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Instrument of Satan

  
 
Mourne Kransky
16:04 / 17.09.02
Lovely soon-to-depart fridge, in wellbanshee's optimistic thread:
I was woken up this morning by a man selling fish. Fish man: "Do you want to buy any fresh fish, mate?" Bleary fridge in dressing gown: "Er, no thanks."

Got me thinking and ready to offload. I hate the landline. I hate it so much that I often have thirty odd messages piled up on the answerphone and just delete 'em all, unlistened to. The friends and family who need to get through to me all use the mobile or e-mail, so doesn't seem to be a huge problem.

But the landline is an instrument of the devil! Like fridge I am often driven, bleary-eyed and mid-cracking-good-dream, to answer a persistent ringer only to find it's:

- (this very morning) Latifah[sic] from Beautiful Homes [or some such] wanting to feature my lovely home (which she can never have seen) in her magazine. No doubt they would be making money out of me some way.

- (regularly) Cheery cold caller who announces my lucky postcode has come up in some survey /study/ competition and they would like to give me a free kitchen /bathroom /new windows. No doubt they would be etc.

- (only once, admittedly) Crazed American teenage fan of Brit popstar (who stole my name) has tracked me down through directory enquiries and just will not believe I am not the object of her affections.

- (often enough) Moneylenders (and other bankers) phone me to congratulate me on having a neverending loan with their outfit and tell me how much I still owe and how long I'll be dead by the time the repayments stop, then offer to lend me untold further sums at great rates (which means bugger all to unarithmentical me). Only problem here is that when the pecuniary shit has collided with the fan and you do really need the money, they tell you to *Finance Off*.

Now, those guys leave room for about three calls a year from someone I may actually want to talk to and they probably phone in the middle of a damn good Buffy.

Couple of weeks ago I just unplugged it and forgot it for a week. Heaven! Unfortunately, have had to reconnect in order to make all sorts of arrangements re leaving for London which, for some reason, always seem to involve them phoning me, whether I write or e-mail or whatever.

Alexander Graham Bell has a special circle all to himself in Hell, where a phone he must answer is ringing far away every time he busies himself with something else.

Here endeth the rant. Feel a bit better now...
 
 
w1rebaby
16:11 / 17.09.02
I hate to say it, but it was actually someone who came to the door that offered me fresh fish. The Robert Rankin insurance was on the phone.

Actually, if I'd pointed that out we wouldn't have this excellent thread. The only thing land lines are good for is modems and (outgoing) international calls. I always found it very strange that, if someone wants to speak to you, they call your house. Surely that is not right.

Anyone who really wants to speak to you will call your mobile.

I once had someone with a heavy accent leave a message on my land line talking about "the missile", quite soon after Sept 11, and it wasn't a joke call either, none of my friends are any good at accents.
 
 
Mazarine
16:14 / 17.09.02
I had a mess of faxes sent to my lacking-a-fax-machine phone. It made me cross, as I was trying to sleep.
 
 
illmatic
16:30 / 17.09.02
We'll have to see if any major marine life robberies went down this morning. Keep 'em peeled.

I disagree about the phone thing, being a recent convert to mobiledom and then only cos someone gave me one. I hate the idea that it's now expected that you'll be on call 24 hours a day. What if I want to disappear enigmatically? With phones, CCTV and this blasted contrapation that I'm sat in front of, there's no fucking space anymore. No hiding.

Z: I notice that your complaints aren't really inherent to the medium itself. Most of the space invasion you're talking about is due to fucking salesman - and there is a special circle in hell reserved for them, if not all of it. And you say "no doubt they'll be making money from me" etc. Well, why do mobiles exist? Why have we seen such a massive expansion in mobile networks etc. It isn't for our convenience, it's to make companies rich. And BTW, we're not safe from filth-scum-sales-filth on our mobies either. The junk text mail boom has already kicked off.

Bah! Modern life is rubbish.

*goes to hide in hole with shotgun (like a dangerous hobbit)*
 
 
w1rebaby
16:43 / 17.09.02
I disagree about the phone thing, being a recent convert to mobiledom and then only cos someone gave me one. I hate the idea that it's now expected that you'll be on call 24 hours a day. What if I want to disappear enigmatically? With phones, CCTV and this blasted contrapation that I'm sat in front of, there's no fucking space anymore. No hiding.

No, no! As a recent adopter you won't be aware of these things, but mobiles afford you so many more excuses to avoid taking calls.

For a start they all have caller ID, and you can forward all your calls apart from certain numbers automatically to voicemail. And if anyone mentions they couldn't get through to you, or you didn't reply to their message, there are a plethora of reasons you can give. "Oh, I was on the tube." "The battery ran out." "Yeah, I've been having trouble with the voicemail, I've complained, they don't do anything, bastards." It's so much better than a landline. In effect, I don't have to talk to my mother these days.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
16:45 / 17.09.02
If it's any consolation, the sad sack phoning you up to tell you about the fabulous special offer that your lucky postcode has netted you is probably getting scammed themselves and will be bastard lucky if they see a penny of their wages. These companies generally just blag empty office space for a few weeks, sucker in people desparate for any work at all, and then refuse to pay them on one spurious pretext or another. They don't give anyone a proper contract so their employees have absolutely no legal redress.
 
 
netbanshee
17:13 / 17.09.02
I hear you Mordant...I tried a telemarketing gig for a short two weeks between semesters. Overall it was awful and you knew you were being scammed just as much as the person you talked to. Training was easy and it was great selling foreigners things they didn't need 'cause they didn't have the language to combat you with though.

What really did get to me though (beyond just the ever present evil of it) was when you'd call up selling insurance to find that the person is dead. As of that morning or getting word from a relative that they just got back from the funeral. And they didn't take to you too lightly. Things like...crying and moaning from the widow or "He doesn't need insurance now you Son of a Bitch" were quite disconcerting and averaged close to 2 a day.

After a couple of days I realized I could do better.
 
 
netbanshee
17:17 / 17.09.02
As far as mobiles go though, I've used it as my only means of phone communication for the last two years. It has gotten much better in quality and price over this period of time too. And, um, free long distance is the best thing ever. It does suck having everyone talking to you at any moment, but as fridge says, you get very good at managing it with tips and tricks.
 
 
bitchiekittie
17:22 / 17.09.02
a series of wee hour faxes, for days at a time, from florida. need I say that I have forever been sans fax machine?
 
 
Mourne Kransky
17:51 / 17.09.02
Good thoughts, Mordant. I think one of the reasons I get so angry with cold callers on my landline is that I know it's some poor minimum wage call centre employee on the other end, so I don't vent my spleen on them, which gets me into the whole stress build up thing, until I berate the cat in the end to release the frustration.

Guess I've just been fortunate with my mobile, Mr Illmatic, but I've only had one cold caller on it all year and that was expeditely dealt with. It's a joy to answer it because I know who's on the other end and it's bound to be one of a dozen or so whom I'm happy to talk with.
Plus it's mostly texts anyway and the odd business promo text is no problem since it's not interrupting anything else. I read it when I can and delete right away.

Just had another annoying call from the Gas Board, so four calls today on the landline and every one unwelcome and annoying.

Had a good one a bit back where some gallous Glaswegian wench wanted to sell me a fitted kitchen. I had the perfect, polite reply since the fitter was due that very day to install a new kitchen. But no, she had to interrogate me. Who was putting it in for me and so forth. I told her John Lewis and she told me I was lying, they don't do kitchens. Quite an enjoyable ding dong ensued, since her rudeness and ignorance allowed me, I felt, to take the gloves off and let rip.

If I could be vituperative every time, there probably wouldn't be a problem. In fact, might even help with the load of stress I'm currently carrying with one thing and another.

Just had to go and answer the phone. Friend in the States who never uses the mobile. Strike one for the landline!
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
17:59 / 17.09.02
Look, you don't actually have to give cold-callers a reason why you don't want whatever they're selling, right? It's a phone. You can hang it up. They won't mind, really. They've had six irate Mr. Swearys, one bankrupt chip shop and any number of sobbing, destitue widows by the time the get to you, so a simple hanging up of the phone will probably come as a blessed relief.
 
 
w1rebaby
18:13 / 17.09.02
I'm told that, with some call centres, they're allowed a break of 20 seconds or something between calls. So, if you just hang up, you give them their break earlier. That's just generosity.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
18:14 / 17.09.02
20 seconds? Jammy gits.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
19:33 / 17.09.02
You lovely and well informed people! I am going to train myself to be more assertive on the phone now I know I can forget about being well-mannered. Take all that guilt I might have felt and shove it!

Now I just need to find a way to stop them phoning in the first place. And I will have to put a sign up on my door saying:
No Hawkers, Pedlars nor Itinerant Fishmongers. Nirvana will be achieved when I am fully outcast socially and nobody knocks or phones.
 
 
illmatic
08:07 / 18.09.02
I want an itinerant fihmonger. Send him round to me.

I used to work in a call centre, as a 192 operater, not a sales person but it was still hell on fucking earth. Good reality slap in the face after three years as a student, doing all that dodgy, y'know, thinking stuff. "None of that here! You're just worth your keystrokes per minute!" Every minute was measured from when you logged on in the morning to finishing at night, no slipping home early! My keystrokes per day, average call handling time, all this stuff was calculated and used to beat you with. Average call handling time to aim for was 33 secs., oh god, it's all come flooding back! You were allowed 4% of your total logged in time off for unproductive suff like pissing and conversation with workmates. The best thing about it was the people I worked with, young crowd, united in contempt for the job and management. 'Cos it was a big centre, occasionally I'd tell an annoying customer to fuck off and I never got caught. We used to get a few kids phoning in with random abuse as well, which actually made for light relief. A personal highpoint was telling one of the kids who was asking if we hasd the numbers for any whorehouses, "only your mum's house". It's the little things that help you cope.

I know what you mean about mobiles, I guess. Just don't like the idea of continuous communication. Perhaps mobiles are kind of responsible for all the shit with landlines? As they get more personalised, now the only people who will via the ll. are salespeople. Just a thought.
 
 
Magic Mutley
08:10 / 18.09.02
Gah! I dreamt about this thread last night. I had to catch the last train somewhere, & had to phone Rail Information urgently to find out the details. My phone was broken, and every time I dialled, I'd get put through to some random number - like a telesales centre (who couldn't hear what I was saying, and thought it was a crank call). Another time I got an ominous voice saying "you have just reported an *incident*... please stay by the phone...you have been charged 30 pence for this call"
Yes, phones are definitely evil and possessed.
 
 
illmatic
09:59 / 18.09.02
That last line should read "the only person will call via the landline - you are a shit typist ".
Dreaming about Barbelith? Strange but I can see how it happens. I have similar dream about phones - had it when I've spilt up with a girlfriend and on other occasions. Trying to dial but the numbers not working. Says more about me and fucked-up relationships than phones, though.

"I'd get put through to some random number - like a telesales centre"

What would happen if you brought something?
 
 
aus
13:05 / 18.09.02
The land-line is easy to deal with. Just get dial-up Internet and stay on-line 24/7. Have everything and everyone forwarded to voice mail. Call back the ones you wanted to talk to (none of them), delete the rest.

I'm still reeling in shock at the cost of mobile/cell service here in the USA and am stubbornly refusing to sign up until the price comes down some more.

The phone companies here are rogues, anyway. I had occasion to lodge an informal complaint with the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) regarding long distance. All the phone company is required to do is respond to the FCC saying "no, we're right, the customer is always wrong". They are also required to send a copy of a response to the customer, but on this occasion Sprint didn't and the FCC don't enforce this. When I complained that Sprint hadn't sent me a copy the FCC told me what Sprint had said, which was vague, containing no information and no offer of compromise. The FCC suggested I could lodge a formal complaint. The FCCs fee for this is almost as much as the amount I'm in dispute with Sprint about.

It may seem simple enough just to ignore Sprint's bill, but it then goes to debt collectors. I can handle debt collectors, too, but I shouldn't need to. I wrote back to the first debt collector disputing the account and heard nothing more from them. Recently I've received a letter from the second debt collector and sent a similar explanation of the dispute.

Ironically, there has never been a telephone service in my name in this country. It's one of the glories of American capitalism that they even know I exist.

Oh, and there's a Brit popstar called ZoCher?
 
 
rizla mission
14:32 / 18.09.02
The Robert Rankin insurance was on the phone.

Say, I'm looking for some insurance .. and if there's one name I can trust.. what's the number?
 
 
Mourne Kransky
15:44 / 18.09.02
there's a Brit popstar called ZoCher?

Don't be silly, aus, my real name's Sophie Ellis-Bextor and I'm murder on the dancefloor.
 
  
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