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Adverts for drugs

 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
21:31 / 26.07.02
What if all drugs were legalised overnight, yeah, and also overnight you became an unscrupulous BASTARD advertising executive who would sell SMACKS of HEROINES to litte toddlers? Toddlers with curly hair who lisp things like "I wuv oo, mummy!" to their doting mater on an hourly basis.

It's your job to sell drugs, any kind of drugs, to everyone. Toddlers, grandmothers-- they're all fair game for you!
 
 
Lurid Archive
21:38 / 26.07.02
Put it in everything. Food and water. Put acid on the pages of porno mags, tv remote controls, communion hosts and readers digest. The first task will clearly to get my competitors hooked so as to effect world domination. From that point, I think it would be fairly straightforward.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
21:41 / 26.07.02
But then it would all be free, stupid. We're BASTARD advertising execs, remember? We don't give away free stuff. Unless we can get people hooked, so they then have to come back for not-free stuff later on.
 
 
autopilot disengaged
21:52 / 26.07.02
don't SMACK yr children - give yr children SMACK.
it's the zesty taste kids go mad mental crazy for...
 
 
illmatic
22:15 / 26.07.02
Theyy're doing that already - it's callled Ritalin
 
 
drzener
22:19 / 26.07.02
Ritalin is more like taking teeny weeny bits of speed than doing opiates. It's alright for a grown up but I still think its sketchy giving it to kids. I don't think its so much of a horror since I seen it help a kid I know.
If you want some catchlines for hard drugs ... hmm, I'll have to think for a while. I've always been of the opinion that you should find your own way and some people shouldn't take the fucking things at all.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
00:04 / 27.07.02
Acid:- "Close your eyes. You can be a space captain."

(with apologies to the Legendary Pink Dots).
 
 
Panda
00:04 / 27.07.02
WH Spliffs.

pot noodle (obviously).

'Carlsberg E - Probably the best largin' in the world'.

'Boddies LSD - The dream of Manchester'.

'Coca-Cola - This time it really is the real thing!'
 
 
Trijhaos
01:30 / 27.07.02
I'm not sure if it's feasible or not, but what I'd do is put it in the water supply for awhile, just long enough to get people hooked, then stop putting it in the water supply. Then, I wouldn't have to come up with any fancy slogans. I mean, putting drugs in the water supply just once isn't going to do anything. It might give people a mild buzz or something, but it won't be enough to get people addicted to the stuff.
 
 
bitchiekittie
02:14 / 27.07.02
rice crispies, now fortified with multiple performance enhancing nutrients *crack smack pot*
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
14:58 / 27.07.02
A long day's through but there's still work to do? Crack on with crack!

Until now, we've had to rely on caffeine and ineffective adrenaline to get us through the day. We at McBastard realise that there's more to this - and we think that new Crack (now with extra rocks!) will be exactly what you're looking for!


Someone better record a jingle for this, you know.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
15:28 / 27.07.02
Well they put monosodium glutamate in pringles with the sole purpose of making us crave more, sometimes in takeaway chinese and umm... I've forgotten what else. Ooh, pot noodle I think.
 
 
w1rebaby
18:37 / 27.07.02
I think you'd have more success selling smack and downers to parents to give to their kids.

"Is the patter of tiny feet getting a bit too loud? Serve new Heinz Tamazepam Ketchup with the turkey dinosaurs, for peaceful evenings."
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
18:48 / 27.07.02
"Try Kellogs Ketamine--You will be in a hole larger than an elephants anus!"
 
 
Mourne Kransky
19:18 / 27.07.02
Whilst enjoying a fine bit of home-rolled, I have frequently had brilliant ideas for really clever ways to advertise cannabis. Unfortunately I have forgotten them all. What was I just saying? Oh, I don't know. Can't be arsed. Anybody got any crisps?

Ads for speed would be fun though. A Busby Berkeley /Bollywood extravaganza erupts on screen as hundreds of excited young people dance energetically and alluringly to some bangin' drum and bass. Pink strobe lights feed the hype and then some hyperactive celeb like Graham Norton proclaims Effervesce with Pink Champagne!

Then the music changes to Therapy's Teethgrinder and everybody starts beating up the person next to them.
 
 
w1rebaby
19:22 / 27.07.02
Actually, what you'd want to do is invent a new disorder which is cured by what you're selling.

"Are you suffering from Attention Surfeit Disorder? Heroin cheers you up!"

"Listless? Taciturn? Polite? Recent medical studies show that you may have a cocaine deficiency."

Or you could market the social aspect - "nowhere's friendlier than an opium den."

What about sponsorship for schools to construct bongs during CDT lessons? "Thanks to Virgin Spliffs, Timmy got an A at GCSE and completely baked!" Move it down a few years, and instead of kids bringing back useless spice racks and pottery piggy banks, they could present their parents with lovingly crafted crack pipes.
 
 
Naked Flame
20:07 / 27.07.02
(cue futile rattling of stash-tin)

It's working, folks...
 
 
Kit-Cat Club
22:06 / 27.07.02
Not just CDT lessons - herritage trips. I can see it all. Take your class on an educational visit to the Victorian Opium Den Experience where they can see the sights, hear the sounds and smell the smells of the Victorian opium den(s) in Whitechapel! A journey of mystery and wonder, all the way from the fabled East and the far reaches of the Empire! And funny people in funny costumes so the little dears can ask them about their underwear. There is an educational video on the evils of opium, but this is all right as any fule kno that no one ever pays any attnetion to that sort of thing as they have drunk too much Coke with their packed lunch.

Where you really reel them in is in the shop of course. Erasers, seed kits, souvenir clay pipes, genuine smokers' tasselled caps... while the teachers, in need of relaxation after a hideous day with their little charges, can buy heritage gift edition sets of opium paraphernalia in the posh section, and of course the product in decorative packs which look so charming on one's rustic dresser.

I dunno... it might work if any of the kids were interested in history...
 
 
w1rebaby
22:15 / 27.07.02
You could extend it to English and Art as well. How can you really understand the creative geniuses of the past without Tesco Finest Laudanum? Somehow I can't see many classes really objecting to this.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
23:56 / 27.07.02
Slightly off-topic, but come over 'ere a bit and I'll tell yez a story...

Fridgemagnet- "instead of kids bringing back useless spice racks and pottery piggy banks, they could present their parents with lovingly crafted crack pipes."

A friend of mine used his art A level to make wonderful clay bongs for people - all in separate pieces (a separate piece for the dope, a separate piece for the water etc...) and carved with eldritch symbols (he was going through a big Lovecraft phase at the time). Think he failed the course, but as I remember, the last surviving bong from that period was a dream to smoke through...

You lot! Get back to your topic! Now!
 
 
Panda
00:02 / 28.07.02
With the commonwealth games on at the moment, I had this one in mind:

Lucokezade - When loosing is not an option. (Officially endorsed by Linford Christie).
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
07:29 / 28.07.02
IN memory of the giant in the Sweet Suite:

Nowadays, everyone's worried about body image. And sexual diseases. Every acronym a killer, every date a possible dance with death. How can you win? And look hot at the same time?

It's easy... with steroids!

Attain that droolworthy body: but get a penis like a withered finger! Suddenly, being buff and banging don't have to go together.

Remember: a doubled deltoid and a dysfunctional dick... or your money back!
 
 
captain piss
08:15 / 28.07.02
I remember having a stoned conversation with a friend during which we more or less constructed an entire marketing plan for ‘LCC’ cinemas – Legalise Cannabis Cinemas, aping the branding of MGM cinemas and the like.
It was all worked out- it’d be a multi-floor complex, the top level being an I-max cinema where you sat in the middle of the floor in a swivel chair, with a little tube coming up from under your seat, which actually descended into an enormous bong in the bowels of the building. The bottom floors would have floors with ambient chill-out music playing, and there’d be virtual reality machines blah blah- heheh, you maybe had to be there
 
 
Mourne Kransky
12:07 / 28.07.02
I think some sneaky Dutchman has stolen your idea and already built it on the Oudeburgwaal in Amsterdam, Meme Buggerer: multi-floor complex, films and beautiful, floaty, random images projected on all the walls as you (and a mellow bunch of yoofs) sit in the middle of the floor on a padded mushroom chair, ambient chill-out music playing...

You should sue.
 
 
captain piss
14:56 / 28.07.02
gutted- should add it to the file of not-bad-ideas-I've-had-that-some-other-bugger's-now-making-money-out-of. Which isn't that big a file, admittedly
But it sounds like a nice place to spend an evening Zocher
 
 
pointless and uncalled for
15:42 / 28.07.02
Crack, because one just isn't enough.

Dope, all of the thing without the whatever in the stuff on the other thing in the comfort of your own, oooohh cake.
 
 
Murray Hamhandler
19:10 / 28.07.02
Trying to find the perfect way to fill the void w/in that special lapsed Catholic in your life? Say it with opium.

Acid: Because Bleeding Jesus said so through the trumpet in his throat, and he's still dripping on the rug.
 
 
the Fool
05:47 / 29.07.02
Can't get enough wacky strobe effects in your life? Feeling the need to be totally spastic and barely in control? Want to feel gravity in all directions at once?

Special K is for you!
 
 
that
07:40 / 29.07.02
False teeth giving you trouble? Try new DentaBond, strawberry flavour, with time-release cocaine - soothes your gums and gives you and your dentures added staying power!
 
 
grant
16:07 / 29.07.02
Heck, all these things already *have* built in advertising hooks.

Sex and WHAT and rock and roll?

You could bery, bery easily get yer toddlers on X, acid & pot by just adapting the soundtrack, look and cast of any of the new VW Bug ads.

Ralph Lauren already advertised heroin - too-skinny, jaundiced models in underwear, looking strung out. Throw in some poppy/flower imagery and some hugging and loving by glistening, glamorous people and you're there. Velvet Underground soundtrack. Or maybe the peaceful music from Requiem for a Dream. Daa-da, daaa-da, twee-da, tweeee-da....

It'd also be VERY easy to adapt the Gap "_____ wore khakis" ads to heroin, or speed, or whatever.
"Kerouac did heroin." "Bird did heroin." "Steve Tyler did heroin."

I'm also picturing a cocaine ad campaign using songs from Fleetwood Mac's "Rumours" album and lots of hazy, white images. Although, of course, Eric Clapton's tune has a definite edge for marketing there.
 
 
grant
16:11 / 29.07.02
Your parents couldn't.


But you can.


Heroin: sensations of tomorrow.
 
 
ephemerat
10:09 / 30.07.02
Yves Saint-Laurent had obviously been thinking about this for some time:

yves saint-laurent opium
 
 
ephemerat
11:00 / 30.07.02
TV ad:

African tribal music; drums, chants, whistles - rapid, aggressive beats - foot-stompingly, groin-thrustingly danceable stuff.

Camera twists from above down shining plains of glass, city skyscraper walls, swiftly flying down to street level. Could be any US inner-city street. A pair of running, pin-stripe-suited legs enter camera shot and camera immediately flies into action keeping pace with them and gradually panning up and back so that we see owner of these legs is a young, square-jawed, black-haired, professional male in a suitably coolly tailored suit, his arms pumping back and forth the briefcase he carries. He wears a brave, manly, focused expression and does not look at the camera. Camera pans around him to show street-trash pursuers pointing and shouting abuse at him as they chase him. They have little hope as he skillfully runs over cars, leaps roadworks, weaves through traffic and flies into the foyer of a plush office block. His pursuers are left to beat ineffectually at the windows while security advances on them. An elevator takes him up into a huge conference room where his grey-haired senior exec looks first worried, then relieved, to see him. He advances on our hero with a warm smile, his hand outstretched. Our hero hands him the briefcase and they shake hands, the camera focuses on our hero's gleefully predatory expression. Fade to just his steely grey eyes, pupils dilated in a black screen. Brandname and tagline in white:

'Coke'

'Just do it.'
 
  
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