Okay, Deva, here’re some shared experience. I’ve been through the whole “I need to lose weight!” a few times. The first time I simply starved myself. I barely even realized it at the time and assumed being 6’1” and weighing under 120 lbs. was fine. My body had adapted to the point where I couldn’t eat a whole quesadilla without passing out. I dropped 40-50 pounds in 3-4 months. I think this was a pretty bad idea, but from time to time I still default to that as an ideal body image.
The next time I was simply not fitting in my clothes, and coming off a bad relationship. I started exercising, according to goals and a training schedule. I’d go to the gym after work every day, alternating between cardiovascular and muscular work, finishing off the week with yoga. Two meals were often protein shakes. My weight stayed the same as my waist slimmed to fit more comfortably into my clothes. I think the only reason this succeeded was ‘cause I had no classwork at the time. And yeah, I did “feel better” and I climbed some mountains and went hiking and it was nice. But I’m still reminded of what Kate Bornstein said about hir experience with scientology: “It works, but don’t try it.” And it hurts. Exercise, especially when you add goals, can be a nice way of punishing yourself and your body. It can also get obsessive; the kind of bulimia that doesn’t involve puking.
This last time I got a new pair of jeans for my birthday, to replace a favorite pair with holes in all the wrong places. One size larger than my “normal,” I was quite happy with the way they fit. Trouble was, I had plenty of clothes that still fit that norm rather well. So I’m working pretty much full time, doing classwork, and paying bills. The gym is too far away and I’m as strong as I need to be for the time being. So what do I do? Do I get up in the mornings and jog? Do I lift weights at home? Do I try to eat less? Life’s already pretty trying and none of that sounds healthy or fun. And anyway I truly hate jogging. So based on some newsbytes and the odd article in waiting room fitness rags, I decide I’ll try getting more walking out of my day. Basically I had to stop being fast and efficient about where I was going. I took stairs when possible (meaning two flights or less), and made multiple trips from one part of the building to the next. I walked when I was only travelling a short distance from home. In a couple months, I was able to fit into all my clothes. I still, pretty much always, drink a lot of water: 2 liters a day or so. And I usually go for a light lunch. But I don’t have the nagging ugly body feeling, and I didn’t have it really. In fact, with a little twisted ideology you can see it as an act of resistance against consumer culture: “I’m not buying more jeans.”
I dunno. That’s my experience with all the destructive bits intact. |
