Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Creation >

Just some crap that I wrote

07:35 / 11.09.02

mutopia squared

preachers of your own religions
teachers of your morbid visions
freedom comes without a cause
without a fleeting awkward pause
i don't reply to distribution
pamphlets start no revolution
change is in your brains location
waiting for your activation
now we start an age of birth
where madness reigns above the earth
a kingdom of the telepathics
merging with computer graphics
anarchistic self expression
liberated from oppression
flying memes of endless choice
as children of the mind rejoice
some call it idealistic sludge
others say "get off the drugs"
yet if this world shall come to be
i'll live among the first to see

We're The Great Old Ones Now

08:57 / 11.09.02

Have you thought about doing it to music?

ONLY NICE THINGS

09:31 / 11.09.02

(Harold Steptoe)

You dirty old man!

(/Harold Steptoe)

01:25 / 12.09.02

I agree with Nick, I think this could go well with music.

My old, largely neglected, heavy metal persona says 'this would make good song!!!'

01:28 / 12.09.02

There's a lot of my stuff that I'd like to put into music, but I'm always moving around. I never stay in one place long enough to get a band together. It's kind of shitty, because I have a lot of creative energy that I'd love to express through music. What I need is some people who want to go on a pre-organized-band tour. People who want to stop at studios to practice on the way to concerts, protests, peoples houses, wherever we happen to be going on our adventures. Some day I will find these people, I hope.

09:50 / 12.09.02

That's nice, dear. Did you get a rhyming dictionary for your birthday?

09:55 / 12.09.02

What the fuck do you need a band for?

09:58 / 12.09.02

because its great that you want to express yourself through music but its really hard to find others that want to express yourself throught their instruments.

And studio time aint cheap. Buy a four track.

03:51 / 13.09.02

P= grumpy assholio.

Bio, believe it or not, there are others who have similar ideas as me.

08:31 / 13.09.02

No. Not "grumpy assholio". Just not very impressed. And I feel that if you're looking for criticism, then you've come to the right place to get it.

Yes, it is crap which you have written, "crap" being the operative word. Unless it's specifically designed to be put to music, the rhyme-scheme is ugly, obtrusive, and undermines the content.

And speaking of which, the content... oh dear. It's the same tired old stuff you cranked out in Do You Listen To Radiohead; how you're so enlightened about the apparent revolution we live in, and how everyone around you are the mindless drones who can't see the truth. The persona behind the poem, you or otherwise, certainly seems to think it's right about a lot of things. I really don't like "memes of endless choice"; it's a bit... vague. I think I know what you're getting at, but it also possibly seems to be an attempt to drop the word "meme" in slightly gratuitously.

"Oppression"? What Oppression? You're an, American, fucksake; you may not like the way your country works (I certainly don't some of the time), but it's one of the more, shall we say, priveliged places to live in the world. Believe me, there are lots of places that trump the USA in oppression, be it political, religious, intellectual, physical; you're doing OK. It is nicely idealistic, and that's something in its favour - you suggest that others call it "idealistic sludge", but I wouldn't say that being idealistic is ever a bad thing, and the rest of the poem suggests that possibly you believe that too. I do know you've thought about what you've put to paper; this isn't mindless Hallmark drivel, after all.

But just because you've given it some thought doesn't mean it's good, and I hate to have to tell you this, but it's not. Not the message, I don't care about the message; as poetry it is very bad. And as I said earlier, as lyrics it might be more bearable, simply because music tends to hide ABAB rhyming (cf: New Order, Bernard Sumner being Captain Rhyming-Dictionary), and also gives the brain something else to play with.

So I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, because I wasn't planning on going on at length; but any problem I have with it is not because I'm a "grumpy assholio".

08:42 / 13.09.02

I'd also like to say that reading this forced me to re-read "Do You Listen To Radiohead?", simply because it's similar subject-matter and a similar author.

As two versions of a similar thing, I'd say Radiohead was a far more effective version. When I criticised that, I suggested you were possibly being a bit too preachy; once I've read this, the preachiness in the older piece is far less-evident, and the thoughtfulness and angle are more obvious. It has an angle: you can kick it off by aiming discussion at, well, a Radiohead fan, and then force them to question bigger things. This one comes from such a high pillar it's not going to connect with your audience as well. "Radiohead" is also more effective because, as Tom pointed out in that thread, there ARE some unanswered questions in it - I'm not sure there are in this one.

So don't take my criticism as further example of my grumpiness. Because I can recognise that you do have a degree of talent, and you are (and this is the most important thing) an interested person - in the world around you, in opinion, and in finding the alternative opinion when so many people will stick to one. That's something to be admired. I just, well, don't like your poetry. Sorry.

09:06 / 13.09.02

That's cool. Thanks for your honesty.

I still think you're grumpy though.

There's no "right." You're right about that, yes. I know that I can be preachy and repetitive as fuck. I probably shouldn't have posted this- to The Creation or the barebtlih community on LJ- but I thought that it had -several- good lines in it.

And most music lyrics look like they could have been written by 12 year old girls. I guess this wasn't much better.