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\"It wasn\'t the National Front. It was the Illuminati.\"

08:19 / 08.07.02

Conversation had by telephone this morning:

Caller: "Hello. I read your piece on the Bradford riots at the weekend. I want to take issue with the fact you said it was sparked by National Front members. They weren't National Front members handing out leaflets in Bradford. How do you know they were?"

Me: "They were handing out NF leaflets. They said they were NF."

Caller: "But how do you know they were?"

Me: "Well, the NF never publicly denied they had people handing out the leaflets just before the riots kicked off..."

Caller: "Look, I was in the NF from 1974 to 1983 and now I'm in the BNP. You can't blame us for the riots."

Me: "Okay, so who's fault was it then."

Caller: "The Anti-Nazi League got everyone stirred up. And do you know who's behind them?"

Me: "Surprise me."

Caller: "The Illuminati. It's a conspiracy going back hundreds of years. They're trying to mongrelize this country and blame it on the Brits."

Me: "I'm going to go now..."

Caller: "Wait! Just put "secret societies" into a search engine on the internet. You'll get the whole story. It's the Illuminati!"

Me: "Right. So it wasn't fascists handing out leaflets that got everybody wound up, then?"

Caller: "You should go and read some David Icke. He knows what he's talking about."

Conversation terminated.

Sheesh.

09:20 / 08.07.02

At least he didn't say 'Go to the Barbelith Underground! They know what they're talking about...'

We're The Great Old Ones Now

10:12 / 08.07.02

I'm quite sure David Icke does know what he's talking about. The key issue is that no one else does.

10:13 / 08.07.02

"You should go and read some David Icke. He knows what he's talking about."

In a strange way, I just want to worship people so messed up they can say that with a straight face.

Though actually, the guy who called you sounds like the most boring, uninspired conspiracy nut I've ever heard.. "Illuminati? what century are you living in? Come back when you've got a line on the Zionist, peadophile, sub-aqua lizard kings!"

10:16 / 08.07.02

Sax, your caller sounds remarkably like an old acquaintance of mine. Do you write for a national paper, or a local South Coast one?

10:16 / 08.07.02

I love this sort of thing - my own personal fave was when I was working on a teenage pregnancy awareness campaign for a radio station that will remain nameless. We received a postcard in an envelope from a religious nutter who accused us of encouraging teenagers to get pregnant.
Um.
It rambled on about the virgin mary, the blood of christ and had additional writing all around the edges of the card in circles - alternate curses and notes on prayers that would protect our souls - but also had the biggest giveaway of imbalance.
It was written in green ink.
The people that phone you up and try to encourage you to write articles about dog poo are much worse compared to this sort of fun.

I know this sounds like the first line of a joke, but how would you be able to tell the difference between the NF and the Illuminati? Do they have different tattoos or summat?

(off to google I go...)

12:45 / 08.07.02

The Swastikas looked kind of magic-markered on over the eye-and-pyramid motifs.

I'm actually surprised that more racist groups haven't roped in elements of mainstream conspiracy thought to augment their own theories. but I'm not willing to do the Internet footwork to a mass of yobbo sites to find out.

13:14 / 08.07.02

well some of the sites i've seen do whinge about the jews controlling everything and how 'patriots' like ian stuart (skrewdriver's singer who was not-very-tragically killed in a car crash a few years back) and the members of the racist band violent storm (who also couldn't drive very well) hadn't been given the credit they apparently deserved. oh, when they're not complaining about the jews, it's usually the fags in the current british govt who are to blame. i think anything more involved than that is a bit too much for most of them.

13:35 / 08.07.02

It rambled on about the virgin mary, the blood of christ and had additional writing all around the edges of the card in circles - alternate curses and notes on prayers that would protect our souls - but also had the biggest giveaway of imbalance.
It was written in green ink.

Oh, how well I know these people.

I'm a lawyer and I used to volunteer in a Legal Advice Centre (where the CAB send their really hopeless and nutty cases when they run out of patience). Along with experience with Litigants in Person (known as "Lunatics in Person" to the trade) we came up with the following sure fire test for lunacy.

(1) All writing should be in green biro or, if techincally minded in the very smallest font you have ever seen using a golf-ball or daisy wheel typewriter.
(2) The use of CAPITAL LETTERS and EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!! is to be encouraged.
(3) Paper should be onion skin (i.e. the super thin, easily ripped, tracing paper variety) in the weirdest sizes no longer known to man - preferablly fulscap (ever seen that for sale?) quatro, or legal (I've never seen that for sale, and I'm a lawyer).
(4) Wide eyes. The only maniacs who have sleepy eyes are serial killers and everybody always thought they were 'such a nice, quiet man' until the drains start backing up.
(5) They open the conversation with "Now you're going to think I'm mad...". This is the only accurate and rational assessment you will hear for the next hour.
(6) In the case of men, they habitually miss one patch of their beard when shaving. I mean the same patch. Every day. Do you know how fucked up your neural pathways need to be to make you miss THE SAME PATCH OF BEARD EVERY DAY?

On the other hand, I know of at least one fellow barrister who has paid for a small holiday cottage on the receipts of dealing with a lunatic in person over three years - even got a few leading cases in the Court of Appeal out of it. So, hey, where there's muck/lunacy there's brass/rather nice two bedroom Cotswald cottages.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

18:00 / 08.07.02

What about purple sparkly biros? Or blue which just happens to smell of fruit?

Jeeze, the Illuminati though. How five minutes ago.

20:12 / 08.07.02

Favorite part of my job.

Just got a callback from a guy who originally called about a piece we ran on a Virgin Mary apparition. He was studying some NASA photos and has found evidence of aquatic life on Mars. But won't actually send copies of the photos without a non-disclosure agreement. Because, of course, a discovery of this magnitude would make us rich.

The average goofy caller/writer is interesting precisely in the mundanity of his or her concerns.

20:20 / 08.07.02

I blame the fakes...

20:27 / 08.07.02

Since the Illuminati control all our thought processes, why would they hand out leaflets? Were they leaflets with their symbol on it? And, say, green? Like dollar bills?

Regrettable Juvenilia

20:58 / 08.07.02

The lesson I take from this?

Never trust a Robert Anton Wilson fan.

02:16 / 09.07.02

Illuminati?

That's charming.

And oh so very retro/classic. Next, you'll be getting calls from the Flat Earth people.

02:27 / 09.07.02

What? Being a Flat Earther is no longer cool?

...damn...

Less searchable M0rd4nt

05:42 / 09.07.02

It's not the Illuminati controlling our thoughts-- it's tiny miniaturised evil spies the sise of ants.

06:25 / 09.07.02

The strange thing is, Flyboy, when he called I tried to have a conversation with him, despite him being a racist moron, and asked him if he'd read any Robert Anton Wilson. He'd never heard of him. How can you be into the Illuminati and have never read any RAW?

11:02 / 09.07.02

Frankly, you've got to question the omnipresent, enlightened, powerful-beyond-our-imaginings status of an Illuminati whose scheme for continued global domination involves hanging around in Bradford pretending to be skinheads..

11:08 / 09.07.02

RAW didn't invent the Bavarian Illuminati, you know. Exactly how they turned from an obscure secret society into a world-spanning conspiracy, though, I'm not sure.

I think it's the cool name. It's way better than "Freemasons", certainly. If I was going to join a conspiracy I'd definitely not pick something associated with bricks.

11:34 / 09.07.02

I think you should all stop talking about the Illuminati, I have it on good authority that this thread is being monitored.

ONLY NICE THINGS

12:14 / 09.07.02

Well, yes. Robert Anson Wilson wrote an unreadably bad trilogy that appears to have a disproportionately large footprint among role-playing gamers, sci-fi geeks and comic book readers. I doubt he's all that necessary to knowledge of the Illuminati...

12:47 / 09.07.02

Didn't like it then?

13:16 / 09.07.02

Don't listen to him. He's an agent of the Illuninati. He reeks of lizard-breath. He sings in strange tongues. He drinks more coffee than a normal human could...

17:53 / 09.07.02

I'm monitoring this thread. And I'm really called Adam Weishaupt.

My favourites from local newspaper land: An Illuminati/ New World Order plot caused foot and mouth, and a stolen canister from Porton Down is to blame. The woman said 'I have the proof' and then showed me a 'newspaper' clearly put together by her that day (there was prit stick on the photos...) ; the woman who told me that film stars, a doctor from the West Midlands and someone called Strawberry were 'doing voodoo to make me ugly'; and a perennial pain in the arse who half the time gave you really good stories, which checked out 100 per cent, and half the time told you the local council was being run as a Satanic cabal.

Ho and hum...

18:30 / 09.07.02

You could just ask the one true source

David Icke to present Sci-Fi Channel show

08:12 / 10.07.02

... the local council was being run as a Satanic cabal.

I'm failing to see the problem there. You say that like it's untrue. It certainly explains my council's approach to picking up my recycling bin. They don't, you see. They just leave it. BUilding up my expectations. Mmm.

Sorry, I was momentarily overtaken by the madness that afflicts people who write to the letters page of the Daily Mail. You could tell by the short sentences, and the way that Labour=Satan.

One thing I have noticed going through this thread is that even secret societies can become victims of fashion. I didn't realise this was the case - I thought it was a 'flat earth for life'
type deal.

I'd love to see the resume of these people. "Well, I used to be a mason, but that just got old, so I headed for the Illuminati but, you know... ugh, middle class. I used to hang out with Icke, but turquoise was so one season. I now worship Bill Gates, but I'm having difficulty with his ideas on charitable giving and franky, I'm finding XP is just incompatible with my lifestyle."