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'Shows how much you know, Plums'

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Goodness Gracious Meme

19:58 / 23.07.02

well, you were warned by the title. Something i didn't think was bothering me which a few days later, still has me fuming.

spent a couple of really nice days with the parents last week, eating, sleeping, relaxing, talking. I don't have that great a relationship with them so this was really surprinsing and lovely. Was thinking that I should go home more, and work on building up some kind of relationship with them, how this can only be a productive thing.

Everything's fine and dandy until on thursday night we're watching some sitcom on BBC1, and a gay couple kiss. My stepmum suddenly decides to volunteer the opinion that 'you can tell they're really gay'. Really as in authentically, I presume, as opposed to the GAYEST EVER.... I ask, casually, how she knows, pointing out that actors, have to, y'know, act, and therefore they could be straight. whereupon she informs me that ' you can just tell that kind of thing'.

HOW close was i to responding with the 'if you reckon your gaydar's so good, how come you missed the deviant sitting right beside you gambit?

Grrr. just ranting basically. grr

20:04 / 23.07.02

do you want to come out to them?

20:13 / 23.07.02

Parents work hard to develop blind spots where their offspring's sexuality is concerned - until you finally do come out to them, and then they'll tell you they knew all along.

Bastardo!

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:22 / 23.07.02

Probably not relevant, but not quite thread-rot either (and something I've been meaning to post for a few weeks but figured wasn't actually funny enough for its own thread...)

One of my best friends (who's het- apparently... I'd just always thought of him as completely asexual, but there you go) phoned his sister a few weeks back. (Who he rarely speaks to.) Apparently his mum had decided he was gay, and was immensely proud of the fact (I know his mum- she is pretty cool. Though often drunk, probably hence the misunderstanding.) He had to break the news to his sister that he wasn't. Apparently she was very disappointed. Now he somehow has to break the news to his mum that he isn't, either.

20:28 / 23.07.02

My stepmother was convinced that I was gay. Every time I saw her, she'd say "when are you going to settle down with a nice woman? or a nice man, I don't mind", in a very deliberate way. While she's in no way prejudiced, it did get a bit irritating.

She was also convinced that I was a regular pill-head despite the (true) fact that I've never had more than a third of a suspect pill in my life. Any time there was someone in her office who looked like they were caning it a bit too much, I would be asked for advice, as obviously I knew about that sort of thing from personal experience. Well, I have known quite a few caners but that's different.

Sorry, this isn't really on topic, is it?

21:29 / 23.07.02

Well this is just my experience of what happened when my sister came out, your parents might not be reactionary lunatics like mine.
Complete shock, terror, tears and a refusal to talk about it, comments of 'are you sure' and the like, my dad took it hardest but then my sister was always the closest to him

It took them about two years before they calmed down completely, think it was a year and a half before she was allowed to bring her girlfriend home, but they're even allowed to share the same room at the moment so its ended up ok.

But dear god the stress and hassle at the time, was the most irrational I've ever seen my parents, very strange to see the people I consider one of the stablest things in my life go a tad nuts. File it under parents they're just strange I suppose.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

21:37 / 23.07.02

Aww, Plumsy.

Hugs. I can imagine the red mist that must have risen before your eyes.

22:50 / 23.07.02

HOW close was i to responding with the 'if you reckon your gaydar's so good, how come you missed the deviant sitting right beside you gambit?

My sister claims to have gaydar as well, she actually believes this because my brother is also gay, and far more 'camp'. She of course has no idea. She keeps asking when I'm going to find the right girl. I really need to tell her.

My Mum is much worse. She hasn't dealt with things very well. On friday I had dinner with my mun, dad and sister. During the dinner, we were discussing my boss, who is also gay and a friend of the family. He is currently on holiday with his partner. My sister mentioned how my mum's attitudes had advanced recently and how she was more accepting these days. My mum retorted that "Its not really what I think" and sort of laughed mockingly at the whole thing. This is dispite the fact that she knows my brother is gay. I felt sick listening to her.

01:53 / 24.07.02

Was thinking that I should go home more, and work on building up some kind of relationship with them, how this can only be a productive thing.

I hope you can, despite their misgivings. Good luck.

06:38 / 24.07.02

Good luck, babe. I was pleasantly surprised the time-before-last I went home to find out that I was, in fact, out to my parents. Can't remember actually coming out to them but I guess the lengthy arguments with my dad about whether Willow or Buffy is hottest gave the game away... and sympathies for the red mist.

06:46 / 24.07.02

hugs, plums.

ganesh is right, of course, in that parents tend to go into doublethink when it comes to their kids' sexuality, although the first thing my mother said to me after my sister had outed me to them (with my permission i should add) was 'everything's fine, but i don't want to hear about your sex life'. bear in mind that when i first tried to come out to her - age 11 or so - she'd said how broken hearted she'd be if any of her kids turned out to be gay. she had some bizarre misconceptions - that it was a horrible, lonely life - but of course it helped keep me in the closet for a long time - a horrible, lonely part of my life! and now she calls me up and we talk about gay and transgender issues.

06:56 / 24.07.02

So sorry plums... I know how rage inducing and depressing and thoroughly frustrating it can be... Best of luck, seriously...

Goodness Gracious Meme

01:42 / 24.09.02

ha. if someone can retitle this 'shows how much you know, Plums' I'd appreciate it.

Digging this up cause I'm so excited i've woken up wanting to tell people, especially the lovely people above who were so sympathetic.

I came out to my parents (or rather dad and s-mum) tonight. and they were absolutely great, telling me that that they were glad i'd told them, they loved me and that didn't depend on whether i am straight or not. Step-mum was particuarly fab, holding me, and telling me that she appreciated the guts it took to tell them straight out.

and i will talk more about this, but she let slip something which makes me think she at least, suspected. Think in recent months we've become alot closer adn i haven't really bothered to hide things...

It's so cool. and my 'parents' fucking rock. I love them.

05:06 / 24.09.02

Congrats! (does that apply? as in "Way to go, you've raised your parents
well"?)
Anyway, really happy that things worked out so well for you. If more folks were that understanding...

The Natural Way

07:28 / 24.09.02

Oh, that's good to hear. REALLY good.

jUne, a sunshiny month

07:38 / 24.09.02

that it means that some lithers parents aren't all lost and from-anotha-time ? so, things are the good way, uh ?
at least for plums. glad for you !

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:59 / 24.09.02

Excellent news. Well done for taking the bull by the horns etc.

09:20 / 24.09.02

Big hugs and congratulations - it took a lot strength to come out to your folks. Now sounds like an excellent time to be a bit nice to yourself and have some ice cream or something.

10:23 / 24.09.02

Wow - mega congratulations, plums! That's really fantastic - well done!

Regrettable Juvenilia

10:32 / 24.09.02

This is indeed great news - and best of all, it sounds as if it's cheered you up, too. Rockit.

10:39 / 24.09.02

That's brilliant, mate. Yay! you and yay! your folks.

10:56 / 24.09.02

Well done! Someone very close to me came out recently, and I saw how much courage it took.

Our Lady of The Two Towers

11:10 / 24.09.02

Congratulations all round to the family Plums I think, to you for coming out and to the parents for being cool!

The Return Of Rothkoid

12:16 / 24.09.02

That is indeed news worthy of a big ROCK-FUCKIN'-ON!

Congratulations, you.

XXII:X:II = XXX

13:50 / 24.09.02

Fucking fab, Ben'. Y'know, a lot of parents tell their kids they'd be cool if it turned out they were gay, but then the hammer drops and they're not quite the open-minded modern folks they fancied themselves. I remember being 16 and getting hit on by a waiter in a restaurant (unsolicitedly, I might add), and my mother of course pumped herself up by saying that if I were gay it'd be OK. Haha, I should've said I was right there just to see what she'd have done. Of course, they were in complete denial when my sister was actively bi, so I somehow doubt they'd be any more receptive to my declaration likewise. But anyway, I don't have the kind of close relationship with them that you seem to have with your pops and your s-mum, so I don't figure I'd have any burning need to fill them in anyway.

But this isn't about me. Good on yeh. Probably a load off your mind.

14:14 / 24.09.02

Rocktastic Plums

, nice to see some coolness on behalf of parents in the world.

14:34 / 24.09.02

Oh, thank God.

I mean, thank God they took it so well, yeah, but thank God you came out to them, for good or ill. That's the kind of thing that eats people up inside.

Like lots of people on this board I've kind of followed this from adistance: and have more than once felt the urge to scream "So just come out already!!", but have refrained from doing so as it would probably have ben unhelpful...

But, you know, parents are parents: and it's a quirk of human nature that a factor that may trigger a prejudicial response when we see it exhibited by a stranger can by pass that response when we see it in someone we know and love.

It's the old "present company excepted" clause. Two guys kissing on TV are strangers and can therefore be safely dismissed as Other, with their sexuality as be-all-and-end-all: but you are already Somebody, to your parents, by virtue of a shared history and bonds of affection, and so cannot be so easily reduced. A lesbian in the media is "a gay woman": but My Daughter is My Daughter... who, naturally enough, happens to be a woman--who happens to be gay.

No, it's not a perfectly enlightened way to live--but it's a start. For many people, acceptance of difference in general begins with acceptance of one person, one person whom they're not willing to write off because of that difference. You've done your parents a great service, in a way: that's how the world changes--one person at a time.

Congratulations. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

16:37 / 24.09.02

Hooray for sensible Ma & Pa Platforms! Hooray for brave young Plums!

Mwah!

Tryphena Absent

16:48 / 24.09.02

19:30 / 24.09.02

Yay for you!

On a side note, I've never come come out to my parents but thought they kinda knew, since my brother and sister do and I've been with my partner for almost four years and spend every weekend with him, but on a recent holiday, my father asked my mother (who knows, apparently) why I didn't have a girlfriend yet! I don't know what she told him...

21:21 / 24.09.02

Good on you, pal. Big hugs from afar.

22:08 / 24.09.02

Oh, you star! Huggles aplenty to you and your lovely parents (even if such unrepentant embracing of non-heterosexual lifestyles means you'll never make it into the Kingdom of Heaven). Congratulations, dear.

07:49 / 25.09.02

Go, Plums! And as someone said, congratulations on raising your parents so well.

'coming-out party' anyone?

Goodness Gracious Meme

08:08 / 25.09.02

Thank you, to whichever lovely mod. changed this. newly openly polysexual kisses for you.

"Like lots of people on this board I've kind of followed this from adistance: and have more than once felt the urge to scream "So just come out already!!", but have refrained from doing so as it would probably have ben unhelpful..."

Erm. The typical bit of me wants to say, I appreciate your honesty and thank you for the words of support.

The second bit of this stands.

The untypical, I've-had-no-sleep-and-am-newly-enamoured-of-honesty-bit says, fuck off Jack. You have NO idea what you're talking about. You really don't know anything about me or my situation beyond what i've chosen to present here. and there's no compulsion on you to 'follow from a distance' if it's really that fucking tedious. So yeah, fuck off.

Oh, and thanks everyone. A coming out party sounds grand, as well... now *there's* an alternative barbemeet.

13:33 / 25.09.02

Thank you, to whichever lovely mod. changed this. newly openly polysexual kisses for you.

*blushes*

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