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Underground > Creation >

Gods Who Didn't Make the Cut

We're The Great Old Ones Now

10:00 / 23.08.02

Ollius, Elephant-bodied God of Eating.

Ollius is depicted as an elephant with a tiny human head. He has a trunk or tentacle culminating in a single grasping hand. Which could also crush or bless. His ceremonies included ritual binges and orgies where no sex was to take place until the 27th course. Ollite sects were frequently found to have exploded from internal pressure.

Worship died out in 300 BCE when all Ollite regions were simultaneously gripped by famine, and the God's worshippers were presecuted until extinct. Recent cults have been started in Laraby, Alabama, using a 1930's translation of the Book of Ollius, but have not proved popular in the face of modern ideas about bodyshape.

03:37 / 25.08.02

Ernon, the god of meekness.

Ernon is generally pictured (when pictured at all) as a tall, preternaturally slender man with a pronounced stoop, large, weepy eyes and both hands covering his mouth and face.

Prayer to Ernon is believed to have taken place in small groups under the cover of darkness, with each worshipper taking a ceremonial step back in turn as the celebrant, known as the Pleader, asked every person present to lead the service. When all had refused, the Pleader would then mumble briefly, and the service was called to a close. Some scholars believe the cult survives to this day, but most mark the end of formal Ernon worship with the Fleminite Uprising of 332 CE, when imperial guards mistook the Temples of Ernon for free-standing walk-in closets and began using them as such. The High Pleader, being mistaken for an ornate, sculptural coatrack, died of exposure after three days of holding up a corporal's cape and tunic without leaving a successor.

XXII:X:II = XXX

06:34 / 25.08.02

Vasukratsu, god of unsolicited, reluctantly-accepted presents.

Indigineous to the Ukraine, Vasukratsu had the face of a hyena, with pained, searching eyes and a forced smile framed with trembling black lips. His chest was translucent, showing his heart beating wildly through his ribs and his pancreas produced so much acid as to have not only eaten away his stomach lining but engulfed his lower half in flames. Vasukratsu does a dance of joy, but it is stiff and without rhythm.

Vasukratsu actually has the distinction of having come to prominence because of the advent of Christianity, rather than having met his demise as a result thereof. With the popularization of the figure of St. Nicholas as a generous gift-giver, so too was Vasukratsu hailed in his wake. Originally there was a thirteenth day of Christmas, in which adherents to the cult brought their unwanted gifts to the temple, wherein the flames at the feet of the idol of Vasukratsu their inexplicably-chosen items would be miraculously transformed into stylish wraps and sandals or, should they choose, they would receive a scroll entitling them to a later application of their sacrificial karma. With the coming of the Inquisition the cult of Vasukratsu went underground, and took up residence in dark, forgotten corners of mass retail bazaars, where they persist to this day as returns windows. Archeologists have found fruitcakes dating back to c. 640 CE in abandoned temples of Vasukratsu, and in respect to his name they have given them as gifts to superficially-elated acquaintances.

To harness the power of Vasukratsu, it is suggested you invoke his name when dropping pennies into Halloween Trick-or-Treaters' bags, when presenting awards for good attendence, when dropping off a child with protective services, or when depositing a bag of dogshit on an offensive neighbor's stoop.

10:09 / 25.08.02

Helijim, God of Vagueness.
Helijim was kind of a big guy, you know, with one of those faces. He was worshipped at some point in the past, and, then something happened. Probably some kind of religious persecution. Or something.

06:06 / 26.08.02

Not a god, but St Vloky is the scarcely acknowledged patron saint of herpes. St Vloky was raised in the Church - or at least received some sacred indoctrination when taken to church as a child by holy relatives. Satan, cleverly disguised as concerned friends, convinced St Vloky that the teachings of the Church were fanciful and that God quite possibly did not exist. Thus tempted away from the Church, St Vloky fell into the company of depraved theater attenders, evil music lovers, irreligious scholars and recreational drug users.

One day, St Vloky was attending a depraved theater when an angel touched St Vloky's sin-smeared countenance (or thereabouts) causing St Vloky to exclaim loudly from the midst of the audience: "when you believe in God you get herpes!"

The crowd of people attending theater that day were both astonished and relieved to hear this revelatory and holy explanation for their afflictions. Quickly, they rushed to their spouses and priests to share this wondrous message. Sadly, some spouses of herpes-afflicted believers initially fell into the sinful doubtfulness. Miraculously, the priests were able to encourage them and correct them in their faith by revealing that the celibate priests themselves had received herpes solely through belief.

Since that time, St Vloky has many times miraculously and gloriously afflicted good, honest, church-going folk with otherwise inexplicable herpes. By living pious, faithful lives of righteousness and chastity they have been blessed with this physical evidence, also known as the Stigmata of St Vloky.

Blessed be St Vloky.

Amen.

10:23 / 26.08.02

And Awomen too, I bet.

Praise St Vloky!

13:18 / 26.08.02

I've tried, but I can't make up a god funnier or weirder than Cloacina, onomatopoetic goddess of the Roman municipal sewer, who, according to Pliny and the rest of the usual suspects, was extrapolated from a mysterious image of Venus found while digging the Cloaca Maximus. She may not have "cut it" but she certainly presided over a great deal of pinching.

23:09 / 26.08.02

Biyalla Buugoona : God of farting.

This rather rotund god was associated with overeating, overdrinking, farting and burping. His centre of worship was a provincial part of northern india, where farting had replaced all other social greetings.

The worship of this god came to a rather abrupt end when someone brought a flaming torch into the annual feast of Biyalla, known as the almighty fartathon.

The resulting explosion left a 5 kilometre crater, effectively wiping out all worshipers of Biyalla and ending his veneration.

00:30 / 27.08.02

Herbert, the god of "you had to be there" stories.

Truly, his glorious name was not always Herbert. Nay, he was nameless until the day he made himself known to mankind---known to a lonely shepherd. The lord not yet named Herbert descended upon the shepherd who did bespeak thus: "What shall I call thee?" Then, the unnamed lord did truly make an odd face, and the shepherd did truly make an odd sound in return. They then kind of looked at each other, and ... um ... it was really funny.

13:44 / 27.08.02

Aaah-Mmmm-Oooh, Goddess of The Moving Itchy Spot.

I've tried to come up with a description, but her title pretty much says all you have to know.

11:36 / 28.08.02

*shyly raises hand*--can I play, too?

Menorrhea, goddess of nongravidity.

Usually pictured as a vastly relieved woman in a white gown with red stains at the crotch.

Prayer originally began "Oh thank GODDESS I'm not pregnant!" Though not worshipped consciously in this day and age, the subconscious vestigial remains of the common prayer can still be heard around the world.

Vestigial remains of the ceremonies and celebration are also often evident: Ceremonies include binge eating, especially of chocolate and foods containing chocolate, in a celebratory atmosphere. White cotton accessories are worn in undergarments as a sign of deference to the goddess for a time span of 4 to 6 days. Unfortunately, when the celebration ends, the goddess is often dismissed and far from thought for 4 weeks, till the prayer and celebration are once again breathlessly awaited.

Tryphena Absent

02:15 / 29.08.02

Susan, Goddess of Didcot Parkway Station. For a short while the same little old lady would leave empty sweet wrappers on the platform of the station. A shrine was born and as the old lady spent much time muttering about Susan the local commuters believed that she was speaking to the Goddess of the platform. Prayers were whispered, people knelt down, the lady was followed and many songs were sung. Unfortunately Susan turned out to be a kitten in her pocket. The Goddess Susan was pissed off.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

09:13 / 29.08.02

Stoatus, the god of drunks (in honour of whom I am named.)

This god is the patron saint of drunkards. He'll get you home, and erase your memory of the unpleasant journey. He'll protect you from accidents that would kill a non-believer. He has a mullet, which, in his moments of divine ecstasy, during which he is at the height of his powers, he considers to be a) the funniest haircut known to gods, and b) actually quite cool. He probably fancies your mother, or possibly your older sister. Or that person over there. Or the one next to Hir. He is usually depicted in a bending posture, two fingers of the right hand extending down his throat.

When he finds out he never made the cut, he will either a) smite someone, or b) cry.

Probably b), though.

(Incidentally... I didn't make him up for this thread... I do make sacrifices to him occasionally... pour beer on the ground and make a silent prayer. He hasn't failed me yet.)

The Natural Way

10:28 / 29.08.02

Frogger God

Genuinely irritating and great at Judo-Throws (which equal giving non-believers a dead arm), generally worshipped by Flads for reasons unknown (have you ever tried talking to a Flad? All they can say is "Flad" for a start, and their little, rubbery yellow quiffs quiver...urrgh...their serious heads....). Flads also worship Frogger in the form of his emmisary DISCO FLAD. Basically, his teachings of "Jiveaaargh on the grooveaargh!" are just not on (and as for his "lion man" waistcoat....)

Frogger is constantly at war with Pig God and his Bum Men.

Pharp!

08:35 / 30.08.02

Flopsus, the Greek god of Whimsy. Yet another product of Zeus raping some nymph, according to Hesiod's Theogony. Little is known of this god's deeds, though Ovid details some acts of pointless though mildly entertaining flummery. Cast out of Olympus by Zeus who claimed that he was "not pantheon material". Divine capriciousness, Zeus felt, ought to be characterised by pointless spite, sexual violence or random destruction. Though preferably all three.