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Calling Orson, calling Orson, come in Orson…
Week 1 Report
Trial 1:
Decided to apply Trijhaos’s advice first. Seemed sensible. Required less balls than dressing up in a Batman costume. “Confident and assured” isn’t exactly “being myself”, but I knew what Trij was getting at. I went into the house with an attitude of “This place is mine, if I want it. It’s not a question of ‘Am I good enough for them?’ but one of ‘Is this place good enough for me?’”
Result! Ended up sitting around, chatting and drinking tea, for an hour or so. When I finally had to leave, they said “Aww!”(?!?) and that they’d “miss me”?!?! …Very strange experience.
Thing is… Cozily ensconced in my new, confident persona, I found myself kind of…looking down on these people, a little bit… They seemed kinda…desperate to please…kinda needy…
Yikes! I’m starting to suspect that beneath a veneer of nervousness and low self-esteem, I am in fact a deeply misanthropic nasty monster!
Trial 2:
Wasn’t deliberately trying to be confident at this place – but the attitude must have “leaked over” from the previous house. Anyhow, again – result! They offered me the room.
It was a bit small, though…
Trial 3:
Okay. Time to try something a bit stranger. Izabelle’s suggestion to go in there wafting of near-subliminal nice smells seemed like it might work. Kind of like having the smell of freshly-baked bread in your house when you’re showing it to a potential buyer. Except the other way round.
Chocolate. Hmm. Is there such a thing as essence of chocolate? For cooking? Or chocolate-flavoured essential oils for aromatherapists? Supermarket didn’t have any. Bought a bar of Cadbury’s. Chocolate makes a smell when it melts, doesn’t it?
[Half an hour of inept Jerry-Lewis-Norman-Wisdom-style antics ensue as I try to suffuse my clothing with the scent of melting chocolate. Hilarious! Fun for all the family! Four stars.]
Bought some vanilla essence. Sticky stuff, ain’t it? Okay. Outside the house I dab some on my wrists, and behind my ears. That should do the job. “Weirdo,” by Calvin Klein.
As luck would have it, I completely forget to put on my “confident and assured” persona. All the better for science. No confusion of variables.
Alas…no result. No call-back. Shit. Nice-sized room too. People seemed decent sorts. If the vanilla essence thing had any positive effect (and maybe it did), that effect was unfortunately cancelled by my reversion to type – nervous, tense, babbling. Hey-ho!
Next time will use the old “confident persona” + “subliminal vanilla” double whammy, see how that goes. Maybe work some Vocal Portraiture in there. Report back here again, if you like.
Thank you for your contributions, everyone. Feel free to chip in if anything else occurs to you.
D – just to be clear here – are you saying I should bring some porn along as a gift for my potential housemates? Or that I should just keep it on me as a kind of fashion accessory? (Or have it on my person as a secret talisman thing? …Are you saying the Playboy bunny is a manifestation of an archetypal Power? cf. Harvey, Cosmic Trigger, Donnie Darko, Sexy Beast, Bill Drummond…?) |
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