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Random Q and A thread (Creation version)

15:32 / 27.09.02

Use this thread to ask any old question you fancy an answer to, but can't be bothered to research in the proper manner like any normal, self-motivated, self-respecting person with a bit of get-up-and-go would. Questions that aren't worth starting an individual thread for. Anything from "what the hell is psychogeography?" to "how do I fix my leaky toilet?" Alternatively, use this thread to show off your mighty knowledge by answering a question or 2 or 3.

Here are my questions:

1. I woke up in the middle of the night last night feeling terribly dehydrated, so I got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. When I got there and turned on the light, I saw two startled jelly babies run across the floor and squeeze into the gap between the fridge and the washing machine. This is the third time that I've seen them in as many weeks, and my wife has seen them too - different colours, so there must be more than two. There's evidence of them all over the kitchen (footprints in sugar bowl, droppings in cereal packets etc). It looks like we've got an infestation. Should I be worried? If so, how do I get rid of them?

2. I'm going on holiday to the United States next month, and I want to get into a fight and be injured, possibly even killed. What should I do to ensure this happens?

3. Where do chairs come from?

16:01 / 27.09.02

1. I've found a dish or small saucer of beer left out overnight will usually kill most gummi-critter infestations. Some advise using a mixture of beer & cocoa powder, or beer & honey, but the ones I get seem to be attracted to beer on its own just fine.
It makes their bodies dissolve. I've heard that they're relatively clean living compared to most kitchen pests, except, of course, they get very sticky when damp, so you're likely to wind up with grime and cat hair and dust and stuff tracked all through your victuals. Which ain't no good.

17:41 / 27.09.02

Q. Can anyone recommend any decent sites for downloading food on the net? (nb - I only have a 56k dial-up, but have a CD-R so I can burn as much as I want once I download it)

19:58 / 27.09.02

Answers for Saveloy:
1) Buy a package of gummy bears and bite the heads off. Leave them on the counter. For better trauma effect mix and match heads and bodies. Alternatly, buy stips of flypaper and leave them on the counter with the a gummy bear on it. First bite off the gummy bears legs. Then hid and make a sound like a wounded gummy bear and watch as all the would be rescuers get trapped on the sticky paper.
(on a side note last night I dreamt I was on Fear Factor and had to eat a LARGE bag of gummybears..odd coincidence???)

2)I would suggest walking down the bronx in the middle of the night wearing a Klu Klux Klan costume. Also screamming "Its great to be white!" may increase the chances of dammage that you will receive.
3)Chairs come from Ikea.

H.I.R: Dont bother trying to D/L food off the net..with food its just a byte at a time no matter what the speed.

10:09 / 05.12.03

Thanks for the advice, guys. In the end I left a load of wine gums out for them. They were easy to round up once they'd had a few.

Cash Jackson:

"Q. Can anyone recommend any decent sites for downloading food on the net? (nb - I only have a 56k dial-up, but have a CD-R so I can burn as much as I want once I download it)"

If you want to the stay legal, you can't go wrong with Hamazon.co.yuk, but if you're feeling a bit unscrupulous - and you don't want every fifth mouthfull to be Spam - then you're better off going to the one of the pirate sites, where people put food that they've burnt onto a disc, or 'plate'. The best of these is Snackster - you can find most of the mainstream supermarket brands up there and a lot of obscure, specialist stuff too, and all for the cost of a telephone call. Careful with the eggs, though, sometimes the signal gets scrambled, and beware of the tapeworm hack, which intercepts your download and redirects the nosh to someone else's guts.

Btw, I've put a smashing casserole up on mp3coursemeal.com, I'd love to know what you guys think of it.

New questions:

How do they cram all that smoke into a cigarette?

Why is NASA investing so much time and money in putting a cow on Mars?

What's the best defense against Herpes? I thought I saw some hiding in the hedge outside my office window yesterday; I shooed it away, and now it's loitering in an alley on the other side of the car park. Can I shoot it?

Why do horses run everywhere? Why don't they drive around in cars or milk floats or something?

11:44 / 05.12.03

Saveloy, horses refuse to use cars due to a misconception that the phrase 'horsepower' meant that car engines were filled with tiny enslaved horses. Hence horses are always late, not helped by the difficulty they have winding their watches.

15:15 / 05.12.03

On the NASA/cows thing, the project is really part of a long-term terraforming idea that was designed to fulfill the new "smaller, cheaper, quicker missions" mandate. It's important to know a few things:
1. the "cows" are specifically bred/engineered for the task, using yak-hybrids. They're capable of withstanding the cold and on getting by with mot much water, and that all in the form of permafrost, but they're smaller, lighter and have slightly different digestive enzymes... so that...
2. The cows' digestive byproducts (yeah, farts, basically) have been shown to produce something like 100 gallons of breathable oxygen per day on a diet closely related to Martian flora (mostly arid lichens/mosses), and...
3. Once in place, the cows are pretty much self maintaining. No future trips to bring up supplies and whatnot -- just leave 'em there to create fertilizer and oxygen and provide a ready food source for future missions. Looking in the long term, it's the most economical option, actually. The main hurdle is getting the first cows to Mars safely and setting them down someplace where they've got the greatest chance of survival - plenty of tasty lichens and enough underground ice close enough to the surface for them to get to it. So once the data from the new Mars Odyssey probe gets collated, and matched up with the next batch of info from the Rover/Lander missions set to launch in 2004, it's the next logical step.

----
I'm not sure about the Herpes. If you can see it outside, I'd consider calling a cop.

18:37 / 07.12.03

Thanks for the links Saveloy. Yes, I have been to Hamazon, more to read the customer reviews of curries than actually to buy anything. Is Snackster still up-and-running? I thought Big Food had litigated them off the Net. I'm having difficulty downloading that caserole of yours Saveloy. Can you email it to me?

19:22 / 07.12.03

I would suggest walking down the bronx in the middle of the night wearing a Klu Klux Klan costume

I have seen this approach fail many times. You may irritate some law-abiding citizens, but criminals, ie, those most likely to be willing to harm you, are very superstitious and are loath to assault crazy people. This approach often leaves the suicidal tourist in the uncomfortable position of an oracle or sage to a gang of ruffians. If you are really serious about being maimed or killed by Americans, your best bet is to become a door-to-door proselyte for the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Mormons. Sooner or later, someone is bound to shoot you in a fit of pique.

What are these peculiar stains on my kitchen floor?

08:00 / 08.12.03

A/ Squashed jelly baby goo?

09:06 / 08.12.03

Whatever they are, it's probably better to get them cleaned up before someone comes round and tries DNA testing them.

14:13 / 08.12.03

Why do my dog refuse to speak?(in addition to my cat, who cant seem to shut up) are there any important diferences I`ve missed, or am I just not treating my dog right?
Oh, and by the way, would anyone of you know why my 78 year old neighbour is green with just a little blue dot above his left knee?(the blue dot is whats worrying me really..) thanks

Whisky Priestess

15:24 / 08.12.03

Gaymajastay, it sounds as though your neighbour is suffering from a mild form of indigosis, which often attacks pensioners at around this time of year. If it's distressing him the blue patch can be removed with reopeated applications of treacle, but in a lot of cases the dot will simply disappear on its own. Tell him to contact his GP if it spreads, throbs or starts singing "Oklahoma" though.

OK, my question: Why do birds fall out of the sky every time you walk by? (To Number 3)

20:58 / 08.12.03

Why do birds fall out of the sky every time you walk by?

Because I am evil incarnate.

Is there anything more irritating than the national anthem?

01:23 / 09.12.03

2. I'm going on holiday to the United States next month, and I want to get into a fight and be injured, possibly even killed. What should I do to ensure this happens?

Walk around wearing a shirt that says "Saddam is My Boyfriend." This is especially effective if you're male.

3. Where do chairs come from?

Well, you see, when a mommy and daddy chair love each other very much...

13:13 / 22.12.03

Q: why are midgets so funny?

13:16 / 22.12.03

inregards to saveloy's question, where do chairs come from, there is one website that explains it all (if u don't have a weak stomache) go to www.furnitureporn.com

03:25 / 23.12.03

Saveloy: I'm going on holiday to the United States next month, and I want to get into a fight and be injured, possibly even killed. What should I do to ensure this happens?

I'm sure if you ask nicely once you get there you should be able to find someone happy to accomodate you. Perhaps even in the airport. Good luck!

Cash Jackson: Can anyone recommend any decent sites for downloading food on the net? (nb - I only have a 56k dial-up, but have a CD-R so I can burn as much as I want once I download it)

I'm not sure why you want to burn your food...is that like a cajun - blackened thing? Perhaps you should consider upgrading to firewire. Not only should your files be nice and charred, but you can download up to 400 kalories/second.

04:05 / 23.12.03

furniture porn?! man oh man.. "Lance, a virile overstuffed armchair. Debbi, a horny pink baroque beauty." cracks me up for sure

question: why am I mildly aroused by this?

12:45 / 23.12.03

gaymastajay, only midly arroused?

18:41 / 23.12.03

is it true that god is a squirrel? i could've sworn i saw him suckin on some bum's nuts and i know that squirrels like nuts. so from deductive reasoning and for partial disclosure i came to the conclusion that god is a squirrel?

Hashy_McBoochoolphad

03:10 / 03.03.04

In regard to jerk's question:
I do believe midgets are so fun for their assorted color hats. For example, all of the seven dwarfs have colored hats, Snap, Crackle, & Pop (rice krispeys guys. hope that answers your question!!

15:27 / 03.03.04

Compu-comp:

"would anyone of you know why my 78 year old neighbour is green with just a little blue dot above his left knee?(the blue dot is whats worrying me really..)"

In one respect you are quite right to be worried about the blue dot being above the knee. An off centre pressing like that will be completely unplayable (or at least unlistenable, as I expect you will have discovered if you've ever tried playing him). However, financially speaking it's a bonus, as it adds a further element of rarity to what is already a limited edition 78.

19:18 / 03.03.04

I know (know!) I've read somewhere about George Harrison getting in trouble with immigration authorities in Mexico after they found plutonium in his guitar case. This was sometime in the 1970s, shortly before that lawsuit over "Oh Sweet Lord" or whatever that song is called. I can't find references to the incident on Google, though, and the Harrison biography that had the story in it is now gracing the shelves of some Goodwill shopper.
Is there anyone out there who remembers how he got out of that one, and how the stuff wound up in his baggage to begin with?

Hashy_McBoochoolphad

03:13 / 05.03.04

my friend has square feet, which is strange but what im really worried about is that all his shoes are made out of old game show hosts. i dont know how to tell him to stop buying these shoes, i mean, the last pair he bought were 699$! I tried to convince him not to buy it but when the shoe said," the price is right", i knew it was all over.
While me, his relatives, and some close friends, all being either midgets or made of nailed together ping pong tables, are concerned about this pratice. We all finally asked him "why" but he told us," I told Jennifer Love Hewitt i wouldn't tell!"
So we all made a plan to spot this madness. Ping-Pong Zaphas and Midget Steve said that the only way to make old game show hosts un-shoe-makeable, was to jerkify(-V- to transfore into jerky them,see jerkification) them. Sadly, Midget Steve put too much salt on Bob Saget. So my question to you is: how do they put the peanut butter into Reeses Peanut Butter Cups? This is urgent for if i do not answer this question soon, the worlds furniture will sag at an slighty quicker rate.