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Your Cat Stories

18:00 / 24.09.02

Since this seems to be a cat-lover's board, out with it already. Let's hear the most amusing cat tales (pun intended) you have to offer.

Though I don't have a cat at present ("No Pets" policy in my apartment building), I used to have one in college when I lived in a run-down Victorian in the midst of a typical "student ghetto". A small grey and white "tiger cub" patterned male with green eyes named "Mumbles". He was so named due to the fact that he was a "talker", he never really "meowed" per se', though he gurgled, chirped, yodelled, and muttered all the time.

As a kitten he was the feline equivalent of an F5 tornado. Once, he got into a roomate's closet and I came home to find the entire apartment covered from one end to the other with shredded tampons. Another time he got into a storage closet that had been converted into a mini-grow room, and stripped the plants of all their lovely buds and leaves. He was bumping into walls with eyes the size of dinner plates, stoned out of his tree. He always knew if someone had pot on them, he' d make a beeline for their backpack or pocket and nudge, bump, and rub his head there until physically picked up and moved. And then of course, he'd just go and do it again. You could never leave any pot out if he was nearbye, because he'd try his damndest to eat it whenever possible.

He was also fond of stripping toilet paper off the rolls (sometimes he'd grab an end and literally "paper" the apartment); as well as attacking and destroying another roomate's stuffed animals. And forget about leaving an unguarded bowl of ice cream about. He'd dive in face first.

I wound up having to give him away when I moved, which upset me more than I thought it would. I do miss having him around, but he has a good home, lots of yard space to run and do cat things in, and several other cats to cavort with.

Let's hear 'em...

The Apple-Picker

18:23 / 24.09.02

The cat stories that make me laugh always seem to have to do with feces. I am very advanced for my age.

Last night, my cat Oreo (my younger brother named her) and I got into a, well, into a cat fight. I was petting her and had worked her up into a purring frenzy when my fingers grazed one of her paws. She didn't like that for some reason and so bit my arm and smacked me. I pointed my finger at her very strongly! Then I touched her paw again on purpose, just to annoy her. And she smacked me again. She still wanted me to pet her, but I wasn't about to be pushed around by this diva. I shoved her off the bed, and she strutted away. I think she's in some emotional distress about our tiff because she keeps acting very strange.

We need some time apart.

20:59 / 24.09.02

My late cat Sam fell asleep in people's lap no matter if they were total strangers. And "making bisquits" on your tummy. His favorite toy was hair bands. When I cut my hair short I'd buy them for him special. My pillow was his bed, he'd snuggle next to my neck and some mornings I woke up with my head on his tummy. He was just too social to describe. More like a dog than a cat, really. No diva quirks there. I miss him like crazy.

My other cat, Pippi, (now living with a friend of mine) seems to think she's a mix of a pigeon and a dog. You throw those orange Kinder Egg "shells" (her favorite) and she'll run and fetch them and bring them back, waiting for you to throw them again. She coos like a pigeon, never a meow. When she wants your attention, she'll snuggle up on your chest and poke her nose into your cheek, or lie down in your lap and place her chin on your arm, staring at you. If you're reading a book, she'll bite with one tooth (always one) at the cover (all my books are "signed by Pippi" now). Shred toilet paper rolls. Shred newspapers. Shred all kinds of paper she can get her teeth and claws into. When she's angry at you, you can tell by a wet pee stain in your bed. Always the bed, never anywhere else. I have to say miss that weirdo, too.

21:16 / 24.09.02

When my cat Niles (still living with my parents, how I miss him) used to sit in my lap when he was a baby and play on my laptop keyboard. He was such a goofy lil' guy, a black puffball with skinny legs, huge ears, paws, and big yellow eyes. One time, in the midst of all the gibberish, he'd managed to type the word "Golly".

22:55 / 24.09.02

Kitties!

My brother was lying on the floor trying to watch TV with Mo (pictured right) perched on his chest in that psycho way Mobert lies, staring straight into your eyes without blinking. I was eating fish and chips while Tsuki (pictured left) and Fergs (dog, not shown)were sitting at my feet waiting impatiently for me to throw them scraps. Momo, who only enjoys dry food, yogurt and tape as nourishment, ignored us. I took two pieces of fish and threw one toward Tsuki and the other toward Fergs. Tsuki, realizing that Fergs had the larger piece, leapt onto the coffee table, sliding across and bouncing off of Fergie's nose, causing the normally calm Fergs to twitch uncontrollably and back up into my brother. Mo, the Shaft of Cats, being completely paranoid and prone to panic attacks, leapt off of my brother, leaving him screaming in agony on the floor.

Gary still has four claw marks carved into the four corners of his chest.

Tryphena Absent

14:00 / 25.09.02

George is half siamese, half havana, he sits on top of my brother's monitor while he plays games on the internet. When he was younger he used to balance on the tops of the doors inside our house and fall off when someone opened them wider.

14:54 / 25.09.02

"2" used to sleep on top of my computer, too. Once in a while she would wake up, look down at me as if checking my work and then fall asleep again. She sometimes would walk on the keyboard and no matter how many times you tried to remove her, she would always get back.
She used to sleep in my chest and nibble on my ears and the tip of my nose. Once in a while she decided that I needed a good clean up and would lick my face and chin for hooours (hey, those dirty dogs do this all the time and people are OK with it)...

"1", a big fat hairy cat, would open doors, leaping to the door knobs and pulling them down (not the round knobs. The long ones with handles). He had a special way of sleeping on the sofa, with his face down his chest and legs spread open in a way you had to laugh at...

Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero

15:17 / 25.09.02

This girl I've been seeing lately has a cross-eyed cat. Only slightly cross-eyed, so the effect is that he's staring at you very intently. Like he can see into your soul. Which in and of itself isn't bad, but he's just a kittie (and a fairly dumb one at that), so you know he doesn't understand what he's looking at.

One of my friends from school has the loudest cat I've ever heard.

Me: Hello, cat.

Cat: MEOW

Randall (yelling over the cat): God, I hate that fucking cat.

Then there's Ernie's cat, The Cat Who Wouldn't Die. It got hit by a car, got into a fight with a bulldog (!), got hit by a second car shortly after the fight, drank antifreeze, and got kicked into a pool. The family decided that God was obviously trying to kill this cat, so they had it put to sleep. It woke up. It's now living in Nashville. Comfortably, I hear (although it has a severe limp, one eye, one ear, no tail, only the couple whiskers, and no longer meows but screams "Ehhh").

My own cat Sam weighs a good twenty, twenty-five pounds. And he's got thumbs.

15:40 / 25.09.02

My cat Sam (AKA Samuel J Pussycat, AKA SHithead), is the only cat i've et that I like. He's mostly dog though. He'll play fetch, he comes when you call for him, he's fought a rottweiler and won! He waits at the door to attack the mail man. (The mailmans leg looked like it was attecked by a chainsaw after the cat attack). And he once fell out of a tree with a rope arround his head and hung there like he was commiting suicide. (We (my brother and I) rushed outside and rescued him)..but we did freak out our mother by yelling Tetherball!! while we ran out....