OMG! This is too f-ing funny!
(The story behind this...Apparently, there is a nutball who digs
things out of his back yard and sends his "discoveries" to the
Smithsonian Institution, labelling them with scientific names and
insisting they are actual archaeological finds. The bizarre truth is
that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway,
what follows is a letter from the Smithsonian Institution in response
to his submission of a recently discovered specimen.)
====================================================
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institution
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We
have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that
what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one
of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu
Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to
the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that
those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were
loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of
the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilised bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with
the common domesticated canine (dog) than it is with the "ravenous
man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that
time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing
hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution,
but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the
heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due
to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like
it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil,
it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of
work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that
our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the
display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the
Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm
Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities |