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Online Affairs

11:50 / 19.07.02

So, I have been interacting with this amazing guy. He is intelligent (huge turn-on for me) and musical. He has sent me his photo and I sure hope it is him because.... mmmmmmmmMMMAN! He is sweet-looking.

I really want to meet him now. I cannot even hold interest in flesh and blood men because their expression of their mind is sooo limited, if there is even anything to express.

So, am I crazy? I have never even met this guy. He makes me so hot for him though. Can something like this really work? We have agreed to meet in about a year at the latest, the anticipation is killing me!

So, if you have some advice to give I am all ears...er, rather, eyes as it were.

~May (way-2-horny) Tricks

12:17 / 19.07.02

I've met someone in the real world that I first met online, it worked out well, great in fact. But it doesn't really sound like the situation your in though.

I found though that talking to people online seems to heighten emotions and you can sort of create the type of person you want them to be, you've got to remember though that someone's persona online can be extremely different to the person you meet up with in the real world.

And they always say you should meet someone from the net in a public place.

Not trying to freak you out but best to be careful.

13:05 / 19.07.02

I agree: there's a tremendous amount of deception and duplicity online, people are frequently not what they seem to be or claim to be. If you're interested in getting more serious, talk on the phone, don't just exchange email or chat. Don't let your emotions get the better of your common sense.

13:23 / 19.07.02

There are so many elements to effective communication: verbal and non-verbal. When you communicate with someone online, you are denied all of the material a real life interaction supplies. This is great in many ways, can be liberating and can heighten and sharpen in some ways the communication that does occur.

But, and it's a big one, the words are always, always a very small part of any communication. How someone speaks, the rhythm and tone they employ, the body language which accompanies what they say - these account for much, much more than the bare words.

When you sit and chat to anyone, you are relying on millennia of inherited experience of reading subtle and subconscious signals to form impressions of that person. On top of that, you have a lifetime's (largely unconscious and idiosyncratic) personal baggage filtering the whole interaction. The joy of the online thing is most of that can be diminished by the format.

None of which means that an online interaction couldn't lead to a more fully fleshed-out relationship, just that the one is absolutely no indicator of the likelihood of the other. But, fuck it! It's a risk - so what - faint heart etc. Good luck!

13:39 / 19.07.02

Thanks so far people.

I know there is increased risk in online affairs. I am way too seduced by this man's eloquence though and he seems to feel the same. I think part of the longing for the in-the-flesh meeting is to satisfy my other senses about him.

As ZoCher said:
When you sit and chat to anyone, you are relying on millennia of inherited experience of reading subtle and subconscious signals to form impressions of that person.

This seems almost coming from a primal place of instinct. Upon face to face confrontation, my energy can touch his energy and then certain impressions can be made. BUT!, (and this is for the Magick people), we have been inn dreaming together a few times. We connected quite well for a pair who is not up to the usual par in dreaming ability and I saw him in my dreams first. When I saw his pic, I realised how exact I was! Is this a fair place to make impressions of an instictual nature?

I would also love to hear other stories of online affairs, the good, bad and ugly. Has anyone here had any experience with this?

~May

14:07 / 19.07.02

Its actually weird you started this thread due to something that's been happening to me recently- I'll have more to say about it in a few weeks, but its more to do with the word "affairs" rather than the word "online"....yikes.

14:33 / 19.07.02

I've been trying to conduct an online affair with Ariadne for months now but she won't have any truck with it.

ZoCher's next on my list.

14:42 / 19.07.02

If it makes you feel less rejected, Sax, I dreamt of you last night. You were red haired, with a pointy beard, and you were wearing a very dodgy-looking grey 70s suit.

14:46 / 19.07.02

" !"

14:47 / 19.07.02

Have you spoken to this man on the phone yet? I would suggest you at least go that far before meeting.
I find it hard to say "don't do it" to online relationships when I myself am happily in one, but they are something to be wary of. How long have you been in touch now? Have you ever, even once, noticed any indescrepencies in anything he's told you? Does he sound a little too good to be true?
I would take into account all those things before deciding to meet. And you know, chances are he isn't some knife-wielding maniac, but there is the possibility that he isn't quite who you thought he was.
At any rate, as someone special once told me "better to regret things you have done than regret those you haven't." So go meet this guy. Just make sure it's in a public place. Good luck from me as well.

15:59 / 19.07.02

Oh yes, I would love to hear his voice. I can hear whispers of that british accent even in my waking moments. I am canadian so, I speak with a flat, uninteresting voice. *sigh*... You brits have the sexiest accents!

Hearing him would also allow some further indication of what his intentions are. And no, he may not be "knife-weilding" but, I doubt if he was he would let me know... :eek

He hasn't made any claims to being unbelievably rich or good-looking. in fact, he has told me he is pretty much broke and does what he does for a living because it is what he loves to do. That is not a very good trap for someone with ill-intentions, you think? I have a great feeling about him and I have to admit, I just wanted to scream this to the world.

I have previously dated through an online source. It was a little more locally focused but none the less, it was online. There was one guy I dated who I thought was alright but he made me fit the bill for dinner and then proceeded to ask me if I wanted to make out with him all night, (All night lasting about an hour after the second time he asked me. I thought he was joking at first!). Nothing worse than a guy who begs for sex! YECK! GET IT OFF OF ME!

~May

16:01 / 19.07.02

Are you my old German teacher, Sax?

ONLY NICE THINGS

16:20 / 19.07.02

Nothing worse than a guy who begs for sex! YECK! GET IT OFF OF ME!

Are you my old German teacher, May Tricks?

16:45 / 19.07.02

Ja doch, mein Liebling, Haus!

~May

17:15 / 19.07.02

Hey, I am Canadian and I don't consider my voice to be flat or uninteresting.
You mentioned he has a British accent, so I take that to mean he lives in England? In that case your chances of meeting are probably very slim you know. Don't want to the dream crusher, but it IS unlikely.

The Return Of Rothkoid

17:33 / 19.07.02

Not necessarily. I met a poster here when I was living in London and ze in Canada. It happens a lot often than you'd think.

And depending on how far you're travelling, is not necessarily any freakier than meeting someone from on here...

17:43 / 19.07.02

its not unlikely at all.

Ive known my boyfriend (who lives in london) for 2 years, and weve been dating (on and off) for over a year. he'll be moving to the states in the next month or so

Ive met quite a few people that I originally met online, both platonically and not. so far so good

17:57 / 19.07.02

It IS less likey if you are taking into account that May stated that the guy doesn't have much money (which I was). Trips back and forth from England aren't going to be cheap. Neither are long distance phone calls.
The person I am with now that I met off the net is not exactly close by either, and we manage to make it work, but it is an expensive relationship.
Meeting someone online is one thing but I think it is made more difficult if that person lives far away.

17:58 / 19.07.02

Like Rothkoid and bk say, it's not really that unlikely. Holidays, business trips, whatever - people who want to meet up can quite often find the ways and means to do so. I (who live in England) met up with someone from Texas, and with a US soldier stationed in Croatia back in '95, both of whom I met first online.

18:01 / 19.07.02

Sorry, that post coincided with MissLenore's. I still think if they are that eager to meet, they can make it happen. I would say, however, if you are travelling a long way and spending a lot of money/time doing so, make it a fun and fulfilling trip in and of itself, not just a way to meet this person...

18:02 / 19.07.02

Exactly

19:15 / 19.07.02

This is all very good advice, thank you so much. I am glad to hear there have been some good experiences in this situation from other people. I am concerned about the cost too even if it doesn't work out, I should go there to enjoy myself and not expect alot. I have an incredibly good feeling though. I can hardly wait to meet this guy. It is always a risk to start a relationship and being online there is just added risk.

Well, here I go! Jumping in where angels fear to tread!

~May

00:24 / 20.07.02

Good luck, May.

13:27 / 20.07.02

Sax: ZoCher's next on my list.

:-))) Too excited to post now. Must buy more Lime Shower Gel...

Graeme McMillan

13:49 / 20.07.02

I saw this thread yesterday at work, when I couldn't post for fear of getting fired (odd firewall issues, don't ask); I spent the day getting frustrated about it, purely because I've been in exactly this situation: I was the boy in Britain who fell in love with someone in America online (as opposed to America Online, of course), and who had to deal with the late night phone calls, the expensive trips to see each other, and then eventually, the visa issues, the emigrating to the US, and the getting married to the said American. So I'm proof that, y'know, these things can work out wonderfully, I guess...

13:51 / 20.07.02

my boy is also american; we didn't meet online, we met while i was there for a year studying.
smile, is the only way to live with your overseas love marrying them? would you recommend this?

Graeme McMillan

14:42 / 20.07.02

It's not the ONLY way to live with them overseas; it's the way we chose because we wanted to get married, really. Before that, I'd done the three month visitor's visa thing a couple of times, and also attempted to get a work visa, which was trickier than expected (although that was more down to the fact that I was offered a job by a company who promised to sort everything out and sponsor me, who then pretended that they're never done anything of the sort, but that's another story)...

I'd say that getting married has definitely made the visa process quicker and easier, however. I actually entered the country on a Fiancee Visa, which was relatively uneventful apart from the waiting; my fiancee (as she was then) had to fill in more forms than I did - mostly to show that she had a job and was above the poverty line, and that she could theoretically support me if I failed to get a work permit - and then I had some forms, a medical examination, and an interview in London which was pretty routine in retrospect. Since getting here and getting married, I've filled in more forms (essentially, they're all the same form, asking about your family details, political affiliations and oddly enough, everywhere you've lived since you were 18) and spent a couple of days in various INS offices having more interviews, getting finger-printed, and applying to get my status changed so that I could work legally here.

I don't know if the situation would be any different if I wasn't married to a US citizen, although I'm guessing that the sponsorship would be a lot more of a problem; essentially, you need to have someone state that they're willing to pay for you and take responsibility for you before you get the Visa...

I'd try and make more sense, but I'm just awake. Hope that helped in some way, anyway.

19:19 / 21.07.02

Hey,
I met my girl online (through a friend), we talked online and on the phone for about a year and a bit. Then she came over, I went back, back, forth, back, doing the long distance thing etc for about 10 months.
Now she lives over here with me (student visa thing) and we've been going out for a year and 3 months.

So I def think things can work out, BUT I think it would have been a different story if we had met (physically) earlier, spending time to get to know each other and what have you was a must.

Good luck anyways May.

21:34 / 21.07.02

I've met quite a few people online (or maybe I mean offline?); some have turned into friends, some lovers, a couple were quite, quite scary, and some we just didn't hit it off in real life.

I think you can, in some way, get to know someone deeper, more intimately online/phone without meeting, as the surface level stuff that gets in the way at a party/bar isn't there; looks, coolness, whatever. But nothing can replace real, human relationships.

So I guess I'd say... go for it. Be careful. Have no expectations. And - unless you are sure that you are a really good judge of character - try and just check out a little bit about them. Some people online fall into the temptation as presenting themselves as something they're not. Someone who's prepared to answer your questions will understand your caution, and someone who's maybe more evasive is telling you something. Hope it goes the way you want, whatever you decide.

22:35 / 21.07.02

I think my laptop is cheating on me.

21:16 / 22.07.02

Mine too, it smells slightly other person-ish and my pornstar sticker has been corner pealed... urrrrhhhh

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:11 / 22.07.02

Gotta say... though the whole idea does strike me as a bit odd... I've just come back from a very pleasant evening with one of my best friends, his wife (who he met online) and their 9-month old kid. Who rocks. And they're just SO sorted it's untrue. Make of that what you will.