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Little help with a bum friend.

  
 
Rev. Jesse
13:02 / 02.07.02
So I know this girl. Let’s call her Audrey cause, well, that’s her name. She’s a really good friend of mine from a few years back and very dear to me. On Friday, my friend Tony was performing in New York, so I decided to book a room and head down to see him perform. As a last minute addition, I took Audrey along too and because I took her, I missed Tony’s performance. Then, after waiting in line, Audrey walked off with other friends and I hardly saw her again, which really hurt because I wanted to spend some time with her.

I was crying all day yesterday because she didn’t hang out with me over the weekend. I don’t get to see her too often, and I was looking forward to catching up with her. Am I too thin skinned?

It didn’t help my ego that I made a pass at her and she turned me down, either. (we’ve never had a sexual or dating relationship, so it’s not like I wanted to regress to a pervious situation.)

One of my friends told me to cut her out of my life completely, which is something I am considering, but I’d like to see what she has to say first, or at least give it a little more time. Another suggested that by making a pass at her, I scared her off, but Audrey has a bold personality, and I’d be surprised if that were the case. These are not mutual friends of Audrey and mine, and I am just now bring this up with our mutual friends.

In any case, I’m really shook up over this and I’d like some advice, on whether I should contact her and let her know how I feel or what. And how should I contact her, email, phone call or insist on a face to face meeting? Should I bring up that I made at pass at her or let her or what?

I’m really very stressed over this and it is affecting my ability to work and write, so forgive me if I am not as lucent as I could be; I’ll fill you in with more information or details as needed and I may edit this post a little later.

Audrey is usually a really wonderful girl whose very presence serves to lift me up, but I’m finding that her unexpected absence can depress me as well.

God, I’m at working and I fighting back tears. I called in yesterday because of this and I hope I can make it through today.

If you can help me, you might want to look at my journal entry at: http://chehedgehog.diaryland.com/

I am very thankful for any assistance with this.

-Jesse
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
13:39 / 02.07.02
Uh....I have a question or two. Did you book a room for Audrey as well? Did she have a room anyway? Did you make the pass at her in New York? Did you drive down with her? How did you make a pass, and how did she turn you down?

Because it sounds like Audrey could have thought you had taken her cross-state, and then come onto her when she was relying on you for a ride and/or a place to stay. Which would make looking for an escape route (like other friends who could put her up) pretty reasonable. Maybe you need to reassure her that your intentions were honourable. Which would have been easier if you hadn't made a pass at her.

For that matter, why are you blaming her for missing Tony's performance?
 
 
Rev. Jesse
15:45 / 02.07.02
Good questions, and I should mention that I don’t disavow any culpability on part for this whole debacle. I’m very stress over this, and I don’t pretend that I may have some basis here.

For the room, I had booked a suite via a friend, so that there would have been a private room for her. That having been said, she had already planned to stay with her friend when she agreed to come down with me.

I made the pass on the way down to New York, because our talk had turned to relationships and she had mentioned her status as unattached to which I said “Well, I’m single” and she turned to me and said “Sorry, I don’t date my friends,” and preceeded to think aloud of whom she could set me up with. Neither of us
mentioned this for the rest of the trip, so I don’t think I scared her off or anything.

So, as I recall, she was welcome to stay with me in the suite, but she had already planned to stay with her friends.

As for what makes me think she made me late for Tony’s performance, I had to way out of my way to pick her up and take her to NYC and when I did pick her, she did not have her shit together and it took us another hour to get out of Cambridge. Then once we did get the hotel to drop our shit, she took a bit of breather and did not want to take a cab so we got to the club late.

Now I should mention that the whole bit about her making me late is kind of a lame excuse for being mad at her, as I could have insisted that we move along or take a cab. I also did not realize how busy the club was. But being late for Tony’s show did not piss me off nearly as much as not being able to hang out with her.

Now I understand that she had not seen these friends in a while, but she made no attempt to have us all hook up and hang out together, which is not something I would have had a problem with.

I think that she didn't realize she miffed me in this manner and didn't mean anything by it, but I feel so strongly about it, I don't feel comfortable talking with her about it right now. I don't think I could do so calmly.
 
 
Ganesh
17:49 / 02.07.02
When you "took Audrey along", was there any agreement as to how the pair of you would pass the time in New York? Was she aware that you expected her to spend X amount of time with you, or did she think you were merely giving her a lift there as a kindness?

If she hadn't come with you, how would you have occupied the weekend? How did you occupy the weekend?
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
19:10 / 02.07.02
Does she know how much her freindship evidently means to you?
 
 
Ganesh
00:27 / 03.07.02
And, um, is a "bum friend" the same thing as a bum chum?
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
07:51 / 03.07.02
It sounds like she may well not have noticed you making a pass at her (is that what the young people are calling a pass these days? I was assuming cock-in-ear action). She may also not have noticed you, because I have a feeling that Ganesh may be right - you care a lot more about her than she cares about you. Which would be unfortunate, but not necessarily crippling. Unles, of course, she is close enough or enough of a part of your circle of friends to be directed to your weblog, in which case she now thinks you are a scary stalker and will not only avoid you but also induce the rest of your friends to find you a) tragic, b) humorous or c) depresing.

I'd edit your journal for starters, Jesse.
 
 
Sax
08:13 / 03.07.02
Jesse, the pain you're feeling seems disproportionate to the actual drama of the episode, to my untrained eye. How do you think Audrey is reacting in the aftermath of this situation? Do you think she's agonizing about what happened, or possibly that she hasn't really given it a second thought?

I'm also a bit confused as to what you actually feel for Audrey. Are you secretly, madly in love with Audrey, praying she'll one day reciprocate your feelings? Or was your (admittedly, fairly tame) "pass" just an idle punt in the dark to see if there was the possibility of getting jiggy with it in a posh hotel suite?

How often do you see her as a friend? Often enough for your pain to be a problem?
 
 
The Natural Way
10:59 / 03.07.02
Mmmm, yeah. It sounds like she's more than a friend to you.

Sorry. That's a bugger.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
20:58 / 03.07.02
So, wait, you did all this shit to a *homeless* girl? That's cold, man.

Oh, sorry, not *that* kind of bum friend either...
 
 
Rev. Jesse
01:05 / 04.07.02
At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if it turned out that I care more for her than she cares for me. I think you're right Sax, when you ask if she gave this a second thought and I don't think she did.

For what I feel towards her, she's been a great friend for 5 years now, and I've always found her presence to be a great boost for me. I hadn't really had any time to sit and chat with her since she got back from Asia, and I wanted to just talk and hang out with her.

I think what happened was that she basically ditched me and I took it way too hard. What I am concerned about now is that I feel really badly hurt, and hurt by her and she probably does not expect that from me.

I do worry about why I feel this way about the whole thing, but I worry more about how I should talk to her about it, or if I should.

So should I bring this up with her that I felt hurt? Should I just avoid contact while my wounds scab over? If I do contact her, what should I use, email, telephone or a face to face meeting? How I can bring it up to her that she brought me to tears without getting overly emotional again?

Thanks for the help guys, just answering these questions helps me work through my misery.

-Jesse
 
 
Slim
02:39 / 04.07.02
Buddy, you've got to drop this girl like a bad habit. Trust me, the best thing you can do is make no contact with her for a number of months until you're feelings for her are completely platonic and then MAYBE call her up. You've got to get over her ASAP. It'll save you a lot of time and pain.
 
 
Ganesh
06:57 / 04.07.02
She "ditched" you? In what way? As a friend? It sounds like you had a fairly reasonable chat on the way to New York (okay, you made a mild pass at her, but she doesn't take it badly) and she detached herself from you because she had different expectations of the weekend. If she didn't actually know that you'd expected to "hang out" with her (and by that time you'd already spent a fair amount of time together, what with the car journey, etc.) she may well have made other plans.

Did you make your expectations explicit at the start of the journey? If not, I can't really see in what way she's treated you so badly. If she made some sort of promise to socialise with you in New York and reneged on that promise, you have a right to feel aggrieved; if, on the other hand, you'd merely made that assumption, I think you should stop blaming her for your disappointment and let it go.
 
 
Rev. Jesse
19:58 / 05.07.02
Thanks for your help guys. I think I am going to sit on this for a little while and let some mutual friends weigh in as well before I take any action on contacting Audrey or whatever. Each day that passes, the emotional tempest dies down a little and I see how silly me breaking down over this is.

Ganesh: It seems to me, you think I'm overreacting to this. I think you may be dead on with that, but just because I know I'm taking this way too seriously, doesn't mean that the emotions I felt and still feel die away. I still feel really broken up over this, even if I shouldn't, and I don't know how to make that go away or if I should bring it up with Audrey.

I can accept I made a poor assumption, its the letting go part that's dragging me down.
 
 
Ganesh
21:35 / 05.07.02
Not exactly, Jesse. I'm still not sure about the whole "ditching" thing: if the two of you had some kind of agreement to hang out together and she reneged, then I'm not sure I do think you're overreacting; if the "hanging out together" was merely your assumption of what would happen, then yes, I do.

I'm not trying to say your emotions aren't valid but I would counsel most strongly against bringing the matter up with the girl concerned. At the moment, it doesn't sound like you're prepared for a possible 'wha..?' reaction - and if, as I suspect, your respective expectations and assessments of the weekend differ that widely, then I'm a little worried that you'll face, at best, bemusement; at worst, ridicule. I think you'll get hurt.
 
  
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