I have free will and determinism' Maybe it isn't too late for you yet...?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

06:02 / 09.10.02

Gods... I made it through another night. But I fear the end must come soon. Only this morning as I went out to buy my usual copy of the Guardian after a fitful night of royal-stalking dreams, I was half-way to the counter before I realised that what I clutched in my trembling hand, as if that very member belonged to another, was the latest issue of "Majesty" magazine...

The ducks are smashed; the badgers have ceased their tacky scrabbling. But I fear what is to come...

10:56 / 13.10.02

I think they have got newpickettywitch in the allotment shed. All has gone strangely quiet from that direction.
Shame, because here, I've found a new break through; It seems extremely loud rock music coupled with excessive consumption of alcohol [preferably guinness] makes you, temporarily at least, impervious to this terrible disease. How long you can remain in that state, is of course down to personal stamina levels and sheer dedication.

NewPickettywitch

04:08 / 15.10.02

...not... much... time... spent the week in the shed... not feeling... well... Having feverish dreams... ducks smashed... flying stoats... the terrible giant Badger... the eyes, I saw... more like huge, shambling... things... nothing where where face should have been I hear them!!! GOD Help Me........ IA..... Cth......FTAGNNNNNNNNNNNNN..............................................................................................

18:56 / 15.10.02

You must drink everything that you have to hand immediately! Make your brain into an unwelcome house for the creatures that carry this terrible disease. Stay in that state of altered consciousness for as long as it takes for them to retreat. They will tire of you and go searching for more susceptible prey. I will wait and watch for your post of triumph.

NewPickettywitch

01:00 / 16.10.02

Tried drinkin' the rest of the absinthe, then I had what Guinness I could find. Here in America, Guinness comes down from Canada, so I don't think it works so good. Finished off that Deva, even threw some Bubblegum into the bottle and shook it before. People down at the store lookin' at me funny. Overheard some of 'em, sayin' I had the "Innsmouth look", sayin' I talk funny, or too much, or both. Seein' as how I don't know how I got into town, there ain't no tellin'. Some of them looks bad as I do and watching me kinda peculiar and makin' signs and shapes with they hands. Well, they don't know what I seen out there. Hell, they look at me like they think I done done suthin' wrong! I ain't done nothin'. Not yet noway! Gotta find that book I heard them ol' badgers mumbling 'bout... Nek... Nekeromiton or suthin'... I'm 'on find it I can tell ya and then I'm 'on raise holy Hell 'round this sumbitch... yes sir...

20:45 / 16.10.02

ok, find a mirror...have your ears gone pointy? have your eyes turned green and bulgy frog like? are your hands webbed? do you have the right number of toes? are you developing a cone shaped head with nodes that could be tentacles beginning to grow from it? do you keep saying words with gnfl in them? If you answered yes to more than three of the above, I may have to send the bio protection squad round to take you away.

12:53 / 17.10.02

I am a badger, and feel as though my kind are being wilfully misrepresented here.

10:16 / 19.10.02

Then please put the case for badgers! I confess I may have been wrong in my diagnosis of the species as the main carriers. I'd be interested to hear your theories on the methods by which the disease is transmitted then?

NewPickettywitch

00:33 / 20.10.02

Why? Why have the badgers stopped scratching? What is it, something I thought? Perhaps all of these voices in my head have frightened them. That's it. I'll just... I'll just stop each one. Yes, yes, that's it. Stop each one. Oooh God, the look on his face!! That thing staring out of his eyes, each breath he sucked in draining his life... In the name of Satan, please, what were the three questions again? What are they??? Tell me!!! I have the Book. It is... It is safe with me. God if only I could sleep...sleep... sleep... sleeeeeeeeeepppppppppppp... This Post of Triumph is a double-edged Sword. How sweet to have tasted of the sublime Majesty of the Hypergamma, the jewelled Veil of Set, Alien-headed isolate Will, how horribly careful I must be with what Knowledge I now reveal...

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01:40 / 20.10.02

dear god the badgersasbdnl[kjaduiol awhuhpoahuwrfnbuji;pfurikwerf

NewPickettywitch

04:06 / 20.10.02

We have nothing to reveal. The colonisation of Terra begins. All will shortly be brought into line with the Plan, already in place. The planet awakens as if from a vast sleep, through aeons. Realm of Sion/Slitscan operatives are in place. Disorder will not be tolerated. I have included Code within this missive. Our craft will shortly unfold. Await further restriction notice.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

09:46 / 20.10.02

All hail our new badger overlords.

21:04 / 21.10.02

Yeah it could be worse I guess. Badgers are kinda cute [ftagn ftagn] - just so long as I don't have to buy any damn geegaws or royalty memorabilia!

NewPickettywitch

01:44 / 24.10.02

Terrans shall report to the PODS that have been set up within their local sectors. Workcamp placements commence within the week. You must report; none are exempt! The re-education program will remove all and everything but the worker encased in the body. A short disruption will occur this week on your Internet system so that we may put our superior protocols into place. Any Terran who does.... who... does not comply with.... as.... as I was... what in the name of... Bloody hell, I must have been dreaming! Well, as I was sayin', things ain't changed now so much neither. They put me back here in Colney 'atch a couple years ago. I still remember that ratnip on me bum and that poor Grant Mitchell week after week havin' the people in here just hatin' 'im. Well, I didn't. But I did get a terrible cravin' for those gewgaws and figurines like that lady said. 'ere, what's that then?

19:38 / 24.10.02

Oh the hellish nightmare of it. To be made to work. It's unbearable. The Horror, The Horror. And to have to do it in a camp too. There isn't much on this planet earth worse than camping. You need to drink way way more new picketty witch, to avoid having further nightmares like that. You could upset the group unconsciousness if you keep that up!

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

09:48 / 25.10.02

Problems with your sleep, Newpicketywitch? You should try a Mediflow waterbase pillow. You'll float off to sleep.. easier.. longer.. wake up fresh and free of aches and pains. The fantastic new Mediflow pillow could turn that nightmare into a dream come tr-

NOOOOOOO!!!!! Please, someone kill me. KILL MEEEEEEE!

NewPickettywitch

00:56 / 27.10.02

I tried it, your Mediflow pillow. It helped. Yeah. Like a lot yo. Know what I'm sayin'? 's cool. Like I'm asleep writin' this. No problem, you know? Started collectin' those Lagerfelds, Lambo's... Now I've got like a, a collection... no problem. So, like, what are you guys collectin'...? How about the really nice matching tea towel set at that little stand front of the church on Oxford St.? How about this collection of miniature people sitting at their computers frozen in time by a bloghack or amnesia? They come unpainted, I think like three to a set... I got the really nice ones with the chrome hands!! And cheap! Well, come on, what did you get?! I just know it's got to be something just oh so cool!

22:14 / 31.10.02

I got, some halloween lanterns, an oyster mushroom log, some solar garden lights, a stone to hide your keys in, a mug with a hole right through it that declares my age, an ornate pair of dragon candle holders and a piece of embroidery. All that was missing was the cuddly toy. Well that'll teach me to tell people when my birthday is, it just encourages this terrible disease!