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I think I'm being stalked; or, Somebody out there wants to get to know me way better...

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

15:13 / 06.08.02

All right, guys, while I know I haven't been on the board as frequent as I used to be, I still think the lot of you are pretty good at weeding out bullshit.

Here's the deal:

Yesterday morning I received an anonymous email--the address and the handle I don't recognize--telling me that my boyfriend has been having a secret relationship with someone else out of town.

Okay. This comes out of nowhere, and since I really have never had any reason to distrust the boyfriend, I am not sure what to think. Especially since I have no idea who this person is.

Boyfriend is currently on cross-country motorcycle trip with buddies, but calls at least once or twice a day to see how I am. He calls last night and immediately jibes that I am not quite myself (I might add that I was ill yesterday as well). I tell him I have been feeling sick, I didn't make through my shift at work, my cat crapped in my bedroom for no apparent reason, and oh yeah, someone's making allegations against him and sending them to me.

This does not go over well. Granted, he didn't yell at me, but sounded hurt. I reassure him that I haven't thought of anything unusual about him, there's no reason for distrust, but he says, "So an malicious email from someone is going to make you start questioning my morals?" I said no, but he was hurt that I was hurt by the email in the first place. I told him it was a knee-jerk reaction. Really, if you received an email about your significant other from someone who apparently doesn't like that person and slandered them, enough to the point of knowingly trying to hurt your feelings, what would your initial reaction be? He suspects the email in question is from someone that has an interest in me that is more than friendly, and is attempting to cause me to dump him so they can pick up the pieces. This is not impossible. There are alone at least two people whom I can think of that have made no attempts to be covert about their attraction to me.

All right, Barbelites, give me your 2 cents.

15:20 / 06.08.02

The "someone with an interest in you" explanation sounds most likely to me. I can't see someone having a secret affair calling you up once or twice a day to see how you are, and an anonymous email making allegations without proof or names is very suspicious.

Although what kind of long-term future a relationship based on something like that would have, I don't know... happy-ever-after would be something of a delusion on the part of the sender...

If you want to post the full headers I'm sure some detective work could be done.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

15:25 / 06.08.02

Really not the kind of person you wanna hear relationship advice from, but here's my small change...

I'd say you're better off trusting your boyfriend than an anonymous emailer (always assuming you trusted him to start with, anyway). BUT I'd do everything in your power to find out who sent you it. And, either kill them, or confront your bf.

BUT, as it stands, I'd say trust him. Or at least give him the benefit of the doubt. If (as your post suggests) he sounded surprised and shocked, rather than "found out", when you told him about the email, then that could be because he actually WAS. (Surprised and shocked, that is, not "found out".)

I dunno... don't listen to me anyway. My relationships are always poo.

Good luck, though... hope you sort it out.

ONLY NICE THINGS

15:47 / 06.08.02

SamSpade software or similar could give you a beter idea of where it comes from, unless the sender was using remailers, which is a must for any good cyberstalker but surprisingly infrequent.

You didn't specify with absolute clarity whether or not the email contained personal information specific to your situation - your name, the name of your boyfriend, the name of his paramoreuse. If not, it's spam. Viruscheck your computer.

If so, then you have two options: ignore it or act on it. Ignoring it involves precisely that - set your email to block future emails from that address and forget about it.

Acting on it probably involves finding out who sent it. Either by replying and trying to draw them into conversation which will reveal it (risky and pointless and it's unlikely the Spike would take it very well), or through cyberdetective means. Or you can act on it by getting suspicious and tracking the Spike. In which case you had also better make ten copies and pass them on or bad luck will follow.

Basically, I'd ignore it, since it doesn't really count as stalking as no threat or implied threat is involved (the Spike may conversely feel it to be libellous, as it is a permanent record, but since it is not in the public domain that could be awkward); any detective work would be for your own benefit and would probably end badly. And if Spike *is* having an affair (and how often he calls is no indication of whether or not that is the case - shame on you Fridgemagnet), you are going to find out at some point anyway, and if he is not there is hardly any point worrying. Worry, perhaps, that your boyfriend's response to an email demonstrating that somebody has your email address and is using it for malicious purposes is to make it all about his hurt feelings.

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

16:48 / 06.08.02

I had a serious cyberstalker and only ferreted him out when I got help from alt.gothic Special Forces (a group of hackers who hunt down spammers and trolls). I'm sure that people here could do the same thing for you...

And I think that all stalkers are sick twisted fucks who need to be stopped dead in their fucking tracks. But that's just because I had one fuck with my life to such a degree that I lost a deal to write a news parody for National Public Radio in Boston, as well as the relationship I had at the time...so I have become oversensitive to the people who do it.

20:17 / 06.08.02

"calls at least once or twice a day to see how I am"- Kali

"I can't see someone having a secret affair calling you up once or twice a day to see how you are"- Fridgemagnet69

"how often he calls is no indication"- Haus

Im going to disagree with Fridge & Haus on this one. It is an indication. If yr boyfriend starts calling once or twice a day when he normally wouldn't call at all, or if he suddenly starts bringing flowers every time you see each other when hes never bothered before, theres a good chance hes seeing someone else and trying his best to divert your attention.

Granted, he didn't yell at me, but sounded hurt.

Oh, the drama. If you were expecting him to yell at you about this, you were expecting him to be an asshole. If you expect someone to treat you like shit its probably because they treat you like shit on a regular basis.

Will someone please tell me "Spike" isnt his real name...

20:24 / 06.08.02

Alternatively, he could be 'phoning more because he's picked up that you're worried about something and is trying to work out what / reassure you. I'd go with Haus: jumping to conclusions - or even weighty speculations - based on such flimsy 'evidence' is edging dangerously close to pathological jealousy...

20:32 / 06.08.02

From previous threads, I don't think Spike phoning regularly is exactly out of character.

Block the emails, Kali. Anyone who's going to be telling you that kind of stuff anonymously shouldn't be trusted at all.

Tryphena Absent

21:48 / 06.08.02

While blocking emails is definitely a good idea I think I'd be very curious to know who was sending me accusatory suggestions. They've got to be a complete arse and they're going to be someone who you know, possibly IRL, so maybe it might be a good idea to find out who it is and have it out with them. Maybe they're not after you but really want your boyfriend. Just a thought.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

12:20 / 07.08.02

Unfortunately, the email did actually mention both of us by name, which means someone knows about me and my relationship (which, admittedly, is not all that unlikely). I wasn't expecting him to yell at me, honestly, it's just that I think he was expecting an overreaction on my part that would have caused him to yell back. (I tend to be irrational and jump to the worst conclusions. Which is why I was surprised at my own state when I talked to him about it. This is usually the sort of thing that winds me up, but I didn't feel wound up about it at all. Just surprised that someone I don't know would say something nasty to hurt me.) I didn't reply to the email, but have decided should that person attempt to contact me again, I am going to enlist the aid of some very savvy friends to track the culprit down.

And you know, I had never given any thought that maybe someone else wants him too.

ONLY NICE THINGS

12:28 / 07.08.02

Well, of course. Or someone else is the boyfriend or husband of somebody the Spike is having an affair with and wants to apprise you of the situation, or someone else was bullied by the Spike or by you at school, or someone else works on the satellites with Spike and is having a laugh, or someone else is 17 and bored and happens to know your email address, or someone else is a friend of yours who did it when they were drunk, from an email address they never used, for a laugh, then realised how hurt and pissed-off you would be and is therefore keeping very quiet...

At present you don't have the evidence or the game to make assumptions like that with any hope of accuracy. So I think that ignoring this one and only worrying if it happens again is probably a very wise decision.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

12:33 / 07.08.02

For once, we agree. Ergh, I haven't been feeling well this week and I don't need someone trying to get a rise out of me.