Hi guys, and thanks for the lovely wishes.
Yes, Wednesday was a tough one. Like a lot of tough days that preceded it, and the ones that are yet to come. It's funny, you think that you get over something, or have progressed in some way, and then the grief comes thundering back.
Over the past year coming to terms with my sister's death has been very difficult, not least because of the all of the publicity around the event, and the whole political fallout.
What is increasingly making me angry now is how my family has lost control over my sister, and how she is protrayed. There are books coming out soon with biographies of many of those who died. I understand there's one coming out soon (so we've heard) that gets details wrong - such as my father's name for fuck's sake. My parents were at an official memorial ceremony on the day itself and some fucker of a photographer took a picture of my mother (obviously using a zoom lens from a distance) when she was looking rather grief-stricken, and then used it on the front page of a newspaper. She was not expecting to be photographed, nor did she give permission for it to be used.
But, you know, it's OK for them to do this because we are "news". Great, my sister is now a newspaper column or a headline.
I dislike my family's grief being turned into entertainment or news for the media. They want to package us in a certain way and most of it is contrived and just done in a way to get people's sympathy.
Though, this is just my point of view. Maybe some people get off on the attention, and like the interviews, etc. I don't. A soundbite from me on the TV will not bring my sister back, nor will it explain to anyone what it's like to be caught up the life-altering events of September 11th.
Anyway, before you think I'm just moaning and bitching, a lot of people have been just great. Most of my friends and family have been supportive and kind. I guess one year isn't a long time to hope to scratch the surface in dealing with this event.
Here's something I wrote about my sister on September 11th. Hope I don't hit any of the "gak, bad poetry alarms".
In Memoriam
Words fail me.
Old friends estranged,
They lack the power
To express your life
Or praise your rarity.
I am left mute;
Grasping for terms
To capture your Spirit
And remind the world
You were a part of it once.
Yet, it bears your imprint:
In my smile,
My brothers' wit,
My father's charm,
My mother's sense,
And your lover's heart.
You beat within us still.
Jesus, I loved her so much, and the sad and simple wish I have is that I want her back. Impossible to fulfil of course. It's the ancient futile cry of all people who've lost a loved one. Unfortunately for us, her death was mixed up with a much larger political and social upheaval, which brings with it extra complexities. Just having to watch the news coverage, on the TV and newspapers, all the fucking time is enough to do your head in.
I saw the plane hit the building my sister was in live on TV. I saw it drop live on TV knowing that she was in it. I can't describe to any of you what that was like. Every time I see that film, that's all that goes through my head: "That's when my sister died." So, it's an intensely personal thing for me to witness. I can't be objective about watching and reading these things because my family is directly involved in it. I do find the recent onslaught of media attention on the subject to be bordering on the pornographic.
Of course, here I am, talking about this on a public forum! Though, the people at Barbelith have been great, and I don't mind subjecting you to some of my thoughts, because I suspect you'll understand them in some fashion. I hope you don't mind the little rant.
Thanks again for everything. |
