Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

Sexual completion?

09:31 / 19.09.02

OK, haven't posted here for a while, but now just NEED to.

I've nearly had no sleep for some nights. I've found new areas of myself, ones I had no idea existed.

Yesterday, I whipped someone. Not just a little, but first with a belt, then with my sister's riding crop, which she got when she was 12 and loved horses.

Big red or even red-then-blue bruises on buttocs, back and thighs. Slaps, hard ones, with the open hand in the face.

Of course it was incredible. But today I'm left wondering, thinking.

Walking in the street, seeing an attractive woman, I had a reaction of wanting to slap her in the face. I guess that's not really a worry, I'm not losing the knowledge of good and evil, the separation between consensuality and rape.

What is more frightening is that I really don't feel like I want to do anything else. Ever, again. I want to abandon what I have, what I am doing, and just explore this previously unknown side of (my and others') sexuality.

Is this even possible, to lose yourself in a sexuality, to identify only with that? Do you know someone who defines themselves through only one aspect of their personality? What are they like? Is it possible to get along with them?

The Natural Way

09:43 / 19.09.02

Before you tackle yr new found love of S&M, get some sleep my lad.....

09:57 / 19.09.02

You're okay and everything's fine!

It's pretty natural to feel a bit wrapped up right now - you've just crossed a border and discovered a whole new country. At age 27, when I first had sex with a woman - the first sex I'd ever really enjoyed - I thought of nothing else for, oh, years! You seem sussed on the consensual side of it, and I think there's nothing wrong with you thinking about it all the time, if you've tapped into what could be a big and important part of your sexuality.

But yeah, get some sleep. It's harder to flog someone when you're wrecked.

Tryphena Absent

18:44 / 19.09.02

Honey bunny sweetie pie I look at people and often think about sticking my teeth in to them but that doesn't mean I'm some sicko vampire creature. It means I like the feel of flesh between my teeth and get some satisfaction out of it. Some days I think about that, some days I think about my shoes and finding someone who likes me to wear them, some days I don't think about sex at all. Most people identify themselves through their sexual practices, some through sexuality, others through a certain way that they screw. It's OK, everything's fine.

*I'd like to apologise to anyone I knew prior to Barbelith who didn't want to know that*

20:47 / 19.09.02

I can relate to this. The actual "doing" something that has only had a life in your mind (ok, other people might do similar things but YOU haven't) can be so overwhelming and powerful that it's hard to remember how your old self exsisted before "it" happened.

In my case I didn't repeat what happened for a long time afterwards, but I thought about it endlessly with every spare second my brain had. I even dreamt about doing it, doing it again, doing it with different people. Just doing it, doing it and doing it. You know how when you have had really intense sex and the feeling you get afterwards which is like a comedown off drugs?...Add to that the feeling of never being able to go back again. Having to change because everything is different. That's partly why i didn't pursue it for quite a while afterwards. I even purposely lost contact with the people I"d done it with, I think I was trying to make sure that if it did happen again it wasn't because of other people expecting it of me. I had to be sure I could do this without relying on others to make it happen.

Well anyway, I feel lucky to have explored this side of me. But I do have this (often) overwhelming sense of panic that I've got myself into something that I can't ever get out of. Then I look at other people I know who revel in their sexuality and take delight in being different or alternitive, and I wonder why I get so deep and precious about doing things that can't be undone.

But as a rule I'd say you should try to be bold and always challenge yourself to see what your limits are. No-one else has the ability to find these things out about you so you owe it to yourself.

Tryphena Absent

23:21 / 19.09.02

But I do have this (often) overwhelming sense of panic that I've got myself into something that I can't ever get out of.

I know people who feel like that about sex though, just normal missionary position man-woman sex, because it is just like that isn't it? Sex is just finding new areas of yourself and it's so personal that you just have to think about it.

Eventually the amount of panic and the fixation with just thinking about one thing will go away because in the end things do slowly become more normal for people. No one can live with sheer intensity all the time and our minds and bodies have an inbuilt system to cope with such things.

I'd say you should try to be bold and always challenge yourself to see what your limits are.

That's what makes it fun and good!

23:30 / 19.09.02

That's cool, Bio; now you just need to start learning how to be a good male Top. Just make sure you don't do it with a Goth ponygirl.

That'd be like flogging a dead horse.

05:56 / 20.09.02

Bio, I hate to say this, but that's normal. I've been a big ol SM perv for about a dozen years now and I've been there and I've watched lots of people go through this. It is pretty much par for the course to get completely obsessed, think and do little else, immerse completely after you finally get to do it. Don't worry; go ahead and indulge (consensually of course). You WILL settle down eventually into whatever works for you.

It's a process, or economy if you will, like grief: There's a certain amount of this intense stuff you need to get through. You can do it all at once, or you can spread it out over years, or you can put it off and obsess all the more strongly. You will get through X amount of it one way or another at whatever speed you choose, and you will ultimately arrive at your selfsame perv parity.

But do be careful, won't you? Some people feed off the energy you're putting off now, and not all of them are terribly nice people.

15:47 / 20.09.02

OK, I did know I'm OK and that everything's fine. I just needed to hear it from someone else.. Funny how a self-perception works..

Ganesh: That's cool, Bio; now you just need to start learning how to be a good male Top. Just make sure you don't do it with a Goth ponygirl.

That'd be like flogging a dead horse.

Nnooo...! I feel so predictable now! She IS a goth (don't know about ponygirl, not sure I want to find out what it is, even..).

I think I could be a good Trans-Top, with proper education. The macho-thing doesn't come naturally to me, some other things do..

Jack: But do be careful, won't you? Some people feed off the energy you're putting off now, and not all of them are terribly nice people.

Ah.. I guess I can see that being a risk, but we have known each other for some time, and have a political relationship going back a few years. She's as independent and horrible as I am, so we're getting along fine.

I was supposed to meet her tonight for the first time since wednesday, and was getting really excited about it, but then I caught a horrible flu.. Nothing could be more unlikely than achieving sexual completion in the state I'm in right now.. She's offered to play nurse for me, but with being all clogged up and stuffy and head-achy, I don't think there will be any playing to it..