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When teen romances attack! Part Two

  
 
Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?
12:18 / 30.07.02
After the whole "Don;t you like my new body, daddy" episode, I thought I had seen all the evils, all the horrors that the "Seniors" series of teen romances could throw at me.

But oh no.


He looked down at her, a quizzical line forming between his eyebrows. "Forget about me. What's with you today? You went after that ball like a kamikaze pilot."

Alex giggled. "None of your dumb Japanese jokes, puh-leeez."

Danny was always teasing her, in a nice way, about being half-Japanese - telling her she'd look great in a kimono: or, like the time they were studying World War 2 in American History, when he joked that if the Japanese had had her on their side, they probably would have won.

Oh, well, as long as he only does it in a nice way...we are shortly thereafter reassured that, barring almond eyes and straight hair, Alex does not in fact look "ethnic" at all (thank *God*).

Any more atrocities to report?
 
 
Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?
13:48 / 30.07.02
Oh. My. God.

Alex relented, touched by his thoughtfulness. A lot of boys would've just forged right ahead. At least Danny had cared enough not to force her into anything she didn't want to do.

She touched his cheek. "I'm in the mood now." It was true in one sense. Her body was in the mood, even if her mind wasn't.

"Did you bring it?" he asked. It. Meaning her diaphragm.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

So, first he jokingly submits her to racial abuse, then she is so pathetically grateful to him for not raping her that she decides to give him some sugar anyway, at which point we discover that the jocko scumbag can't even wrap his head around condoms, much less wrap a condom around his head. This man is the devil! And Alex is colluding in her own misery like it's going out of style.
 
 
Ariadne
13:55 / 30.07.02
And you're doing a lot of work this afternoon? Why do you read these things?
 
 
Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?
13:59 / 30.07.02
Actual book books get in the way of work. No books at all make my head melt. Ergo, teen romance is the answer. Post modernism kitsch the purest form of American folk writing blah blah fishcakes.
 
 
Ariadne
14:09 / 30.07.02
Well, you know, it sounds like you only have yourself to blame for yout distress. Bit like Alex, in fact. But seriously, don't you think that scene sounds like it's leading up to Alex realising that this just isn't on? And punching him? Or at least thinking 'no way!' and getting out of there?
Though it's years since I read this sort of stuff so perhaps I'm too hopeful.
 
 
The Apple-Picker
14:44 / 30.07.02
I'm surprised that he's even thinking of the diaphram.
 
 
Sax
14:47 / 30.07.02
Hey, jocks can be caring, sensitive types too, you know. When they're not with their buddies, baiting Japanese folk and boasting how much sex they've had.

T-Haus, where do you buy this stuff? Do you say it's for you, or "for your little sister"? Or do you get it mail order, wrapped in brown paper, no logos guaranteed?

(Sax wonders if anyone will notice his roundabout way of asking where he can find this stuff)
 
 
Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?
14:51 / 30.07.02
Sometimes my friends and confidantes, knowing of my....proclivities, send them over. Other times I find myself in charity shops and the siren lure is too strong to resist.
 
 
bitchiekittie
15:34 / 30.07.02
its bad enough knowing that someone is writing and someone else is buying that shit, reading it on barbelith is enough to make you chuck key organs

lets just hope haus doesnt find the v.c. andrews. Im not sure any of us could take that
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
21:26 / 30.07.02
Haus: May I recommend... crochet? Needlework? Knitting? Put the book down now. That's right. Nasty book. Here, have some raffia. The Mrs. Joyful prize may be yours yet.
 
 
Mazarine
03:38 / 31.07.02
Crocheting does rock- easy to learn, and you don't want to find yourself without a scarf come late November. That, and with the hook in one hand (in lieu of for one hand) it smacks vaguely of piracy...
 
 
Jackie Susann
04:27 / 31.07.02
coincidentally, i just read judy blume's CLASSIC 'Forever', realising this time that the reason he calls his dick 'Ralph' (even though no self-respecting 17 year old would entertain such a concept for a second) is so Judy can reference it without having to decide between 'penis' (a bit formal) and 'cock'/'dick'/etc. (a bit rude, even for 'i have swear words in my books, me' jb). also realised the book is totally disturbingly close to child porn, making you understand why blume is allegedly the most frequently banned author in american high schools. and for something that is presumably supposed to demystify teen sex, the girl does seem to come an awful lot, despite the general sexual dorkishness and lack of generosity of her partner (not that female orgasms are exactly my special subject, but i was under the impression they took at least a little more work than *that*). that said, the end did make me cry.

i miss my collection of Sweet Valley Highs.
 
 
w1rebaby
07:12 / 31.07.02
has anyone ever given their lady- or man-parts names?

It sounds like bringing a soft toy to bed. "Say hello to Little Bob..."
 
 
that
09:26 / 31.07.02
Frankly, any girl that reads 'Forever' is going to have a pretty warped view of what to expect from her own body... and then probably end up feeling inadequate when it doesn't happen quite like that, or, indeed, at all like that.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
10:01 / 31.07.02
An ex-girlfriend of mine named her "lady-parts" as you put it, fridge. Quite frankly, I found the whole thing rather disturbing...
 
 
Bill Posters
10:27 / 31.07.02
Fuck. Yet again, I suffer a cruel reminder of how out of step we 'Loids must be with the rest of the social world.

Haus, for those of us who don't know, were these things written recently, and were they by a man or a woman? Not that it makes a whole lot of difference, but I'm curious.
 
 
that
10:39 / 31.07.02
Oh my god. I thought for good few seconds there, Stoatie, that you meant your ex actually called her "lady-parts" fridge.
 
 
w1rebaby
10:44 / 31.07.02
that would have been a very encouraging sign
 
 
Shortfatdyke
11:03 / 31.07.02
i can't find any trace of the 'seniors' series on the net (amazon came up with 'cruising for seniors' which sounded interesting, but not what i was after) so i'm hoping haus is making this stuff up.

oh, and elvis used to call his member 'little elvis'. if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for all of us, i say.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
11:27 / 31.07.02
Bill, the book in question was published in 1987 (a dark time for fashion, if the cover and descriptions inside are anything to go by), and is accredited to one Elleen Goudge (a likely story).

Alex, for those who are interested, does indeed break up with Danny, but not because he is EVIL, but because they have drifted apart as a result of her competitive nature and nagging. This breakup is occasioned by the discovery that, although Danny did not stick his cock in Alex's foster-sister when they spent a night alone in a tent, he did *want* to.
 
 
that
11:47 / 31.07.02
You mean, presumably, stick his Ralph, or Delgado, or, Little Elvis (Little Danny?) in Alex's foster sister...

Elvis also used to frequent mortuaries. I find that even more disturbing than the idea of his Little Elvis, though I do wonder vaguely if he ever got it dressed up in satin and sequins...
 
 
Bill Posters
12:28 / 31.07.02
Ta Haus. I know this is rather off-topic, but I have been as amazed by this revelation as I was by the Daily Hate Mail's cartoon the day the white couple had black IVF twins. In which two women are picking the kids up from school and one's saying, "I just wish I could be certain, that's all," to which the other replies that she's sure there's nothing to worry about. And the 'joke': the child the first woman is colllecting is ...

...wait for it...

a monkey! Yes, a monkey, in school uniform! Laugh? I nearly cried. (It's mentioned on p4 of the current Private Eye, should further details be required. I'm amazed it didn't kick off a riot.)
 
 
w1rebaby
12:52 / 31.07.02
that's just humourless political correctness gone mad, who could possibly think a monkey might be some sort of racial reference? And in the Mail particularly.

you couldn't make it up
 
 
Bill Posters
13:39 / 31.07.02
You're right of course - these pinkos will go and read so much into a flippant little cartoon. Bless them and their little red cotton socks.
 
 
Margin Walker
17:29 / 31.07.02
Yo Haus, you may be interested to know that John Marr (the erstwhile editor of the zine "Murder Can Be Fun") has a few "Young Adult Fiction" reviews here: http://members.tripod.com/~johnmarr/index.html
 
  
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